How not to be shot in the USA

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The government today began issuing guidelines on how US citizens (and tourists if there are any non-Muslims who make it through) can avoid being shot down, justifiably, by their local public defenders.

The initial guidelines, which will be supplemented later, are as follows:

1. If you are carrying a cellphone, don’t use it in public. To some people, it looks like a gun. You are much better off carrying a gun instead, and then if people who are alarmed by your (perceived or real) gun take aim at you, you have a chance to shoot them first.

2. If you are male, don’t wear a belt. According to a study that has already been suppressed, a large majority of people shot in the back while fleeing police were trying to hold up their trousers, an action which the police marksmen mistook for an attempt to launch a tactical nuclear weapon. If you are worried about your trousers falling down, wear suspenders.

3. Don’t have relatives. The United States Department of Hellfire and Surveillance (DHS) has commissioned several academic surveys which have found that every terrorist everywhere anytime has had relatives. This make nearly everyone suspect, and so it should. If you are related to someone who is suspected of having once said something possibly sympathetic to terrorism – well, even if it turns out to be a mistake, you hardly have grounds to complain if the DHS has you gunned down, now do you?

4. Don’t have a washing machine. Unless, of course, you live completely alone. But if you live with one or more other people, a washing machine is something you could quarrel about and then one of you will get frustrated by the inability of the others to understand your perfectly reasonable position, so you will try to restore things to their normal situation by letting off 30 or 40 rounds.

The problem is that your local public defenders are trained to respond to sounds of gunfire that they haven’t been paid to ignore, and after you have given the mis-user of the washing machine their just deserts, the public defenders might just level the whole neighborhood, including you. This could be a problem, especially if some of those leveled in this way have unpaid student debts.

(The danger of washing machines was only recently discovered. It seems not excluded that similar dangers might arise from other appliances, such as refrigerators or stoves or electric lights, or even machine guns.)