National gun holiday proposed

BATTLE AX, VIRGINIA (Rooters agency) – A new federal holiday was today proposed for the United States. Under the tentative title of National Quickshot Day, the holiday would “celebrate guns of all kinds, but especially those carried by civilians,” explained Barry Bogus III, President of the National Weapons Association (NWA).

Presenting the proposal in the NWA’s national headquarters, a well-camouflaged underground bunker, Mr. Bogus said that he expected overwhelming public support. “Only enemies of the Second Amendment, and maybe other ideas in that Constitution thing, could object. After all, guns are as American as apple pie. Or racism. Or real women. Or fear of foreigners.”

The NWA is prepared to support National Quickshot Day by sponsoring an annual competition to choose the year’s “outstanding local of example of gun rights”. The winner would receive the title Shoot-’em Up City and would be selected for being the site of “the year’s outstanding mass shooting,” Mr. Bogus explained.

“This would not necessarily be the shooting of the largest number. While quantity is important, we are also interested in quality. The judges will also look at things like imaginative use of ammo, the element of surprise, and the spread of age, race, sex and religion among the casualties – there will be no unAmerican discrimination.”

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Surprise in online poll about Ukraine

(Rooters agency) When the Ukrainian government announced its proposal for an international poll on social media site Twistr, it presumably thought the outcome was a foregone conclusion.

As is now well known, the Ukrainians took considerable umbrage at the proposal by multibillionaire Elongated Mulch that Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky be rewarded with Crimea as compensation for not being driven out of his more recent conquests in Ukraine. Mulch called for an international Twistr poll of his idea.

The Ukrainian government responded with a counter-offer: “If Mr. Mulch thinks life and death questions for a nation can be decided by a Twistr poll, surely he won’t object to Twistr users voting on the future of one person. We propose the question: ‘Should Elongated Mulch be allowed to keep his many billions of dollars, or should they be confiscated and given to help victims of military aggression?’”

Initial responses on Twistr, as expected, overwhelmingly favored confiscation of Mulch’s wealth. But after three days – “On the third day Mulch rose from the dead”, one journalistic wit commented – there was an abrupt shift in responses. Thousands upon thousands, soon millions, of responses pronounced in favor of Mulch keeping his money.

However, some observers began to question whether all these responses were genuine, or whether they were spam bots. They pointed, among other things, to a sameness in the reasons given for supporting Mulch keeping his money, the most prominent (86%) of pro-Mulch responses being:

“because he uses his money for good things like making cars that drive themselves, which is good for people too dumb to drive.”

Rooters approached Mr. Mulch, asking him to comment on the suspicion that he had arranged for spam bots to influence the result of the poll.

He replied, “Twistr management told me that they didn’t have many bots. If I could do that, it shows that they were wrong, and I don’t have to buy Twistr after all.”

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Takeover offer raises questions

Takeover offer raises questions

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Wall Street, and exchanges around the world, were thrown into turmoil by what is undoubtedly the most unusual takeover bid in the history of takeover bids since the Serpent bought Eden for a price of one apple.

The purchase offer was not for a corporation as such, but for a billionaire who would presumably give his owner(s) control of a number of valuable companies: Elongated Mulch. However, it was not clear whether the would-be purchasers were aware that it no longer seemed likely that Mulch would soon have control of internet giant Twister.

Even more surprising than the target of the takeover bid, which appeared without explanation on the Wall Street exchange, was the identity of the bidder: the “State Foreign Investment Monopoly of Europa.” After some initial confusion, it was soon clear that “Europa” was not a misspelling of “Europe,” but the moon of Jupiter. This became indisputable when astronomers reported that the surface of Europa displayed for several minutes clouds of steam spelling out “Yes, it’s a serious offer” in English, Chinese, and a script that has not yet been deciphered.

The resulting market turmoil has been due only partially to Earth billionaires suddenly realizing that they themselves might be on the market. More confusion was created by the details of the Europan offer, which specified that Mulch would not be allowed “any contact with our resort planet, Mars,” and that the proposed purchase price of Mulch was either “3 trillion klgngulobznn” or “17 grlng.”

