Government vanishes into flying saucer

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Flying saucers from the Galactic Center today removed President Dump and large parts of the government of the United States. The aliens issued a statement of explanation:

We apologize to the inhabitants of this planet, and especially to those in the part known as the United States, for our misguided experiment.

Having observed your planet for several decades, our robotic probes proposed that we assist the solution of your problems by inserting a number of fake human beings into the White House, Congress, and judicial system.

It was our view and hope that the misbehavior of these fake human beings would provoke broad popular revulsion that would lead to serious attempts to solve the problems that your species seems to like to inflict on itself and those around it.

Unfortunately, this has not been the result; the provocations have been allowed to continue and appear to becoming more acceptable. We are therefore removing the fake human beings that infested your government before they cause further harm.

Experiments are like that. If you were certain how they would turn out, there would be no need to conduct them. But we apologize for the disruption we have caused and promise that we will not interfere again. It’s up to you now.

Signed: Galactic Center.

P.S. It’s not true that the dolphins are ours. You’ll have to look out for them.”

[Editor’s note: Rooters regrets having to acknowledge that the above dispatch is fake news. We have never done this before, but our reporters were getting so depressed by reality that we let them make up good news just once.]

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White House economist on way out?

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Heads – and tongues – are wagging in the nation’s capital regarding the President’s top economic advisor: “Did he really say that?” “It’s unheard of!” “What could he have been thinking?”

After the faux pas committed by Popeye Nobetter, whose official title is Director of the White House’s No Trade Council, it is widely expected that Nobetter’s days are numbered, probably in single digits.

Nobetter first caught public attention following President Ronald Dump’s conquest of the G7 in Ottawa. The economist’s abuse of Canadian Prime Minister Justly Trueheart, which he said reflected the views, if not the precise words, of President Ronald Dump, was widely applauded in the US, from Dogpatch to Backwater.

And then, for unknown reasons, Nobetter apologized.

The entire Administration almost came to a complete, shuddering, stop. “Apologize?!” spluttered more than a few high officials. “This Administration has never apologized for anything – that would suggest we had done something wrong!”

President Dump himself tried to limit the damage, firing off several tweets against Trueheart which made it clear that he had no connection with Nobetter’s apology.

But the harm had been done. The President’s plan for an entry in the Guinness Book of Records for an apology-free Administration had been ruined. Clearly, Nobetter will have to pay the price of his mistake.

But maybe, as a White House insider has hinted, things can be salvaged once Nobetter is gone if the President declares that the apology was fake news.

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President delighted by Singapore ‘propaganda victory’

SINGAPORE (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump and his officials are reportedly ecstatic at their “propaganda success” in the summit meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jung-il Jim.

The US officials point to the symbolism of the interspersed US and North Korean flags and the willingness of Kim to be photographed shaking hands with the President. The symbolism was greatly enhanced when the two dictators exchanged autographs on the menu from their joint lunch.

The message to the world, US officials say, is clear: North Korea is willing to deal with the Dump administration as a legitimate negotiating partner, despite the latter’s consistent record of violating agreements, often for no apparent reason other than whim. This is particularly valuable to President Dump following a degree of bad publicity following his 27-second endorsement of the recent G7 communique.

It is less clear how Kim’s generosity would go down with North Korean public opinion, if such a thing were permitted to exist.

One other big unknown is what concessions Kim may have extracted in exchange for his propaganda gift to Dump. Human rights activists have expressed cautious hopes that Kim might request an improvement in US treatment of racial and religious minorities, but not many of them are holding their breath.

It has also been rumored that Kim was angling for Dump to introduce him to Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky.

Several political observers, noting the Kim family’s reported entertainment preferences, have suggested that Kim may have scored an invitation to visit Disneyland. Others think a visit to the White House is more likely. A third option, combining most aspects of the other two, would be a visit to the Dump golf resort, Mainly Loco.

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Why President forgot the lyrics

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – White House insiders have explained the reason for President Ronald Dump’s apparent inability to remember the words of “God Bless America” during a public ceremony held to condemn the Philadelphia Eagles NFL team for lèse-majesté.

Rooters can reveal exclusively that the executive branch, with the President’s hands-on guidance, has been revising the lyrics of “God Bless America,” believing that an updating of the words is overdue.

So, when the song was played at the Eagles two minutes hate ceremony, President Dump must have suffered a temporary mental block caused by confusion between the old and new lyrics, and that is why he stopped singing. It should be noted that the new version of the song is three times the length of the original, which would have added to his indecision about which words to sing.

