Obstacle to North Korean deal explained

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A White House insider has suggested a plausible reason for the lack of a more rapid and smoother development of President Ronald Dump’s relationship with North Korean leader Kim Jung-il Jim.

The insider, who demanded anonymity for fear of having his security clearance canceled, said that Dump is, “I hate to say it, but frankly, jealous” of Kim.

The alleged reason for this jealousy is that Kim, unlike Dump, was put into office “with a larger vote than all the other candidates.”

However, possible ways of overcoming this difficulty are under consideration. The US Chief Colonial Secretary, Dick Pompous, is reported to be close to an agreement with the North Koreans.

This would involve Kim standing for office in a new election, which would involve one or more other candidates. One other candidate would receive more votes than Kim, and Kim would then be declared the winner.

The only remaining minor area of disagreement is that Dump says he isn’t yet able to match Kim in the next step required by the North Koreans, “but I’m working on it.” This is that Kim would then have the other candidate(s) executed.

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President explains ‘fake news’ on Hurricane Maria

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today denounced what he called “a new source of fake news.”

It’s a conspiracy, and the special prosecutor should get on to this, and leave those poor innocent Russians alone,” the President tweeted. “They are inventing fake news about people being killed by hurricanes in Poor Old Rico.”

President Dump was disputing a medical study which found that Hurricane Maria and its aftermath caused the deaths of nearly 3,000 people. “There may not even be that many Poor Old Ricans,” his tweet concluded.

The President visited the island shortly after the hurricane to distribute paper towels to residents whose paper towels might have blown away in the storm. “I didn’t see very many dead people on that trip,” he now says. “I didn’t see any, unless they were hiding somewhere, maybe under paper towels. And after we spent all that money to buy the towels.”

The Dems made it all up,” the President told a rally of the National Weapons Association, called in support of his reelection in 2020, 2024, and 2028. “The Dems asked lots of Poor Old Ricans to die just to try to make me look bad. They might have made up the hurricane too.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders later said that the President “wasn’t denying the reality of Hurricane Maria, or that it caused some inconvenience. He was just using President-talk to point out alternate realities.”

Asked whether there was any evidence for the President’s alternate reality, Slanders pointed out that “none of the alleged dead have contradicted the President’s view that they might have been induced to die.”

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President threatens to withdraw US from world

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today threatened to pull the United States out of the world if it doesn’t “shape up.”

If they don’t shape up, I would withdraw from the world,” the President said in an interview with Broombilger News.

It has frequently been indicated by administration insiders that the President’s chief international concern, after the “Chinese hoax” of global warming, is the shape of the world. While many, perhaps a majority, of the world’s governments regard the world as a sphere, the President has been heard to denounce this idea as “fake geogrammy.”

President Dump appears to believe that regarding the world as round rather than “flat, as everyone can see it is,” is the product of an international conspiracy to “make it seem impossible for America to be the center of it all.”

A source told Rooters that the President had often made comments like: “I don’t know why we’re in it. The world is designed by the rest of them to screw the United States. And to screw me, since I’m the center of America.”

Treasury Secretary Steptoe Munchkin said that the idea of the US withdrawing from the world was “an exaggeration, this week,” but pointed out that a “more or less flat world” could be bent upwards around the edges so that money and other things of value would naturally slide or flow down to the center, whereas this would be impossible on a sphere.

However, there is some concern in business circles as to the possible consequences if the rest of the world resists the President’s demand to “shape up,” and the administration therefore feels obliged to make good on Dump’s threat and withdraw the country from the world.

Where will we dump our unsalable stuff? Where will we get cheap resources?” asked one businessman, who donated substantially to Dump’s 2016 election campaign.

Even some inside the administration share similar fears, said one necessarily anonymous official: “If we withdraw from the world, how can we justify the Mexican border wall?”

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Administration plan to reduce wildfires

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Ronald Dump Administration’s chief environmental protector has announced a plan to sharply curtail the numerous wildfires laying waste to forests in much of the western United States.

Inferior Secretary Rhizome Blinky is widely regarded within the Administration as the most outstanding holder of that office since Ronald Reagan appointed Jimmy Swat as his first Inferior Secretary. Swat was noted for his expressed desire to protect the country’s natural environment until the year 2000, when the Second Coming would put an end to such worries.

Following on from President Dump’s tweet blaming California wildfires on Hispanic migrants who had drunk up all of the state’s lakes, Rhizome Blinky has taken to both radio and print to argue that environmentalists are also to blame.

