Fifth figure at Helsinki summit

WASHINGTON (A Rooters agency exclusive) – The world was told that US President Ronald Dump and Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky met in their Helsinki summit with only one Russian and one US translator present. But Rooters has learned that a fifth person joined the meeting only a few minutes after it began.

The background to the unreported fifth person is that White House advisors, worried by what Dump might say spontaneously in the meeting, persuaded him to use a compilation of his oral remarks and tweets about Russia since his election. The compilation was written out for President Dump to read at the summit, in the hope that he would not wander too far from the script.

However, Dump had gone through only part of the remarks when Buttinsky’s translator asked for a clarification: “Is he speaking English? If so, is he threatening war or threatening surrender? What is the meaning of what he said?”

Dump’s translator replied, “I think it means we’re going to build a wall on the Mexican border. Does Russia have a border with Mexico?”

At this point, it was decided to bring in a third translator – one who could translate Dumpspeak into English. The summit meeting was then able to proceed.

Little is known about the identity of this extra translator. However, it is widely believed that she or he may have come from another galaxy.