US President comments on South Africa

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “See! It shows I was right! It proves African countries are shithouses.” According to White House insiders, these words were the response of President Ronald Dump to the news that South Africa’s President had been forced to resign over a series of corruption scandals.

In a meeting called to warn staff that anyone who leaked information about the number of cheeseburgers consumed in the White House would be jailed for decades under the 1917 Espionage Act, President Dump is said to have departed from his prepared remarks to express his dismay about the South African events.

“His own party!” the President said in stunned tones. “His own party turned against him, and over what? A few millions spent on improving his property’s security against terrorism or falling meteorites. What’s wrong with that? I spend more than that just going for the weekend to my Mainly Loco resort.”

The President, waxing philosophical, then suggested that Africans were incapable of judging corruption issues and showing loyalty in the way Americans do. “I doubled the room rates at my resorts and hotels as soon as I was elected. If I’d done it in South Africa, I’d probably be in trouble, even with my own party. But here, nobody in my party has objected. They understand that’s not corruption. That’s just good business practice.”

“Imagine what would become of America if we ran it like that South African shithouse!”

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White House declares support for women

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The White House today unequivocally declared President Ronald Dump’s support for women victims of domestic violence.

Press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders said that “the President’s complete sympathy and support go out to those women who have suffered abuse or violence from their partners. If there are any.”

Violence within the home was anathema to the President, Slanders continued. “He believes that violent behavior should always be directed outside the home, towards those who menace our police and don’t respect our flag or demonstrate against the President and things like that.”

Another target for violence that the President considers preferable to wives, Slanders added, is “unfriendly countries, the really hostile ones that won’t do what they’re told.” The President had noticed that many of these countries had acquired, or were attempting to acquire, weapons with which they could harm our armed forces if they came within range of those countries while helping to straighten them out. So it might be necessary to act before those countries became even more dangerous.

A further clarification came from chief of staff General (ret.) Long John Emptybarrel, whom reporters were surprised to find still wandering the White House corridors. Asked by reporters why he often seemed to be defending spousal abusers right up until the moment of their resignation, Emptybarrel said that both he and President Dump sometimes found it difficult to discover what White House staff were really doing – for example, if National Surveillance Administration transcripts of emails or drone audiovisual recordings hadn’t been processed quickly enough.

In such circumstances, the President had to consider the possibility that what appeared to be vicious violence against a wife might really only be the White House staffer in question practicing to help the President carry out his foreign policy.

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White House chief of staff on the ropes

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump’s vocal endorsement of Long John Emptybarrel has convinced political observers that the White House chief of staff is on his way out.

Speaking on behalf of the President, counselor Kelly Anna Conda said that Dump has “full faith” in his chief of staff. “The president says General Emptybarrel is doing a great job,” she said.

And, just in case anyone had missed this kiss of death, Conda added that the President was “not actively searching for replacements” for Emptybarrel – the key word “actively” meant to tell would-be replacements that they should send in their CVs now, without waiting to be asked.

The President is believed to be annoyed that Emptybarrel did not do enough to defend White House staff secretary Bob Protem when the latter was accused of domestic violence by both of his former wives.

Administration insiders who requested anonymity said that President Dump was heard to complain, “I thought Republicans were in favor of tough love. Next they’ll be saying that groping is illegal. Whatever happened to romance, like in the movies? – You know, Sleeping with Gropers and Once Were Bashers.

Publicly, the President complained about a lack of “due process” in regard to Protem. White House legislative director Marcus Brutus said that Dump’s views on this question were “shaped by a lot of false accusations against him in the past.” This referred to a large number of accusations of past sexual misconduct against the President. None of these alleged incidents, as Dump has repeatedly pointed out, were captured on film.

The words about “false accusations” may also refer to the 2016 election campaign, when Dump’s opponent, Hermione N. Clement, threatened to jail Dump if she was elected and frequently led campaign rallies in chanting: “Lock him up!”

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Capital considers how to rid itself of President

NUTSVILLE (Rooters agency) – This capital is in increasing turmoil as public opinion and more and more politically influential organizations and individuals turn against the President, while President Walnut and his supporters lash out against, not only their critics, but also each other.

A new book quotes exiled former Presidential advisor and official genius Balding Butternut as saying that the White House was “a snake pit” in which “the worst snakes always get inside the ear of the President, gnaw their way inside the skull, and then find there’s nothing to eat there.”

