WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has called for a national effort to “preserve America’s wonderful history and wonderful heritage very much” through the building of “very big very beautiful statues.”
Speaking at a press conference called to explain the Administration’s plan to merge the Boy Scouts with the National Weapons Association, the President departed from his prepared remarks to observe that “the alt-left is ripping American history apart” by opposing “statues that present both sides of history.”
“Where is the statue of one of our most successful military leaders in the American Revolution, Major General Arnold?” the President asked. “Even the English appreciate his work. Why is the alt-left afraid of this? There were many very fine people helping General Arnold.”
President Dump also criticized “the Washington swampy elite who want to centralize and destroy your rights” for opposing his proposal to “erect a statue of George Wallace, a fierce defender of the rights of the states,” in front of the Supreme Court.
The President announced that he was creating a new Presidential Advisory Panel. This was necessary because of the loss of all the previously existing Presidential Advisory Panels, which puffed off into irrelevance when they discovered that the President wasn’t interested in advice from anyone about anything.
President Dump said that the new Presidential Advisory Panel on Statues (PAPS) will be tasked with considering “historical heritage people of our very American history” who could be the subject of new statues. He had himself already nominated Father Charles Coughlin, because of his “historic historical role of bringing religion into government.”
Other names reported to be under consideration because of their undeniable role in American history include Lee Harvey Oswald and Charles Manson.
Rooters has so far been unable to confirm a leak from within the Administration that PAPS will also be asked to recommend whether and how Mount Rushmore “could be updated with more modern Presidents.”
News From Somewhere 