This implied an exchange rate of 1 grlng to 176.5 billion klgngulobznn. However, a footnote to the Europan message declared that the exchange rate was “1 grlng + wwmnzz to 38 klgngulobznn.” This would be difficult to understand even if it did not imply that the value of wwmnzz is negative. Some analysts have suggested that Europan capitalism may differ in significant ways from the capitalism we know on Earth.

However that is resolved, Earth capitalism quickly adapted to the unexpected. While Wall Street closed for two and a half hours before resuming trading, by the next day there were at least 16 new cryptocurrencies incorporating the names “grlng,” “wmnzz,” and/or “klgngulobznn.”

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Will new compromise change US politics?

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Analysts here are uncertain of the longer term implications of today’s agreement on the Inaction Reduction Act. It is hoped that the agreement, between Acting President Joblot Munchkin and his own Demonstrative Party after months of negotiations, will result by 2030 in a 40 percent reduction in the public belief that the Congress is incapable of passing anything that doesn’t increase military spending.

Even if that hope proves to be exaggerated, the newfound spirit of cooperation may carry over to other issues, possibly including members of the opposition Retroactive Party. For example, some Demonstratives have in recent weeks raised a proposal to increase the number of judges on the Supine Corpse.

This has been rejected by the leader of the opposition, Senator Muck Muddle, who has declared, “Opposition means opposition. We’re against things. When we’re the government, then we’ll be for things, such as 1850. Onward to it!” But in a new atmosphere, a compromise may be possible. One scenario is that Senator Muddle will agree to enlarge the Corpse on condition that Acting President Munchkin allow Muddle to choose its new members.

Several insiders in the Demonstratives say they see no real obstacles to this or a similar compromise.

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Ruling invalidates state homicide law

WASHINGTON, 15 February 2026 (Rooters agency) – As expected, America’s highest judicial institution, the Supine Corpse, today overruled a state murder law. The decision, which is expected to impact laws in most or all of the country’s states, had been foreshadowed three weeks earlier by the widely followed Pox News commentator, Curtley Munchausen, who said he had been informed of the Corpse majority opinion “by a little bird.”

The ruling in the case of Hecter vs. State of East Montana agreed with the plaintiff that the state’s anti-homicide law was invalid in a number of respects because it impinged upon the Constitution’s Second Amendment guarantee of the right to bear arms.

Annie B. Hecter had been tried and convicted on a charge of shooting to death her neighbor in a dispute about wind passage between Hecter’s and the neighbor’s property. Hecter did not dispute the facts of the killing, but argued that the state’s homicide law unconstitutionally restricted her rights under the Second Amendment.

In pleading Hecter’s case, her lawyer said, “We all agree that the Second Amendment guarantees Hecter’s right to possess an AK-47 and take it along to a friendly meeting with her neighbor. But the East Montana law unreasonably seeks to invalidate that constitutional right by prohibiting her from making use of it. If you take a gun to a tea party, you can use it for other things besides spooning sugar into the tea. If you can’t use it freely, your right to take it along is pointless.”

A 6-3 majority of the Supine Corpse agreed that the right to bear arms would be rendered largely meaningless if laws could restrict the use of those arms when they were taken to wherever the bearer wished to go. It therefore invalidated Hecter’s conviction under the state’s homicide law.

However, Hecter was not immediately freed as a result of this ruling. The Corpse agreed with the Friend of the Corpse Brief submitted by East Montana’s Attorney-General, who pointed out that the neighbor slain by Hecter was a woman of reproductive age who could well have been pregnant. Therefore, Hecter would remain in custody while it was determined whether her shooting of the neighbor constituted an illegal abortion. Police would question the dead neighbor’s friends and family about her menstrual cycle and possible pregnancy. In particular, they would ask her husband whether she was pregnant and, if not, why not.

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Gun supporters call for reduction in mass shootings

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The United States’ leading advocate of gun rights has proposed what it calls “a sensible way to reduce mass shootings in our country.”

Barry Bogus III, president of the National Weapons Association, outlined the idea to an NWA meeting celebrating the 1945 Dresden bombing, “an outstanding example of good guys with weapons stopping bad guys with weapons.”