Butternut is reported to have been forced out by the President’s chief of staff, Long John Cashew, although Butternut is also known to have quarreled frequently with the President’s daughter Almond and her husband Jaded Kumquat.

Having obtained big cuts in the taxes they don’t pay anyway, influential citizens are now coming around to the idea that the country no longer needs a President incapable of thinking about anything except himself.

Conversely, he doesn’t have to be President in order to continue thinking about himself that he is the most wonderful thing to have happened since he created the world. Therefore, it has been suggested that President Walnut might be removed from office but not told. He might even be provided with a “Presidential Office” borrowed from a Hollywood set, and it would be easy to create a sufficiently large number of fake tweets referring to him as the President.

If President Walnut were to be removed by an impeachment trial or his signing of a resignation letter that had accidentally been placed in a stack of routine forms requiring his signature, the presidency would pass to Vice President Pecan.

Rooters sought out the Vice President to ask his views about the possibility of becoming President. We found him in a small, romantic candlelit cafeteria. He was having dinner with another Pecan because, as he explained, dining with a Pistachio or Pine Nut might cause him to have lascivious thoughts.

If there were a transition from Walnut to Pecan, we asked, would this bring about any significant changes in administration policies – domestic or foreign?

No major changes,” the Vice President replied. “Remember, I’m just as nutty as he is. And proud of it.”

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Washington awaits French President

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The White House confirmed today that French President Imminent Macro has been invited to make a state visit to the United States.

President Ronald Dump issued the invitation, according to Rooters’ sources, after being alerted to the fact that he was the first President since Calvin Coolidge to go through his first year in office without finding some foreign leader to invite for a state visit.

Coolidge’s reluctance to issue such an invitation was probably due to the idea that diplomatic festivities were inappropriate so soon after Coolidge succeeded to the Presidency following the death of President Warren Somebody.

Presidential press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders last week denied reports that President Dump’s apparent slowness in issuing an invitation to the head of a major power was due to his waiting for a response to the invitation he had extended to the President of the Virgin Islands.

It is expected that the visit will include a state dinner, which will be held in the Washington hotel Dump’s Dump, rather than the White House, because the White House chef “doesn’t know how to make McDonald’s-style hamburgers,” Slanders explained.

However, the highlight of the visit is expected to be an arm-wrestling competition between the two Presidents.

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Colleagues unanimous in not criticizing President

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Today a White House guard became the 4,000th close observer of President Ronald Dump to deny that he had ever criticized anything about the President.

The guard, Hambone Muckwater Jr, contradicted a report in the Washington Pillar that said Muckwater once had to help the President tie his shoelaces because the President “couldn’t remember if it was left over right or right over left, but right over left is how it ought to be.”

Contacted by reporters about the reported remark, Muckwater responded, “You all know President Dump can’t make a sentence as long and complicated as that.”

Muckwater is described on the White House Mugbook page as having been employed as a guard by “every President since the Frederick Douglass Administration.” A footnote added after the publication of the remark denied by Muckwater said: “He didn’t ever do anything important for anyone, I never met him, and I always wear sandals.”

With his denial of the reported criticism, Muckwater joins a long line of close political, business, and personal collaborators of Ronald Dump who have denied describing him with terms that cause most of the human race to respond, “Well, duh.”

However, there have been some disagreements among previous non-critics about what they didn’t say about the President. For example, Secretary of State Rexxon Pillager has sort of denied calling President Dump a “moron.” National Security Advisor H.R. Disaster denies calling him an “idiot.”

For a time, “moron” appeared to be winning out over “idiot” as the term that President Dump’s colleagues denied calling him. However, “idiot” recently gained denial traction when media magnet Robert Muckedup denied having called him that.

Some observers, mainly the especially cynical ones, have suggested that the Pillager-Disaster/Muckedup dispute is a red herring designed to distract attention from the denial by one of Trump’s former wives that she had called him a rapist.

However, many other observers here expect an escalation of denials. Some say that persons close to the president may soon deny calling him “bird brain,” “fascist,” “homicidal maniac,” “Dad in law,” and similar terms.

A source in the office of Vice President Mickey Tuppence denied that Tuppence has denied calling President Dump “sir.”

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