Administration plan to reduce wildfires

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Ronald Dump Administration’s chief environmental protector has announced a plan to sharply curtail the numerous wildfires laying waste to forests in much of the western United States.

Inferior Secretary Rhizome Blinky is widely regarded within the Administration as the most outstanding holder of that office since Ronald Reagan appointed Jimmy Swat as his first Inferior Secretary. Swat was noted for his expressed desire to protect the country’s natural environment until the year 2000, when the Second Coming would put an end to such worries.

Following on from President Dump’s tweet blaming California wildfires on Hispanic migrants who had drunk up all of the state’s lakes, Rhizome Blinky has taken to both radio and print to argue that environmentalists are also to blame.

This is not a debate about climate change,” Blinky said, “because officials in this Administration are not allowed to use that phrase. It is about environmentalists pretending to protect trees.

But if you look at those wildfires, what is it that you see burning? Trees! Lots of trees! A hugely lot of trees! And if those trees weren’t there, would they be burning? No, they would not! So if environmentalists hadn’t prevented us from cutting those trees, they wouldn’t be burned.”

It follows, Blinky continued, that removing trees would “do away with wildfires, or at least the part of them that depends on trees. But if we have to, we can also take out the grass and shrubs.”

According to Blinky, “Clearcutting will make American wilderness great again, because it will be safe from fire. Also, it will mean that hunters will be in less danger of getting lost, or of shooting each other because trees block their vision.”

While the Blinky Plan has been endorsed by the President, the National Weapons Association, and ALEC (the Croc Brothers-funded American Lunacy Expansion Conspiracy), some Washington insiders think it faces a major obstacle. They say that President Dump has noted that the plan has caused Blinky’s name to be mentioned nearly as often as his own on some Pox News broadcasts.

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Posted in ALEC, environmentalists, wildfires | Leave a comment

Mexico to study role in US refugee disaster

MEXICO CITY, 2 August 2030 (Rooters Agency) – The government of President Gómez will be establishing a commission to conduct a wide-ranging investigation into any failures or oversights on the Mexican side that may have contributed to the recent massive loss of life by North American refugees fleeing the colossal volcanic explosion and lava flow that wiped out large parts of the south-central United States.

As is well known, tens of thousands of ordinary residents of northern Mexico rushed to join police and military units that were helping the fleeing US refugees to swim, float or paddle makeshift rafts across the Rio Grande.

But along the land border, the Dump Border Wall, built early in President Ronald Dump’s third administration, proved too great an obstacle; thousands of the refugees perished, their bodies jammed up against the Wall, or as they fled east or west, vainly seeking a route around the Wall.

The Mexican relief agencies and authorities who tried to dismantle the Wall or open a passage through it had to retreat as they were fired on by the US agency ICE (Instant Cruelty Enforcement).

Nevertheless, President Gómez’s advisors have made it clear that the investigation will deal only with Mexican agencies, and will not consider the actions of any US authorities. While this restriction may make it difficult to consider all the factors in what went wrong, it is considered diplomatically necessary after President Dump, speaking from the 16th green of the golf course at his Florida resort Mainly Loco, denounced reports of the eruption as “fake news.”

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Study confirms ‘fake news’ charge

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Independent research has confirmed that US media are printing or broadcasting a large amount of fake news about the administration of President Ronald Dump.

The President recently declared that “90% of media coverage of my administration is negative”. This has been confirmed by a study undertaken by the News Research Center, which found that 91% of coverage of the administration is negative.

Commenting on the study, Rich News of the NRC pointed out, “This means that 9-10% of reporting on the Dump administration is favorable, or at least not critical. So about one-tenth of the political coverage Americans consume is pure bullshit.”

The actual percentage of fake news could be even higher than indicated in the research, News explained, because the NRC study had not included Pox News. “If we had included Pox, that would have raised the national average of fake news from 9% to well over half.

However, in our media studies we normally place Pox, not in news, but in fantasy and science fiction.”