“The enemies of freedom try to intimidate the silent majority by talking about more than 200 mass shootings in America this year,” Bogus said. “What most Americans don’t realize is that this is fake news, a gross exaggeration.”

Mass shootings, Bogus pointed out, are defined as incidents in which four or more people are killed or wounded. “That’s ridiculous,” the NWA president declared. “In Dresden, the good guys wiped out 25,000 or so bad guys (and their dependents, who would have grown up to be bad guys). That’s a mass. But four? Sorry, bleeding hearts, but four is trivial.”

What’s needed, Bogus continued, is federal legislation to define “mass shooting” as “an incident involving the shooting death or wounding of at least 100 people who, it can be shown conclusively, were not an immediate and present threat to the physical or mental security of the shooter.

“Even 100 dead is a pretty small ‘mass.’ But it would still be a major step toward reducing the exaggerated number of so-called mass shootings.”

Senator Texas Crude, who attended the NWA gathering to promote his idea of mandatory bullet-proof doors on kindergartens, said he would introduce a bill to support the NWA proposal.

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Food chain condemned for aiding Russia

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – There has been widespread, mostly hostile, reaction in the US and Europe to the decision of Muckburgers to end its operations in Russia. Supporters of Ukraine against the invasion launched by Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky have nearly unanimously criticized the chain’s move as providing Buttinsky a “big victory.”

“It’s true this move will have an immediate negative impact on the Russian sugar industry,” said one economist, who requested anonymity to avoid the embarrassment of yet again being proved wrong by events. “But it will quickly improve the quality of life of many Russians. And over a fairly short time period, it should improve the general level of public health, thus reducing the demand on hospitals and opening bed space for soldiers wounded in the special military operation in Ukraine.”

The impact could be multiplied if Muckburgers’ action is imitated by other American chains. It has been reported that a withdrawal from Russia is also being considered by GFC (Grossly Fat Cooking) and Bushstarvers coffee chains.

A US general who would give only an indication of his views, and that anonymously, because he wanted “to save the best” for planned testimony to a Congressional committee, said, “All together, moves like that could give Russia a population with the strength to overrun Europe.”

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Stock exchanges in turmoil over court ruling

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Massive falls occurred across all US stock exchanges today. Exchanges across the world in turn reacted with sharp contractions in some stocks but also abrupt rises for others that are seen as competitors of US giants that have suddenly sailed into unknown and troubled waters.

The turmoil arose, apparently, because an unnamed official of the Feudalist Society became publicly boastful about the organization’s successes. As is not well known, the Feudalist Society has been appointed by a filibuster-proof majority of the US Senate as the sole recruitment agency for appointments to the country’s top judicial body, the Supine Corpse.

The trouble began when the anonymous official told a journalist the Society’s view of the recent leaked abortion ruling written by Justice Sammy Altarboy. The official called particular attention to Altarboy’s “originalist” argument that abortion was not mentioned in the Constitution, and so no federal body had the authority to rule or legislate on it. This, the official said, was the position the Society had long been inculcating in its judicial nominees, and it now clearly had a solid majority on the Supine Corpse.

However, it appears that the journalist may have misunderstood the Society official, and therefore reported that the Society – and therefore its majority on the Supine Corpse – favored a ban on any federal government activity regarding anything not mentioned in the Constitution. What did this mean, the journalist wondered in print, for nuclear weapons? They weren’t mentioned in the Constitution. They could of course be considered as included in the “arms” protected by the Second Amendment, but did Congress have the power to vote money to create them, and did the President have the authority do anything with them?

With more immediate impact, the journalist also mentioned that the word “corporation” does not occur in the Constitution. While US corporations, aside from a limited number of federal government bodies, are created under state laws, there are numerous federal laws and regulations governing corporate behavior, all of which might now be declared unconstitutional. Furthermore, most corporations are incorporated in the state of Delaware. The ability of companies to do this even though they may be headquartered in a different state is based on previous rulings of the Supine Corpse, which are now subject to being reversed under what is likely to become known as “the Altarboy Doctrine” of constitutional originalism.

