MILWAUKEE, July 8, 2020 (Rooters agency) – Plans for the Democratic National Convention, scheduled to be held here starting next Monday, have been thrown into disarray by yesterday’s announcement of the Great America Peace in Our Time Agreement between President Ronald Dump and Democratic Party would-be challenger, billionaire Henry Flower.
“It does make the presidential part of the convention a bit irrelevant,” said convention president Joe Salmon. “But we might do a bit of a show about our Senate and Congressional candidates.”
Flower had been one of the leading Democratic candidates, but who would eventually be chosen by the convention was not at all clear, none of the candidates having yet secured a majority of delegates.
However, in a first for American politics, Dump and Flower declared that they would cease opposing each other in any fashion, and that Flower would purchase the presidency from Dump for the price of $4.38 billion.
“It’s probably the biggest bestest deal ever,” the President declared. “I might write a book about it so I can read about how smart I am. You know, I only ran for the job to make money, and look what I’ve got now!”
President-To-Be Flower – as he has instructed the press to refer to him between now and next January 20 – said, “I congratulate President Dump on his wisdom and compassion in agreeing to such a non-confrontational transfer of the presidency.”
Flower pointed out that the agreement meant there was no longer any need for a “divisive” election that “would set citizen against citizen.” Now, Americans “from Wall Street to Amex to NASDAQ” could be confident that Washington was putting their interests first.
Among other specifics in the agreement, Dump and Flower also declared that there was now “no point” in granting “nosy demands” for disclosure of candidates’ federal tax returns, since there now were no candidates.
The deal is not as expensive for Flower as might first appear, since he was already committed to spending several billion dollars on his election campaign – and without the guaranteed result he has now obtained.
It is not yet clear whether Flower will count the purchase of the presidency as part of his “giving pledge” – a promise by the very wealthy to give at least half of their wealth to philanthropic causes. Since making the pledge, Flower has given away several billion dollars but has been frustrated by his fortune increasing more rapidly than his gifts can reduce it.