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Fifth figure at Helsinki summit

WASHINGTON (A Rooters agency exclusive) – The world was told that US President Ronald Dump and Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky met in their Helsinki summit with only one Russian and one US translator present. But Rooters has learned that a fifth person joined the meeting only a few minutes after it began.

The background to the unreported fifth person is that White House advisors, worried by what Dump might say spontaneously in the meeting, persuaded him to use a compilation of his oral remarks and tweets about Russia since his election. The compilation was written out for President Dump to read at the summit, in the hope that he would not wander too far from the script.

However, Dump had gone through only part of the remarks when Buttinsky’s translator asked for a clarification: “Is he speaking English? If so, is he threatening war or threatening surrender? What is the meaning of what he said?”

Dump’s translator replied, “I think it means we’re going to build a wall on the Mexican border. Does Russia have a border with Mexico?”

At this point, it was decided to bring in a third translator – one who could translate Dumpspeak into English. The summit meeting was then able to proceed.

Little is known about the identity of this extra translator. However, it is widely believed that she or he may have come from another galaxy.

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Economic analysis: Go long on shooting

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – Around the world, share prices of defense industry corporations have jumped dramatically following US President Ronald Dump’s remarks to the summit meeting here of NETO (Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization).

Dump took other participants in the summit by surprise. They had expected him to propose that NETO commandos conduct a training raid on Washington to remove some troublesome investigators. Instead, the US President proposed that all NETO members increase their military spending to 4 percent of GDP.

As a number of industry accountants quickly figured out, if followed, this proposal would result in the combined defense expenditures of the 29 NETO countries nearly equaling or surpassing the current military spending of the entire world.

What more could we ask for?” the accountants exclaimed, to which their respective boards of directors replied, “We’re working on that.”

More cautious investors have indicated doubts as to whether the other NETO countries will accede to the US proposal. However, a White House insider has told Rooters that the President has mentioned a possible alternative plan if the other NETO members refuse to come to the party.

Apparently, Dump was recently informed by his national security advisor, Hawk Incitatus, that North Korea probably leads the world in military spending as a percentage of GDP. Indeed, a 2005 study, probably still accurate, by the RAND Corporation (Radioactive Ninjas and Destroyers) estimated that North Korea was spending 25-30 percent of its GDP on defense.

That’s the spirit we need!” the President shouted on hearing the figure. “Get my friend Kim Jung-il Jim on the phone! North Korea has to be a member of NETO!”

Posted in military spending, North Korea, RAND Corporation | Leave a comment

US offers olive branch to Kim

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Dick Pompous this week held out an olive branch to the North Korean regime of Kim Jung-il Jim.

Following his visit to Pyongyang, where Pompous discovered that the North Korean leader hadn’t heard about the agreements that President Ronald Dump announced he had made with Kim, Pompous sought to persuade the North Koreans that they should sign on the dotted line and trust the US to fill in the details later.

When a country decides to create a brighter future for itself alongside the United States, we follow through on our promises,” Pompous declared. “For example, Libya agreed to complete denuclearization, and ever since we arranged for that Qaddafi fellow to be tortured to death, Libya has been a … No, scratch that. Think of Vietnam instead.

Vietnam has had a brighter future, and a brighter present, since 1975. We promised them billions of dollars for rebuilding bits of what we had bombed, and we might actually have given them the money if they hadn’t gotten uppity and kicked our ass out.

Still, they’re doing pretty well since they stopped shooting at us when we left, and the lesson of that is that … well, I guess I’ll let the President explain that.”

Posted in Libya, North Korea, nuclear weapons, Vietnam War | Leave a comment

White House statement on killing of journalists

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – On behalf of President Ronald Dump, who was busy tweeting, White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders today issued a strong statement on the murder of five employees of a Maryland newspaper:

Strongly condemn the evil act of senseless violence in Annapolis, MD. A violent attack on enemies of the American people doing their job is an attack on every American. Our prayers are with the victims and their friends and families.”

Posted in Capital Gazette | Leave a comment