While the new words of the song are still a work in progress and there may be further changes, Rooters has received a copy of the revision as it currently stands. The President’s personal involvement is evident from the many misspellings in the text, which is reproduced below (Rooters has corrected the misspellings):

God bless my bigotry
Hate that I love
Stand beside me
And guide me
As I give other races the shove.

From the klaverns
To the prisons
To the shootings’
Bloody foam
God bless my police force
My guard, my home.

Save me from immigrants
Muslims as well
Build a wall quick
Use a big stick
Beat the Yids and their kids back to hell.

From the Breitbart
To the Fox News
To the alt-right
Mouthing foam
God bless my media
My guard, my home.

Stop all the feminists’
Views that I fear
Deep inside me
Want to hide me
From hearing what I don’t want to hear.

From the ALEC
To the Congress
To Supreme Court’s
Legal tomes
God bless my lawyers
My guard, my home.

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First Lady reappears, but Presidential mysteries still unsolved

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The public reappearance of the President’s wife, Vanilla Dump, has quieted only a small part of the country’s concern with people or things that have gone missing.

One ongoing question since the 2016 election concerns the 4 or 5 million illegal immigrants who voted against President Ronald Dump in order to deny him his deserved victory in the popular vote: where have they been hiding for the last year and a half?

A much bigger mystery is what has happened to the President’s brain. As is obvious from his daily tweets and oral statements, his descriptions of letters he hasn’t opened, and all the rest, Ronald Dump’s brain has gone missing. But where did it go, and when did it depart?

A noted psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous, outlined some of the parameters: “He obviously was born with a brain: that’s why he chose to have a father who was an indulgent millionaire. And it appears that he got through primary school without excessive parental intervention.

High school isn’t quite so clear. Still, while he wasn’t the university whiz that he claims to have been, he was able to find his way to classes, at least most of the time. That requires a brain, even if not an outstanding one.”

This suggests that Dump’s brain decided to leave him some time between his completion of university and the launch of his campaign for the presidency.

It is generally agreed that, provided one had the right connections, a brain was not needed to make money in the New York-New Jersey-Mafia property market during the time when Ronald Dump finally managed to increase the money his father had given him. But of course that doesn’t prove that his brain had already departed; it might have just been sitting around getting bored.

Some observers say that it is clear that Dump’s brain departed before the launch of his unreal TV show, Subordinate Appendix. Doubters of that view counter that much the same could easily be said about performers on nearly every US television program.

Just as there are varying views on when the brain left, there is no agreement on where it went initially. But while there are several different theories on where the brain has been (conditioned by the view as to when it left), most political observers here believe that it is now being held for ransom somewhere in Russia.

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White House: No need to worry about North Korea deal

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Donald Trump is reported to have dismissed fears of some Republican politicians that he will strike a bad bargain with North Korean leader Kim Jung-il Jim when the two meet in Singapore.

Republican Senate leader Mulch McCoal is now on record as saying that the President should not be too eager to reach a deal. “If you fall in love with a deal, and it’s too important for you to get it, and the details become less significant, you could get snookered, especially if you’re a demented bully whose main concern is having people praise you on Twitter,” the Senator said.

However, White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders told reporters, “The President took up the matter at this morning’s Cabinet meeting, in response to a question from Jaded Kumquat. The President pointed out that, if an agreement looks bad for the United States, he will just cancel it – especially if the other side has already fulfilled its obligations.

As the President said, ‘Think of Iran. Think of Libya.’”

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Foiled shooting inspires Presidential plan

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “We have evidence now and are going to act on it. BIGLY,” President Ronald Dump tweeted after the latest school shooting.

The President was apparently referring to the incident in Indiana, where a student entered a classroom carrying a pistol and began firing at other students. He was disarmed by a brave and quick-thinking teacher, who threw a basketball at the shooter and then knocked the gun from his hand.

Summoning leaders of the Senate and House of Representatives, President Dump told them that he wanted them immediately to pass a “huge bill” requiring the urgent distribution of basketballs to all of the nation’s teachers.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders later told reporters that the President “thinks that events have shown clearly, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good person with a basketball.”

Slanders added that that Republicans in Congress would promote the proposed legislation with the slogan, “Guns don’t kill people. The absence of basketballs kills people.”

However, some of the President’s supporters expressed doubts about the plan or its motivation. Barry Bogus III, president of the National Weapons Association, said, “I’m surprised that Ronald Dump would fall for what looks to me like fake news.”

On the other hand, Bogus added, “Perhaps it’s a clever ploy. Basketballs are hollow. They could have a gun or explosives inside.”

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