British Labour MPs react to referendum surprise

LONDON (Rooters agency) – In the aftermath of the Barely United Kingdom’s Let’s Bugger Off referendum, a large majority of the Labour Party’s MPs have voted no confidence in their leader, Geoffrey Coldcut.

The move against Coldcut was launched at the weekend by the shadow Syrian proconsul, Henry Bilious. Speaking confidentially to a roomful of reporters, Bilious pointed out that Coldcut had failed in the first duty of the parliamentary leader, which is to protect MPs from surprises.

It was not only that Coldcut permitted the public to vote the wrong way in the Let’s Bugger Off referendum. His election as leader had been an even bigger surprise, “and not a pleasant one!”

Bilious is influential in the parliamentary party, especially after his speech last December in the debate over bombing Syria. That speech was called by many “the best speech in the BUK Commons since Tony Bland lied about Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction.”

Bilious reportedly brought tears to the eyes of MPs on both sides of the aisle with his peroration: “We shall bomb them on the beaches, we shall bomb them on the landing grounds, we shall bomb them in the fields and in the streets, we shall bomb them in the hills; we shall never stop unless and until reliable civilian casualty figures are publicized, and then we shall appoint a committee to investigate the situation for the next six years.”

Because Labour Party rules allow party members, not just parliamentarians, to elect the leader, Coldcut is not required to resign after the no confidence vote, and he has said that he will stand again if there is a challenge.

Possible challengers include shadow cabinet member Edgie Vulture, who has positioned herself as a compromise candidate between those who want to bomb the Middle East back to the Stone Age and those who want to bomb it back to only around 500 BC.

Another is the current deputy leader, Tony Whatsup. His votes on war (for) and peace (against) are the same as Vulture’s.

The two are currently meeting to decide which of them should stand against Coldcut. An insider said that the meeting may go on indefinitely, as both negotiators fear to get up to leave the room, thus exposing his/her back to the other.

A bigger problem is posed by the party’s members. The last time they were asked their opinion, they voted overwhelmingly for Coldcut. It seems possible that they might do so again, especially since the referendum result showed that many ordinary Britons have an inexplicable urge to vote differently from what their betters tell them.

However, the Labour Natural Executive is reported to be working on two different ways around this problem. One is to prevent Coldcut from standing again. The other, probably slightly messier, would be to dissolve the party membership and elect another.