Government: Fears for Empire are ‘balderdash’

Rome, 22 Augustus 454 – There is no cause for alarm in the current world situation, according to Imperial Spokesman Plentius Fabricus. The barbarian raiders harassing our borders are a nuisance, but not a serious threat to the Empire, Fabricus declared.

Claims that the Empire is unsound are “balderdash,” Fabricus said. “Just over three years ago, our valiant legions defeated the impudent invasion by Attila and his terrorists.

“Attila, we have recently learned, is now dead, and there is no serious possibility of any of the other Germanic tribes producing a leader who could pose a comparable threat to our rule.”

The Imperial Spokesman was disparaging of the news media, which he said seemed to thrive on pessimism. There was no real threat to the Empire for the next CCC or even D years.

“What the pessimists don’t realize,” Fabricus concluded, “is that the Roman Empire is just too big to fail.”

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President: Rally ‘biggest ever’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has denied that his campaign rally in Tulsa had failed to live up to his advance description, which said: “The event in Oklahoma is unbelievable. The crowds are unbelievable. They haven’t seen anything like it.” Also before the rally, the President said, “We’ve never had an empty seat at my rallies. And we certainly won’t in Oklahoma.”

Photographs of the rally appeared to show only around half of the arena’s 19,000 seats occupied. But these were “FAKE NEWS pictures,” the President tweeted. “Just like the fake photos of my Great Ingraution pretended it wasn’t the biggest since Abraham Lincoln. Abe told me himself.”

The Tulsa rally, the President continued, “was the biggest political rally ever held in the middle of a hoax pandemic. Much Bigger than reported in the FAKE NEWS. It shows I am supported by the Silent Majority AND the Invisible Majority.”

A week before the rally, the manager of President Dump’s election campaign, Bland Parsnip, claimed that the campaign had received requests for “more than a million tickets” to the rally.

Rooters was unable to contact Mr. Parsnip to ask about the apparent discrepancy. However, the White House press secretary, Klueless McNinny, explained to reporters: “Some millions are smaller than other millions. That’s a definite alternative fact.”

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Secretary of State praises ‘smooth transition’ to second term*

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Dick Pompous today spoke proudly of “the incredibly smooth transition” to President Dump’s second term, which begins next week.

“We thought the Democrats might make a fuss,” Pompous said, “but after the Supine Corpse rulings overturning their election frauds, everything has gone quite well.”

The Secretary of State went on to praise Attorney General Willie Wagtail for his “brilliant arguments” before the Supine Corpse, which led to the ruling that further frauds against the will of the American people could be prevented only by ruling that Ronald Dump was now President for Life.

“Since that ruling, the Attorney General has also ensured public calm and stability by jailing and sometimes prosecuting any and all antifa terrorists who have tried to disrupt it. America can now look forward to a prolonged period of economic prosperity and good health.” (The last remark was apparently a reference to the former Covid-19 pandemic, new cases having rapidly declined to zero after President Dump banned testing for it.

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* Dear Rooters subscriber: If you have received this report, please ignore it. It is obviously nonsense and was not intended for general circulation. Rather, at the request of President-elect Joe Notrump, Rooters prepared it to send to the White House in the hopes that it might pacify outgoing President Ronald Dump and thus dissuade him from causing too much damage during his last days in office.

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Small bump on President-elect’s road to national unity

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Looking ahead to his goal of uniting a divided nation, President-elect Joe Notrump has begun assembling a team of experts, given the name Team Unity, to propose specific actions that might help. However, no one involved in the presidential transition has been willing to accept responsibility for the inclusion in the expert group of Xavier Quank, an unorthodox economist from the University of North West South Dakota.

Professor Quank did not wait for the entire Team Unity to be assembled before he submitted a discussion paper containing proposals, several of which could be embarrassing to the new administration.

After pointing out that “one of the greatest divides” in the United States today is inequality of wealth, Quank suggested that the country’s total wealth – approximately $106 trillion – could be divided among the current population of 328 million, leaving every American “united with a comfortable and equal $323,000.” Or, if it was thought that children would be unable to handle such wealth wisely, the distribution could be limited to adults, each of whom would then be allotted $432,000.

Professor Quank further argued that such an equalization of wealth would also make it easy to eliminate divisions based on income, allowing the establishment of national unity on the basis of an annual income of $63,000 per capita, or about $84,000 per adult. He added that these figures might rise, as national GDP could be expected to increase if inactive individuals currently holding excessive wealth felt impelled to engage in productive activity.

Insiders in the presidential team say the Quank’s proposals, while unhelpful in the transition to the Notrump administration, should not cause major disruptions. “If there’s any widespread support for these crackpot ideas, we’ll just point out the judicial obstacles: the Supine Corpse would never allow anything like that.”

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President says he will reveal vote fraud evidence

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has said he has “mountains of evidence of vote cheating by Democrats and Fake News media” in the course of the presidential election. Therefore, he expects the courts to confirm that he has been re-elected for a second term.

Asked to specify and reveal his evidence of vote fraud, the President stated, “Unfortunately, I can’t do that now because the evidence is being audited – by lawyers and other experts.”

Once the audit of the evidence is completed, he promised, “I will reveal it all and you will be stunned.”

Questioned as to when he expected the audit to be completed, he replied, “I think it will be fairly early in my second term. Maybe around the same time as the audit of my tax returns.

“But the voters don’t really care about that stuff. That’s why I won the elections so easily.”

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‘Blessing’ creates misunderstanding

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The State Department has been overwhelmed by diplomatic sympathy messages from around the world, all based on a misunderstanding.

Unfortunately, an ambiguous network news release (not by Rooters), quoting President Ronald Dump’s statement that his contracting of Covid-19 was an unexpected “blessing”, was headlined: “President Dump’s Covid: ‘a blessing from God’.”

This caused numerous foreign ministries to respond hastily, without carefully reading the text beneath the headline, and to leap to a false conclusion. Immediately, the State Department began receiving what became hundreds of messages of “Condolences on the tragic demise of President Dump.”

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Presidential Covid-19 ‘must be fake news’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Reports that President Ronald Dump and the First Lady Melancholia have been diagnosed with Covid-19 have been denounced by several of the President’s supporters.

One of the first was Special Presidential Investigator Rudely Juicy, who interrupted his enhanced interrogation of a Ukrainian former prosecutor to point out: “It can’t be true. The President has been taking hydroxychloroquine regularly, so we know he’s completely protected.”

Maine Republican Senator Doozy Complex added: “I am concerned. Again. And not for the first time. We don’t know if the First Lady has also been taking hydroxychloroquine. She might be in danger of contracting the disease from the President, who doesn’t have it.”

Rooters also asked for a comment from Dump’s choice to fill the vacancy on the Supine Corpse. Judge Angelica Cunning Rabbit said: “I couldn’t say anything about an issue that might come up before the Corpse. But we all know that the government has no legitimate involvement of any kind with medicine, so I can say that the President’s health is not nearly as important as whether any woman involved with the production of his hydroxychloroquine has ever had an abortion.”

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