Job application

The Governor, Raleigh, NC

Dear Sir,

I would like to apply for a job as a Teacher in your Excellent State. Because I have just learned that North Carolina is going to allow teachers to carry guns in schools.

I am very well qualified to carry a gun in any school. Even when I was a little boy and only had a slingshot, I had a deadly aim I could kill a squirrel at 30 feet. Now I am still a deadeye with a rifle or a pistol or even a slingshot still if the commie greenies take our guns a way.

I always thought that guns in school is a good idea because it scares away the terrists and also helps the pupils to learn about American Values and the Constitutional Amendments that protects our Freedoms. Like the Second Freedom, the Right to Shoot Guns.

Also, if the Teacher has a gun the pupils might probably think it’s a good idea to behave themselves. (Just joking.)

I could also be a Teacher in a high school. Because I think there are more crazy pupils and terrists in high schools, so I could be useful there. But I would like and maybe it’s better if I teach in a primary school. Where I could show the boys how to aim slingshots during recess and Values stuff like that.

Yours sincerely,

[Illegible]

P.S. I have my own guns or does the school supply them for me? If I use my guns, does the school pay me a rent for them? Who pays for the bullets?

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Feeling lonely? You’re not alone

Ironically, surveys reveal that loneliness is increasing, even as the number of people around us increases.

How can this be? Some people say it’s because too many of all these new people are different from me.

That may well be the reason. And therefore it’s understandable if you feel the need to respond to this threat by buying a gun or two (see our website for an amazing selection).

But there are also other ways to overcome loneliness that might suit your needs. For example, you could wear a MAGA hat, and then feel safe and connected with other people wearing MAGA hats (see our website for an amazing selection of sizes and colors).

However, some of those other people wearing MAGA hats might not really be friends. They might be enemies wearing the hat to deceive us. No wonder you feel alone.

And there are many people who wouldn’t wear MAGA hats who also feel lonely.

Don’t worry: we cater for everyone.

You don’t have to be alone. Siri and Alexa were only the beginning. Modern technology means that you can now converse with any number of differently designed online artificial people (artpeeps) who will never contradict you (unless you want them to).

Even better, it is now possible to buy or rent an artpeep that is physically present, and which looks just like a human being, with whatever modifications you prefer (see our website for an amazing selection of models and prices).

So your problems are over. Loneliness is no longer a problem, because people are now unnecessary. (We accept all credit cards.)

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Former schoolteacher will not run for President

WEST BUNGYVILLE (Rooters agency) – Former schoolteacher Daisy Dandelion today ended months of speculation by announcing that she will not run for President in 2020, disappointing many of her followers.

Since her retirement from teaching, the 68-year-old Dandelion has remained active in public affairs, including in the Bungyville District PTA, where she has been a strong advocate for progressive education.

In an op-ed published late last year in the Washington Post, Dandelion argued, “The USA is a wealthy country, and we can afford to teach our young people to read and think logically, so that they never repeat their elders’ mistake of taking seriously someone like Ronald Dump, let alone electing him.”

Dandelion is a strong critic of what she calls the government’s “refusal to act” on climate change. She also attacks the importance of money in politics. “This,” she says with a smile, “may be the reason I don’t have any.”

In fact, GoForItDaisy, a PAC formed in early 2018 to encourage a Dandelion candidacy, has reported raising “almost $3,000 in nickels and dimes donated by schoolchildren.”

Political analysts have been saying that a Dandelion entry into the Democratic primaries would pose a sharp contrast between an “ordinary American” candidate and candidates who were multi-millionaires or had access to multi-millions. The frequent coverage of Dandelion’s views and activities by the New York Times was seen as promising support for a candidate whose first loyalty was to voters rather than to wealth.

But, announcing her decision, Dandelion tweeted, “While I appreciate the widespread media interest in my ideas, I have to recognize that $3,000 isn’t enough even to start a campaign. But maybe $3,000 times six, plus interest, for 2024? Who knows?”

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Ho-hum: Former fixer reveals more Presidential crimes

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump is a “cheat,” “con man,” “liar,” “racist,” “sexist,” “tax fraudster,” “Russian agent,” “corrupter,” “library fine defaulter,” “adulterer,” “bribe recipient,” “Saudi agent,” “falsifier of evidence,” “conspirator,” “mass killer,” “and numerous other disgusting things I can’t bring myself to mention.”

