LAUSANNE (Rooters agency) —The International Olympic Federation (IOF) today announced the complete restructuring of the world’s most prestigious sporting event.
“The Olympics have decided to join the 21st century—and to join it enthusiastically,” IOF President Henri de Twobyfour announced to a stunned assembly of journalists. “Out with the old, in with the current: that is now the motto of the Olympics.”
The IOF argues that the Olympics have become hopelessly dated, derived from various methods of killing enemies that are often more than 2000 years old. As President Twobyfour put it, “How can we expect anyone to be interested in spear throwing [the javelin] or sword fighting when these days you kill people with drones or computers or poisoned umbrellas? If Olympic events are to be relevant, they have to reflect real life, or death, today.”
Based on this thinking, the IOF has abolished almost all of the existing Olympic sports and replaced them with new ones, although the names of some new events are similar to, or even identical with, the names of now outmoded events. These similarities are deliberate, an effort to make it easier for the sport-viewing public to make the transition to the Modern Olympics. Following are brief descriptions provided by the IOF of some of the new events:
Stock Putting: Market traders are usually optimistic about the direction of prices, but dealers who can foresee (or arrange) a decline in a stock price can make a killing with a well-timed stock put, allowing them to buy a stock cheaply in the future and resell it at today’s higher price.The highest percentage increase wins this event.
Fencing: Nothing to do with swords, in the Modern Olympics this will be a competition to dispose of stolen state property at the best price.
Bashing: The nearest equivalent in the old Olympics, boxing, involved two approximately equal contestants pummeling each other. In the the modern sport, the contestants will be judged on their technique in assaulting various minorities: immigrants, refugees, gays, racial or national minorities, etc. (To ensure the safety of the athletes, the assaultees will of course be tied up.)
Synchronized Fleecing: A fraud that attracts esthetic admiration involves coordination and precise teamwork (as in the movie The Sting). Teams in this event will include at least one each of a bank, a major media outlet, a syndicated financial/economics advisor, and a regulatory authority.
Smarming: This sport has similarities to synchronized fleecing, but involves only individual competitors, who will be judged on their ability to convince the innocent to invest in or buy worthless products.
Spinning: How people perceive the latest news reports can kill thousands of times more than javelins ever did. Modern spin warriors will be judged on their ability to convince a randomly selected audience that aggression is defense, that escalation is withdrawal, that recession is recovery, and that public disgust is popularity.
Divining: Competitors in this event will be judged on real-world events. Their forecasts on the movement of both individual stocks and various indices will be compared with reality. It is expected that, unlike in the real world, there may be no winners in this event.
Derivation: This competition will be open only to those who have lost at divining. The gold will go to the inventor of the most incomprehensible financial gambling instrument. Points will be awarded not only for profits, but also for both innovation and the amount of damage caused to innocent bystanders. Contestants will be scored on a scale from 0 to 10, where collateralized debt obligations (2008) are the benchmark for a score of 3.
Archness: This is one of the few events to maintain major elements of an outmoded event. Contestants will attempt, while facing each other and maintaining a convincing smile, to fire an arrow that hits the opponent in the back.
Underwater Pole Vault: The challenge in this event is to raise a financially submerged mortgage above water level and to maintain it in that position until it has been on-sold and the next suckers have moved in. (This event may be coordinated with the smarming competition.)
Ceiling Breaking: This event will be open only to women competitors, who will launch themselves upward in an attempt to break through a ceiling above them. The ceiling will be real glass.
Zapping: Primarily a test of quick reflexes and lack of judgment, this event will be contested at computer keyboards, from which the athletes launch attacks on anything that appears on their computer screens. If the event proves as popular as expected, it will be divided into intermediate and expert levels, the former involving sophisticated versions of video games and the latter firing at real targets in poor countries or poor neighborhoods in rich countries.
Hookery: In this event, government officials will compete in selling themselves to the highest corporate bidder.
Badmouthing: Instead of knocking a shuttlecock back and forth, contestants seek to spread false but plausible rumors about their opponent.
Shooting: This is the only event from the outmoded Olympics that has been retained, but of course the IOF intends to upgrade it with more modern equipment, possibly including tactical nuclear weapons.
Table Tension: Diplomatic competitors will try to intimidate each other with overblown threats and sly innuendo, while simultaneously lying about the weapons they will launch if they don’t win.
$100 million, $200 million, and $400 million regulatory hurdles: As the Bible says (Ecclesiastes), the race goes to the swift. Whoever is swiftest in dismantling regulatory obstacles stands to profit, and contestants here will be judged on their ability to skirt hurdles by providing monetary incentives to governments or their agents. (To avoid national discrimination in the competition, the IOF will substitute for national governments.)
Sucker (Fools’ Ball): Own goals are the only way to score in this event, which is intended to allow participation from the general public. Participants will be judged on how enthusiastically they applaud contestants in the other Modern Olympic events.
The IOF also announced that, as part of the modernization, winners will no longer receive gold, silver, and bronze medals, but, respectively, government-guaranteed, super-safe, and secure ponzis.