News From Somewhere

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) December 15 – President Ronald Dump late last night rejected the vote of the Electoral College, which voted by 306 to 232 to elect Joe Notrump as President of the United States.

“The whole election was rigged,” the President declared to a hastily convened media conference in the White House. “It’s the bigliest fraud in the history of elections. We will be taking this straight to the top court.”

President Dump ended the conference without specifying precisely what complaint he intended to submit to the Supine Corpse, but in early morning tweets today, he claimed:

“The Electoral Collage counted thousands, tens of thousands of ILLEGAL VOTES, all for Sleepy Joe. Millions of votes in Electoral Collage for your favorite President Ronald Dump weren’t counted.”

Later this morning, the President’s lawyer pro tem, Rudely Juicy, said the Dump campaign would shortly file “a writ of ceteris paribus and posse comitatus” asking the judiciary to overturn the Electoral College’s “clearly fraudulent vote.”

“We have thousands of affidavits,” Juicy said, “from people who were denied the right to vote in the Electoral College election. Why, just the affidavits from members of the Boastful Boys are more than enough to overturn Notrump’s lead, and most of them will testify under oath that they were denied entry even though they did not try to exercise their Second Amendment right to carry guns into the EC polling place.”

Rome, 22 Augustus 454 – There is no cause for alarm in the current world situation, according to Imperial Spokesman Plentius Fabricus. The barbarian raiders harassing our borders are a nuisance, but not a serious threat to the Empire, Fabricus declared.

Claims that the Empire is unsound are “balderdash,” Fabricus said. “Just over three years ago, our valiant legions defeated the impudent invasion by Attila and his terrorists.

“Attila, we have recently learned, is now dead, and there is no serious possibility of any of the other Germanic tribes producing a leader who could pose a comparable threat to our rule.”

The Imperial Spokesman was disparaging of the news media, which he said seemed to thrive on pessimism. There was no real threat to the Empire for the next CCC or even D years.

“What the pessimists don’t realize,” Fabricus concluded, “is that the Roman Empire is just too big to fail.”

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has denied that his campaign rally in Tulsa had failed to live up to his advance description, which said: “The event in Oklahoma is unbelievable. The crowds are unbelievable. They haven’t seen anything like it.” Also before the rally, the President said, “We’ve never had an empty seat at my rallies. And we certainly won’t in Oklahoma.”

Photographs of the rally appeared to show only around half of the arena’s 19,000 seats occupied. But these were “FAKE NEWS pictures,” the President tweeted. “Just like the fake photos of my Great Ingraution pretended it wasn’t the biggest since Abraham Lincoln. Abe told me himself.”

The Tulsa rally, the President continued, “was the biggest political rally ever held in the middle of a hoax pandemic. Much Bigger than reported in the FAKE NEWS. It shows I am supported by the Silent Majority AND the Invisible Majority.”

A week before the rally, the manager of President Dump’s election campaign, Bland Parsnip, claimed that the campaign had received requests for “more than a million tickets” to the rally.

Rooters was unable to contact Mr. Parsnip to ask about the apparent discrepancy. However, the White House press secretary, Klueless McNinny, explained to reporters: “Some millions are smaller than other millions. That’s a definite alternative fact.”

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Dick Pompous today spoke proudly of “the incredibly smooth transition” to President Dump’s second term, which begins next week.

“We thought the Democrats might make a fuss,” Pompous said, “but after the Supine Corpse rulings overturning their election frauds, everything has gone quite well.”

The Secretary of State went on to praise Attorney General Willie Wagtail for his “brilliant arguments” before the Supine Corpse, which led to the ruling that further frauds against the will of the American people could be prevented only by ruling that Ronald Dump was now President for Life.

“Since that ruling, the Attorney General has also ensured public calm and stability by jailing and sometimes prosecuting any and all antifa terrorists who have tried to disrupt it. America can now look forward to a prolonged period of economic prosperity and good health.” (The last remark was apparently a reference to the former Covid-19 pandemic, new cases having rapidly declined to zero after President Dump banned testing for it.

———-

* Dear Rooters subscriber: If you have received this report, please ignore it. It is obviously nonsense and was not intended for general circulation. Rather, at the request of President-elect Joe Notrump, Rooters prepared it to send to the White House in the hopes that it might pacify outgoing President Ronald Dump and thus dissuade him from causing too much damage during his last days in office.