President announces plans for Greenland

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today announced that the United States has acquired Greenland as its newest territory. The President denounced as “fake news” reports that the government of Denmark had denied there was any agreement for the transfer of the island to the US.

Commenting to reporters from the eighth green at his Florida resort Mainly Loco, President Dump said, “I offered them a great price and they knew next time the price would be lower, so they agreed. That’s the whatchamacallit deal of the art.”

Asked what the price was, the President replied, “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t get where I am by paying promises. If they want the money, they’ll have to sue me, and I can always appoint more judges to the Supine Corpse.”

As a territory of the United States, Greenland “will have a greatly glorious future,” the President promised. Plans were already well under way for the construction of several resort and casino complexes, including Dump Glacier and Dump Arctic. “Building these greatly magnificent centers will provide jobs for the impoverished natives,” President Dump said, “and those who don’t work will be sent back to the shithole countries they came from.”

Development will include the construction of an island-girdling fence “to keep out Mexican rapists and foreign penguins.” Denmark would pay for the construction, but until the money comes through from Denmark, the fence will be paid for by diversion of funds appropriated by Congress for primary children’s school lunches.

The President added that Greenland would henceforth be known as the Dumpland Territory. He would shortly ask the Senate to admit Dumpland as the 51st state, with 37 electoral votes, before the 2020 presidential election. As for the House of Representatives, “I hope the Dems will do the right thing, but if not to hell with them. Dumpland will be the next state and its people love me.”