These were the charges leveled during this quiet week by Dump’s former consigliore and money launderer Mick Clobber as he gave testimony to Congressional and Senate committees, most of whose members visibly struggled to stay awake.

“Is that all?” one of the committee members asked, yawning. “We knew all that. Isn’t there anything new?”

Responding after the conclusion of Clobber’s testimony, Senate Majority Dictator Mulch McCoal said, “None of that amounts to a high crime or misdemeanor. Can we now get on to something serious, like building a wall or fence or prison camp or something somewhere that the President will approve of?”

From the other side of politics, House Speaker Natty Petunia conceded, “It’s clear that impeachment will never get through the Senate, even if the President were to shoot someone in broad daylight on New York’s Fifth Avenue. Therefore, the most pressing task facing our caucus is to rein in those of our members suffering from the misguided idea that the point of being in politics is to try to change something.”

The White House also responded to Clobber’s testimony. Press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders charged, “Mick Clobber is an incurable liar; otherwise the President would never have hired him. He has exposed himself with the lying claim that the President is a library fine defaulter: everyone knows that the President has never, in his entire life, had anything to do with a book.”

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Church conclave condemns sexual abuse, if caught

ROME (Rooters agency) – Pope Frankie John Paul Mark II today declared “all-out disapproval” of priests, bishops, archbishops, cardinals, and popes who have been, or in the future may be, caught in flagrante delicto sexually abusing children.

Of course, this sort of thing has been going on for a long time,” Pope Frankie added. “I am told that it sometimes occurred even among dinosaurs, who were creatures that existed a long time ago, even before the creation of the world, as recorded in the Bible. All good Christians should think about that, but hopefully not too much.”

Pope Frankie was speaking at a special conference in the Vatican, titled “Sexual abuse: what can we do if we have to do something?”

The priests, bishops, archbishops, cardinals and pope in attendance unanimously agreed with Pope Frankie’s proposal that clergy who have been abusing children should “stop immediately, or at least as soon as possible” and “should strenuously try to avoid being caught.”

Noting that the most sexual abuse occurred within the family, the Pope said that in future the Church would therefore no longer uphold the nuclear family as God’s preferred arrangement for procreation and the upbringing of children, except in all of its religious instruction to believers.

The rape of children “is, and historically has been, a widespread phenomenon in all cultures and societies,” the Pope said. “They all do it, but we are trying to look better, so I am telling you all to stop. And at least the Church has never gone in for human sacrifice of children – unless, of course, they were heretics.

But anyway, while online pornography is available, how can you expect it not to affect the priests who are forced to watch it every day?”

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Venezuela recognizes other candidate as US President

CARACAS (Rooters agency) – In a move widely applauded in less economically developed parts of Africa, Asia, and Latin America, the Venezuela government today announced that it was withdrawing recognition of “usurper Ronald Dump” as President of the United States.

In an official statement, the Venezuelan Foreign Ministry said that Venezuela recognizes as “the legitimate President” of the United States Hermione N. Clement, the candidate whom Ronald Dump claims to have defeated in the US 2016 presidential election.

Dump seized the Presidency, the Venezuelan statement said, “even though the official count showed that candidate Clement had received almost 3 million more votes than Dump.” Dump had relied on “clearly anti-democratic measures that counted the votes of his supporters as more valuable than votes for the other candidate.”

Asked by reporters whether Venezuela’s position was weakened by the fact that Hermione N. Clement has not claimed the Presidency for herself, a Foreign Ministry spokesperson replied, “Her reticence is hardly surprising. Both before and after the election, Dump repeatedly threatened to jail Ms. Clement.

And he also publicly declared his intention to use tortures such as waterboarding and worse against ‘terrorists’ and to kill their children. Since he has accused Ms. Clement’s party of seeking to allow terrorists into the United States, it takes no stretch of the imagination to see the usurper using such measures against Ms. Clement and those who back her legitimate claim to the Presidency.”

While the Venezuelan announcement has received widespread public acclaim in the Third World, it it not clear how many governments will follow Venezuela’s lead on this question. In many of the countries where the US government is most despised, the local government was installed with the aid of Dump or one of his predecessors.

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