Court frees mass murderer

AUSTIN, TEXAS (Rooters agency) – State police and judicial authorities have been forbidden to take any action against Ted Leatherface, the “Satan’s Disciple” arrested for the Christmas Eve Massacre that killed seven shoppers and wounded 18 others.

The Court of Criminal Appeals, the state’s highest court for criminal cases, yesterday granted an injunction sought by Leatherface’s lawyer. The court agreed that Leatherface, the assistant clerk of Beartrap County, was an “official” within the meaning of the Texas Religious Discrimination Act. The act prevents state authorities from taking any action against any official “on account of the person’s act or refusal to act that is substantially motivated by sincere religious belief.”

Leatherface had for many years publicly identified as a worshiper of Satan. Last December 24, he published a manifesto on Facebook, “Enough of All This God Stuff!” and then entered a large Houston department store, where he opened fire with a repeating rifle on the store Santa Claus and surrounding shoppers. He was captured after being knocked unconscious from behind by a now celebrated hero, Sally Hardtack, who hit him in the head with her handbag. (Hardtack’s action is cited by the National Weapons Association as proof of the importance of everyone carrying a weapon, because it was apparently the .44 Magnum in her handbag that made it heavy enough to knock out Leatherface.)

Leatherface was charged with seven counts of murder, 18 counts of attempted murder, and 33 counts (the number of bullets he fired) of disrupting a lawful business.

However, in a 7-2 decision, the Court of Criminal Appeals agreed with his attorney that Leatherface’s devil worshiping constituted a “sincere religious belief” and was the motivation for gunning down the shoppers, whom Leatherface assumed were god-worshipers of one sort or another, probably Christian. The Texas Religious Discrimination Act therefore granted him immunity from prosecution.

In his dissent from the ruling, Justice Seldon Thoughtfull said, “I don’t think this is what the state’s legislature had in mind.”

Governor R.I. Pettier agreed, saying he would convene the legislature to amend the act to “make clear that when we say ‛religious freedom,’ we mean ours, not someone else’s.’”