Court ruling throws election into turmoil

WASHINGTON, February 14, 2024 (Rooters agency) – An unexpected court ruling has disrupted nearly everyone’s expectations regarding the current presidential election campaign.

In a surprise 6-3 decision, the country’s highest judicial body, the Supine Corpse, has disqualified former President Ronald Dump from standing for the presidency. As Dump is leading in most polls of Republican voters, he was expected to win the party’s nomination to compete against Democratic President Joe Notrump in November.

The ruling came in a case brought by a little-known PAC, Constitution Over All. While COA does not disclose its members, funders, or supporters, a number of political observers have suggested it is a stalking horse for Governor Rump Dunceitis, who had made clear his intention to seek the Republican nomination if Dump did not contest it.

While the case involved sometimes abstruse legal arguments going back as far as George Washington’s administration, the central issue was clearly the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. COA, which has always backed Dump’s claim that he was the real winner in 2020, was able to cite abundant evidence that Dump believes himself to have continued as President.

On this basis, the majority decision drew the “logical conclusion” that “President Dump is now in his second consecutive term as President” and is therefore not eligible to be elected for another term, under the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits Presidents to a maximum of two terms.

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Court decision spurs new industry

(Rooters agency analysis) – “Quick draw” is a skyrocketing industry in America, and it has nothing to do with the graphic arts. Across the United States, in red states and blue, businesses providing “rapid-response firearm training” are springing up and flourishing overnight as gun purchases also soar.

While the immediate impulse for the surging interest in “quick draw” or “fast draw” may stem from the recent acquittal of young vigilante Wyatt Rottenhorse, it draws on a long American tradition. “It’s a revival of the Old West,” says Delbert Tombstone, proprietor of the new Wild Bill Hickok Rapid Fire Academy in Indians End, Ohio.

The Hickok Academy offers a fairly typical selection of courses. For the beginner, there are classes in the firing of various categories of firearms: pistols, rifles, semi-automatic weapons, and nearly any other weapon the student can afford. There is even a course in the use of the Gatling gun, although Tombstone stresses, “There’s no real way to start shooting quickly with that, and it’s hard to carry in a holster.”

Those already familiar with their firearm are then trained in all the aspects of face-to-face shootouts. This of course centers on the prime concern, which is shooting before, and more accurately than, one’s opponent.

But is also covers the finer points, including legal considerations. “It’s important before you open fire,” Tombstone explains, “to be reasonably confident that the other guy really intends to do you harm. That doesn’t mean you have to let him have the first shot, but it does mean he has to be threatening.” For this aspect, the Hickok course includes modules on “how to recognize a threatening look” and “how to recognize a threatening appearance.” “Getting these right,” Tombstone continues, “is really crucial, because it means you don’t have to wait until you see the enemy’s weapon, which might be concealed.”

Legal analysts consulted by Rooters say that Tombstone is right regarding the centrality of threat and recognizing it early. This was illustrated by the trial judge in Rottenhorse’s trial, Justice Shredder, who ruled that the people shot by the defendant could not be referred to as “victims” but could be called “looters,” “dangerous enemies,” “threatening nasties,” or, more simply, “the dead.”

Beyond the purely economic boom he and businesses like his are enjoying, Tombstone argues that the new industry will have a beneficial effect on American culture more generally: “We’re going back to our roots in the Old West: shooting anyone who seems dangerous. Or rude. Whatever.”

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Texas schools scrambling to meet legal requirement

AUSTIN, TX (Rooters agency) – School boards and teachers are scrambling to find texts that conform with a new state law requiring schools and teachers to present both sides of political issues.

Last week, education authorities informed the school board in Clambake, Texas, that if their schools have books or information on the Holocaust, the law requires that they also present information from an opposing view.

In regard to the Holocaust, most school districts seem to have settled on a quick solution, to judge from the decision to rush out a reprint by the publishers of the English translation of Mein Kampf.

But some other controversial issues are presenting. In regard to the American War of Independence, educational authorities have found an embarrassment of oppositional riches from English sources of the time. Which one to use has been narrowed down to a choice between two, and it is hard to know which of them would most closely meet the Texas legislature’s requirements. Is it Those Colonials Will Be Bloody Sorry or Good Riddance?

