Why Parliament approved submarine upgrade

LONDON (Rooters agency) – Parliament has overwhelmingly passed the government’s proposal to maintain the country’s status as a major nuclear power by upgrading or repairing or replacing or reinventing the Barely United Kingdom’s fleet of Triffid submarines.

A few months ago, the Triffid issue was predicted to arouse much more opposition in Parliament, especially in the Labour Party, than turned out to be the case.

One reason for the changing perspective appears to be Brexit. Whereas previously there was some public disquiet over the estimates that Triffid would cause BUK taxpayers somewhere around £456 billion thousand million trillion plus overruns and overtime pay for accountants, this appears to be much less of a concern now that economists have explained that Brexit means the pound will decline to an exchange rate of around 59,000:1 with the euro, which will cease to exist.

But increased tensions in world politics played a bigger role in the shift of parliamentary opinion. The belief that the BUK needs its own nuclear deterrent is now much more widespread than only a few months ago. As Cecil Gorblimey, the Labour member for Lower West Middlehope, put it in the parliamentary debate, “If we can’t crisp them buggers, how are we going to stop them from crisping us?”

Speakers on both sides of the aisle cited the possibility of hair stylist Ronald Dump becoming President of the United States. Tory MP Manfred Puckersnout-Hobgoblin, arguing that Dump becoming President was “almost as frightening as Bro Jejune becoming PM”, explained that Dump was known to bear grudges against people who offended him in any way.

If Dump made it to the presidency, he was sure to want to retaliate against BUK newspapers that had foolishly and treasonously endangered the public by publishing articles asking why Dump has not publicized his tax returns. He might well do so by firing off a few hundred megatonnes at the BUK. Therefore, “We need Triffid more than ever to discourage an attack from that source.”

One of the few hold-outs against the persuasiveness of this argument was Geoffrey Coldcut, the leader of the Labour Party (Members’ Section). Opposing the Triffid renewal despite his claim to be in favour of human life and the survival of BUK people, Coldcut said, “The doctrine of deterrence relies on the idea that the threat who is to be deterred will behave rationally. As regards the next President of the United States, I rest my case.”