‛Not the new normal’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “I refuse to act as if this is the new normal,” the President declared yesterday in regard to the mass killing in Charleston. “We Americans have been shooting each other dead for decades, if not centuries, so there’s nothing new about it.

It’s an old normal, not a new normal. And there’s also nothing new about what sort of people get shot and what sort do the shooting.

So we will go on dealing with it as we always have, which is by not dealing with it. Things should be better, but I’m only the President, so what can I do, aside from sending drones to blow up wedding parties in countries that are already overpopulated?”

The National Weapons Association said that Charleston was a matter we should all think about sadly for a while, so there was no need for anyone to get excited about it, even if they found themselves dead unexpectedly. No one should say anything about anything, especially gun laws, until the victims had been suitably honored by being totally forgotten.

However, NWA board member Charles Hasnot Cottonedon appeared to break ranks by saying something in public. The tragedy in Charleston, he explained, could have been avoided entirely if the churchgoers had not been discouraged by anti-Constitutional propaganda from carrying rifles, submachine guns, and perhaps hand grenades into their prayer meetings. Such a display of weaponry might have discouraged the killer, especially if he hadn’t really meant it when he told friends that he expected to die while carrying out his assault.

An element of compromise was injected into the national discussion by Republican Presidential hopeful Governor R.I. Petty, who suggested that we should all be talking about something else, like accidents caused by people using medicines. Medicine use was probably the cause of this and nearly all previous mass slaughters in the United States, which proved how proud we should all be that the US leads the world in providing medicines for its citizens, especially those who don’t need them. However, enough was enough, and a Petty administration would use the TPP to ensure that almost no one could afford to buy medicines any more.