When it comes to Texan history, the problem is the reverse: a shortage of suitable books to oppose the usual celebration of the Republic of Texas. However, researchers eventually found a 19th century Mexican text that might meet the requirement. It is available only in Spanish, so Texas Governor George Babbitt is expected to ask the legislature for funds to commission an urgent translation. The title of the work, in English, means “Forget the Alamo!”

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3 Governments defend new military pact

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In what some analysts are calling “the biggest move for international peace and security since the Stalin-Hitler pact,” the US, UK, and Australia have formed a new defense alliance among the three countries.

Since those countries were already allied in various ways, the governments were asked what was “new” about the pact, aside from its name, Auktopus. For a start, explained a spokesperson for the British Foreign Secretary, the agreement “most definitely does not include France or the European Union, especially France. Prime Minister Bro Jejune insisted on that.”

A source in the State Department said that President Joe Notrump and Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered “have nothing against France. But their job is to look after American companies, whether they are making submarines or intercontinental missiles.

“Also, there is considerable advantage in a pact that doesn’t include NETO [Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization]. NETO involves 30 countries – at latest count, and it may be cloning more as we speak. With that large a group, it’s almost inevitable that one or more of them will have governments that find it politically inconvenient when we want them to support us invading somewhere. And if they say so openly, it creates bad publicity for us. Too much of that could threaten public support for our wars.”

On another controversial aspect of Auktopus, Australian Prime Minister Dunder Fella has responded to Chinese charges that the pact is intended to create a new cold war. “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “We wouldn’t be buying submarines – from anyone – if we didn’t intend to use them. So you don’t need to worry about a cold war. That would be a waste of taxpayers’ money.”

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Surprise disruption of MLB playoffs

TAMPA BAY (Rooters agency) October 7, 2021 – The Major League Baseball playoffs were thrown into confusion today when the opening game of the American League divisional series here was abruptly discontinued in the first inning.

The Rays pitcher had just begun his windup for the second pitch of the game when a dozen or more Florida state police burst onto the field, stopping play.

The police quickly handcuffed the home plate umpire and the Tampa Bay catcher, photographing both of them wearing protective masks.

At the same time, police used the stadium’s public address system to announce that the wearing of masks in public was a violation of a lawful order by Florida’s Governor, Rump Dunceitis. The game would be allowed to continue only if all involved promised that there would be no further use of “illegal” face-wear.

However, the umpires and the managers of both teams agreed that not using baseball’s traditional protective masks would be dangerous, and possibly illegal, so the game was abandoned.

MLB officials are now in conference about how to proceed. It seems most likely that the series will be moved out of Florida as quickly as that can be arranged, to a location less likely to suffer unexpected disruption. Colombia has been mentioned as one possibility.

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New party plans road freedom protests

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – America’s newest political party has announced plans for protests on roads in major cities and at strategic locations on the interstate highway system.

A spokesperson for the Complete Liberty Party said that “thousands, or dozens, of our supporters” would demonstrate their opposition to “governments’ unconstitutional and socialistic attempts to destroy our freedoms by banning us from driving on parts of the roads that our own taxes have paid for.”

They would do this by driving their vehicles “on the right side, left side, or middle” of roads and expressways, “including switching sides whenever it suits us.”

The spokesperson declined to specify when the protest actions would take place. “We are for complete liberty, so we would not presume to tell our supporters when to do something. We will back them whenever and wherever they defend their God-given freedom to defy dictatorship over our roads.”

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President comments on Cuba

WASHINGTON (Reuters agency) – Following is the text of a statement issued by President Joe Notrump on the situation in Cuba:

“We stand with the Cuban people and their call for relief from the tragic grip of the coronavirus pandemic. The pandemic is of course due to socialism, as proved by the fact that it has had almost no impact in the United States.

“We also support their call for relief from the decades of repression and economic suffering to which they have been subjected by the Cuban regime’s refusal to follow our orders. Their rights, including the right of peaceful protest and the right to freely determine their own future, would be respected if only they would exercise them by inviting United States corporations to retake control of their economy. If not, the blockade will continue.

“The United States (that is, me and my sponsors) calls on the Cuban government to serve the needs of its people by following our instructions, since we know better than anyone else what is good for them. After all, was Batista really all that bad?”

