WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) — Leaders from both parties today agreed that the end of the world on December 21 has made it unnecessary to do anything to stop global warming.
“Not that we really believed in that science stuff,” said Grumble Lostquest, the House majority leader, “but it’s nice to have confirmation that if we allow industry to destroy the world, it really doesn’t matter. It leaves me much freer to enjoy lunch with those charming guys from the Carbon Dioxide Can Stop Fires Association.”
On the other side of the aisle, Democrats said that they were at least equally pleased by the latest development. Congressman Bodgie Bumble, a two-term member from West Arkansas,* explained: “We Democrats have always been in favor of preventing climate change. Now that the world doesn’t exist, it’s obvious that the climate can’t change any more, so we have achieved our goal — and without doing anything, which was always our strategy!”
A spokesperson for the White House said that the President “deserves the Nobel Prize for environmentalism, if there is one — we have the NSA researching that. It was only under this administration that the world ended and climate change therefore stopped. If he could get the Peace Prize while waging war, this one should be a no-brainer.”
The spokesperson added that the President’s success with climate change would motivate him to pursue other important goals, including “pretending to tax rich people”.
However, Grumble Lostquest immediately rejected this suggestion: “Pretending to tax rich people could imply that rich people aren’t entitled to take everything we have, and this could cause them to go overseas and rob foreigners instead of robbing us.” Republicans, he said, “would fight to the last Medicare recipient” to ensure that “the only people who fall over the fiscal cliff have been stripped of all entitlements before they go.”
* It is a little-known fact that West Arkansas is a separate state from the Arkansas that most people are familiar with. West Arkansas seceded from Arkansas in 1853, mainly because of annoyance about the delay in getting the Civil War under way.