US reaches compromise on guns

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a surprise breakthrough, the President and the gun lobby today reached a compromise settlement on “the gun question.”

Earlier in the day, the President, responding to the morning’s third mass shooting and a tactical nuclear weapon attack on a Los Angeles cafe which the attacker said didn’t provide enough salt on its French fries, had declared, “Enough is enough. I’m really getting tired from making these statements six or seven times a day. I need some sleep.”

National Weapons Association (NWA) President Barry Bogus III then indicated willingness to seek an accommodation with the President.

“Guns don’t kill people. Criminals, lunatics, political extremists, grudge holders, people who don’t like loud music, small children and accident-prone people who happen to have a gun nearby kill people,” Bogus said. “If the President is ready to surrender and stop covering up for the real culprits, then we should be able to reach a solution.”

The draft agreement between the two Presidents specifies that, because it is people, not guns, who kill, measures to reduce killing should focus on the real cause, namely people. It is expected that the President will ask Congress to pass legislation that makes being a person prima facie evidence of homicidal intentions.

This would mean that people, in general, were outlawed. However, Congress could also pass exemption laws, so that people accompanied by a gun that vouched for their good character would be presumed innocent unless they disagreed with a gun.