This is not a debate about climate change,” Blinky said, “because officials in this Administration are not allowed to use that phrase. It is about environmentalists pretending to protect trees.

But if you look at those wildfires, what is it that you see burning? Trees! Lots of trees! A hugely lot of trees! And if those trees weren’t there, would they be burning? No, they would not! So if environmentalists hadn’t prevented us from cutting those trees, they wouldn’t be burned.”

It follows, Blinky continued, that removing trees would “do away with wildfires, or at least the part of them that depends on trees. But if we have to, we can also take out the grass and shrubs.”

According to Blinky, “Clearcutting will make American wilderness great again, because it will be safe from fire. Also, it will mean that hunters will be in less danger of getting lost, or of shooting each other because trees block their vision.”

While the Blinky Plan has been endorsed by the President, the National Weapons Association, and ALEC (the Croc Brothers-funded American Lunacy Expansion Conspiracy), some Washington insiders think it faces a major obstacle. They say that President Dump has noted that the plan has caused Blinky’s name to be mentioned nearly as often as his own on some Pox News broadcasts.

Posted in ALEC, environmentalists, wildfires | Leave a comment

Mexico to study role in US refugee disaster

MEXICO CITY, 2 August 2030 (Rooters Agency) – The government of President Gómez will be establishing a commission to conduct a wide-ranging investigation into any failures or oversights on the Mexican side that may have contributed to the recent massive loss of life by North American refugees fleeing the colossal volcanic explosion and lava flow that wiped out large parts of the south-central United States.

As is well known, tens of thousands of ordinary residents of northern Mexico rushed to join police and military units that were helping the fleeing US refugees to swim, float or paddle makeshift rafts across the Rio Grande.

But along the land border, the Dump Border Wall, built early in President Ronald Dump’s third administration, proved too great an obstacle; thousands of the refugees perished, their bodies jammed up against the Wall, or as they fled east or west, vainly seeking a route around the Wall.

The Mexican relief agencies and authorities who tried to dismantle the Wall or open a passage through it had to retreat as they were fired on by the US agency ICE (Instant Cruelty Enforcement).

Nevertheless, President Gómez’s advisors have made it clear that the investigation will deal only with Mexican agencies, and will not consider the actions of any US authorities. While this restriction may make it difficult to consider all the factors in what went wrong, it is considered diplomatically necessary after President Dump, speaking from the 16th green of the golf course at his Florida resort Mainly Loco, denounced reports of the eruption as “fake news.”

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Study confirms ‘fake news’ charge

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Independent research has confirmed that US media are printing or broadcasting a large amount of fake news about the administration of President Ronald Dump.

The President recently declared that “90% of media coverage of my administration is negative”. This has been confirmed by a study undertaken by the News Research Center, which found that 91% of coverage of the administration is negative.

Commenting on the study, Rich News of the NRC pointed out, “This means that 9-10% of reporting on the Dump administration is favorable, or at least not critical. So about one-tenth of the political coverage Americans consume is pure bullshit.”

The actual percentage of fake news could be even higher than indicated in the research, News explained, because the NRC study had not included Pox News. “If we had included Pox, that would have raised the national average of fake news from 9% to well over half.

However, in our media studies we normally place Pox, not in news, but in fantasy and science fiction.”

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Fifth figure at Helsinki summit

WASHINGTON (A Rooters agency exclusive) – The world was told that US President Ronald Dump and Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky met in their Helsinki summit with only one Russian and one US translator present. But Rooters has learned that a fifth person joined the meeting only a few minutes after it began.

The background to the unreported fifth person is that White House advisors, worried by what Dump might say spontaneously in the meeting, persuaded him to use a compilation of his oral remarks and tweets about Russia since his election. The compilation was written out for President Dump to read at the summit, in the hope that he would not wander too far from the script.

However, Dump had gone through only part of the remarks when Buttinsky’s translator asked for a clarification: “Is he speaking English? If so, is he threatening war or threatening surrender? What is the meaning of what he said?”

Dump’s translator replied, “I think it means we’re going to build a wall on the Mexican border. Does Russia have a border with Mexico?”

At this point, it was decided to bring in a third translator – one who could translate Dumpspeak into English. The summit meeting was then able to proceed.

Little is known about the identity of this extra translator. However, it is widely believed that she or he may have come from another galaxy.

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