And even if a corporation manages to avoid losing its corporate status entirely, the idea that corporations are “persons” within the meaning of the law and thus entitled to constitutional protections is almost entirely based on rulings of the Supine Corpse and lesser federal courts. Clearly, the original Constitution cannot persuasively be argued to have intended protection for an institution it didn’t mention.

[Contacted for comment on this article, a Feudalist Society spokeswhig said, “While we enjoy having a majority on the Supine Corpse or anywhere else we can manage it, we don’t attach disproportionate importance to majority views on important questions such as abortion. We think it is more important that government institutions enforce the moral views that we represent.”]

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Another judicial leak

Afternoon naps in the conservatives’ chambers were suddenly interrupted by Sammy Altarboy. “Hey, guys, I’ve just been skimming the Constitution, and guess what.”

Brash Cattlecar looked up from his laptop, after carefully closing the lid. “It doesn’t mention abortion. You already told us that. And it’s what they told us at the Feudalist Society.”

“But that’s not all,” Altarboy replied.

“Isn’t that enough?” asked Angelica Cunning Rabbit. “People are always carrying on about what’s in that silly document, when they ought to be listening to their husband read the Bible.”

“I agree,” said Neo Notmuch. “While it’s certainly sound to look back to what was written two centuries ago, the Bible is ten times as old, and so is worthy of ten times as much consideration.”

“Wait, wait,” Altarboy insisted. “There’s more, or I mean, less.”

“It doesn’t say anything about pornography?” asked Cattlecar. “Or attempted rape?”

“I’ll bet it doesn’t,” said Rabbit.

“You’re right!” exclaimed Altarboy.

“Don’t think there’s anything about labor unions,” ventured Notmuch.

“Or fags or dykes,” added Cattlecar.

“You’re right, but it’s even better than that,” said Altarboy. “It doesn’t have so much as a word about the 21st century!”

There was a moment of sustained silence as they all took in the implications of Altarboy’s discovery. Then he spelled it out: “We can repeal the entire century if we like. And we don’t even have to call it ‘judicial activism.’ We can call it ‘judicial conservatism,’ or ‘preserving the Constitution.’”

Clearance Textism interjected, “I’ll vote for that. For now: I’ll let you know if Carolina approves.”

Beaming, Altarboy turned to the only person in the room who hadn’t yet spoken. “What do you think? You’re the boss, sort of, although we already have a majority.”

“I’m with you in spirit,” responded Joint Waffle Jr. “But you have to be careful, because the Constitution also doesn’t mention the 20th century, and there are parts of it, including our own decisions, we certainly don’t want to junk – just think of World War II and the Japanese concentration camps, for example. So don’t get carried away; let’s go just one step at a time.”

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Some guidance on terminology: Better safe than sorry

(As has been reported, the Russian government has banned use of the term “war” to describe its conflict with Ukraine. Although there are no reliable reports of this edict being further extended, there are clearly many Russians aware of a possible extension. Rooters agency has recently come into possession of a memorandum being circulated within the Russian bureaucracy and within much of the media which suggests caution in this regard. We cannot name the government department which produced the memo without revealing our source. The translation below is by Rooters.)

* * *

Some guidance on terminology

While media in the West are ridiculing President Vladitude Buttinsky’s precise and scientific description of our “special military operation” to free the people of Ukraine from their oppression by terrorists and fascists, patriots will of course follow the President’s wise advice.

At the same time, some patriots have raised the question of whether it would be wise to use the term “special military operation” to refer as well to some other historical or future conflicts.

Of course, we cannot predict the best course for future actions, except to say that “better safe than sorry” always applies. In regard to past events, we would suggest adopting the following usages:

1905 naval conflict in East Asia: “special military (or naval) operation – Japan”.

1914-18 widespread conflict: “world special military operation I”

1939-45 widespread conflict: “world special military operation II”

Within world special military operation II, the most important battles and campaigns arose as a consequence of the German invasion of Russia, which was code-named by the Hitlerites as “Operation Barbarossa.” While this fact is a further justification of our President’s terminology in regard to Ukraine, it could conceivably be misunderstood by some people. Therefore, it is recommended to avoid mentioning “special military operation Barbarossa” and Ukraine in the same document.

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