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NATO: What’s in a name?

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – To the surprise of many geopolitical scientists who weren’t paying attention, a big issue at this week’s NATO summit has been names.

NATO of course stands for North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Even when it was first formed – to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe, in case you’ve forgotten – the name was a bit odd, since it implied that Italy was a North Atlantic country, something that most Italians had probably not previously believed.

A few years later, NATO expanded to include Greece and Turkey. Aside from the inconvenience of a military alliance including members in the habit of shooting at each other, this further implied that the designation North Atlantic included pretty much all of the Mediterranean. Libyans and Serbians therefore couldn’t really say they hadn’t been warned when the bombs started falling – in order to forestall a Russian invasion, just in case the Russians might have been thinking about it.

Over the years, the North Atlantic, according to the US definition of NATO, has expanded to include the Baltic Sea and the Black Sea.

So NATO’s name has been increasingly inappropriate. When this week’s summit heard the proposal of US President Joe Notrump that the South China Sea be included in the definition of North Atlantic, at least one European leader is reported to have raised an objection. While he had no problem about engaging in a nuclear war with China, he didn’t want his country’s children miseducated about geography: If the kids thought parts of Asia were in the North Atlantic, wouldn’t that make it harder to raise fears about Asian refugees?

This leader therefore proposed that NATO stand for North of Antarctica Treaty Organization. With this definition, it would be considered quite normal if NATO decided to set up bases, or drop bombs, just about anywhere.

President Notrump was reportedly attracted by the proposal and sent it for evaluation by his advisors. However, the CIA raised the objection that the proposed name implied that the alliance had no military role in Antarctica itself. But the CIA had already found signs of terrorist propaganda among the continent’s penguins. And, even more seriously, the likely prospect of the Antarctic being ice free in a century or two made it imperative to ensure that the continent had a security environment suitable for the protection of the American Way, which would probably have to relocate there.

President Notrump therefore proposed a name change that also involved a slight change in the alliance’s initials. It will henceforth be NETO – the Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization. (The “Nearly” was important, the President pointed out, aside from minimizing public awareness of the change. “If everywhere was included,” he asked, “who would be the necessary enemy?”)

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Secretary of State elaborates on right of self-defense

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Defending the Administration’s refusal to condemn Israeli bombing of Gaza because “Israel has the right to defend itself,” Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered today argued that “American support for the right of self-defense has a long tradition.”

Think of the settling of the United States West, Blinkered said. “Those brave pioneers in their covered wagons: when they were attacked, they drew into a circle and defended themselves with rifle fire or Gatling guns until the attackers retreated or were dead.”

Earlier in US history, during the American Revolution and even colonial times, Americans firmly exercised their right to self-defense, Blinkered continued, causing surviving hostile Indian forces to retreat westward.

In more recent history, he said, at the end of the 19th century in China, armed terrorists, who initially masqueraded as “boxers”, attacked Europeans and Americans: diplomats, missionaries, soldiers, opium merchants and similar peaceful and lawful residents or visitors. The United States was part of the Eight Nation Alliance that successfully defended international law and the threatened groups, whom the terrorists identified on the basis of race.

In the same period, American troops in the Philippines, who, Blinkered pointed out, were lawfully present to maintain peace and good order in accordance with a treaty between the US and Spain, the previous lawful authority, were attacked by terrorists calling themselves the “Philippine Republic.” The US and its troops defended themselves bravely throughout the subsequent three-year police action that was necessary to suppress the terrorists.

“If you study history,” Blinkered concluded, “America has always stood up for the right of self-defense. Just the last century alone is an almost unbroken record of the United States defending itself against threats and attacks from literally scores of different countries. It would be rank hypocrisy if we were to criticize our ally, Israel, for following our lead in its own, much smaller, way.”

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Business puzzled by part of President’s speech

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – While President Joe Notrump’s speech marking his 100 days in office was welcomed by many parts of the business community, a new and influential business association has expressed doubts about one passage.

The press officer for the recently established organization Billionaires for Prosperity (BFP) told reporters: “We don’t understand the President’s repeated encouragement to ‘Buy America.’

“Our members already own America; we bought it ages ago. We don’t think it would be fair to make us buy it again. Although, if we have to, of course we will.”

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