Cabinet decides on renaming months

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Rooters has obtained a transcript of the most recent meeting of the President’s Cabinet. This account is based on that transcript.

“Brilliant! A stroke of genius! We’re honored to hear of it! Perfect timing! Deal making beyond compare! Moral guidance equal to the Bible!” There was clear and unanimous support from the Cabinet for President Ronald Dump’s declaration that “We should get rid of those old-fashioned months. The ones named for Roman kings. And their gods too. We are a republic. Christians.”

Having approved the idea, the Cabinet meeting immediately set to work implementing it. The President led the way:

“Why call this month June? Probably named for that Emperor Junius Caesar.”

“Very likely, Mr President,” declared Blazes Banshee, who, as Chief Rasputin, attends Cabinet meetings. “The one that Shakespeare wrote about.”

“Shakespeare?!” said the President. “That guy who’s putting out Democrat fake news? Get the FBI to put him in jail! Ring James Combi!”

“He’s not answering, sir,” reported White House Press Secretary Evan Spicier.

“June is the month you were born in, Mr President,” said Education Secretary Bitty DeVoid. “I think we should change its name to reflect that. We could call the month ‘Ronald’.”

“The best idea ever in the history of the world!” the President responded. “I knew I made the right decision in picking you. Now, what about other months?”

“This is a good opportunity to win friends internationally,” suggested Rexxon Pillager, the Secretary of State. “I think Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky would be flattered if we named a month after him. I think he was born in October.”

“He can’t have October,” the President replied. He pointed out that October was the birth month of his first daughter, Vankilla, and should be named for her. To this objection, Banshee added the further consideration that October was also the month of the Russian Revolution, and Buttinsky wouldn’t want to have his name associated with that.

After considering possibilities such as “Vankilla” and “Ronald’s Daughter,” the meeting settled on “Princess,” because, as the President remarked, “Everyone will know that’s her.”

Vice President Mickey Tuppence then proposed that the meeting consider renaming April for the First Lady, Millennia Dump, but the President said they could discuss that another day, because he wanted to see what was happening in the world on Pox News.

“Besides,” he added, “we’ve only got 10 of them left, and we might want to put them up for sale.”