State Department overwhelmed by visa submissions

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In recent weeks, insiders report, the State Department has been “absolutely swamped” by submissions from officials of foreign governments setting out the reasons they believe they should be banned from receiving US visas.

“I am not involved in my Government’s Hong Kong policy,” reads a fairly typical submission, “but I am definitely in favor of cracking down on HK’s autonomy and democratic rights. I advocate this even when I’m not asked.”

“I keep a list of countries sanctioned by America on my desk, even though it takes up most of my work space,” reads another. “Whenever we need to purchase something for my office, I tell my people to buy from countries on the list. I tell my wife the same thing about shopping for our home.”

“If I were in the United States for any reason,” wrote another, a middle-ranking official of an important European ally of the US, “I would definitely spend nearly all my time buying oil and other useful things to send to North Korea.”

The State Department insiders say that these and “scores or hundreds” of similar submissions have been received more or less in time with the world-leading increase in the number of new Covid-19 cases in the United States.

“You can understand it easily,” said one of the insiders. “Ordinary citizens of other countries can make the sensible decision to protect their lives by not coming here. But government officials can be ordered by their superiors to come to the US for this or that diplomatic task. It’s often seen as not much different from a death sentence – and who can blame them for thinking that?

“In a number of countries, it’s thought that US assignments are being inflicted on rising politicians whose ambitions are considered a threat to their immediate superiors.”

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President challenges ‘unfair’ dead

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has said he is being unfairly targeted by “dead Democrats” who are manipulating statistics in an effort to discredit him.

The President tweeted the idea he had spoken of at his Tulsa rally, that too much testing made the Covid-19 pandemic in the US appear to be worse than in other countries that had not conducted as many tests: “I said SLOW THE TESTS because it makes us look bad and the election.”

But another problem, he wrote, is “dead people. They get tested right away to see if they’re dead they don’t wait properly in line.”

White House press secretary Klueless McNinny explained that the President believed that some countries (which would be identified if they annoyed the President) took excessive amounts of time to report mortalities due to Covid-19. This allowed the fake news media to portray the United States as less in control of the pandemic than those countries, which were probably hiding the corpses in abandoned coal mines, under the bed, and in temporarily unused means of transport such as airplanes, buses, and trains.

Speaking to its inhabitants in the White House Toad Garden, President Dump said, “The ultra communist Muslim Dems hate me so much, some of them are dying on purpose just to make my figures look bad.”

He asked “all Americans, of any species, to give me a fair go. Don’t aid the Dems’ fake statistics by dying before my re-election.”

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President: Rally ‘biggest ever’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has denied that his campaign rally in Tulsa had failed to live up to his advance description, which said: “The event in Oklahoma is unbelievable. The crowds are unbelievable. They haven’t seen anything like it.” Also before the rally, the President said, “We’ve never had an empty seat at my rallies. And we certainly won’t in Oklahoma.”

Photographs of the rally appeared to show only around half of the arena’s 19,000 seats occupied. But these were “FAKE NEWS pictures,” the President tweeted. “Just like the fake photos of my Great Ingraution pretended it wasn’t the biggest since Abraham Lincoln. Abe told me himself.”

The Tulsa rally, the President continued, “was the biggest political rally ever held in the middle of a hoax pandemic. Much Bigger than reported in the FAKE NEWS. It shows I am supported by the Silent Majority AND the Invisible Majority.”

A week before the rally, the manager of President Dump’s election campaign, Bland Parsnip, claimed that the campaign had received requests for “more than a million tickets” to the rally.

Rooters was unable to contact Mr. Parsnip to ask about the apparent discrepancy. However, the White House press secretary, Klueless McNinny, explained to reporters: “Some millions are smaller than other millions. That’s a definite alternative fact.”

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Scientists investigate Rotten Apple Thesis

[Rooters agency analysis] – “One rotten apple spoils the barrel” is a longstanding and well-known proverb in the United States. Applied to institutions, it suggests that a “rotten” – corrupt or abusive – individual, upon discovery, needs to be expelled in order to prevent the entire institution from becoming rotten.

As the result of a computer malfunction at the scientific institution concerned, Rooters has recently obtained exclusive access to the preliminary results of an investigation of the Rotten Apple Thesis as applied to police in the United States. The institution, which Rooters has decided not to name, points out that the draft paper on the results of its study is yet to undergo peer review. With those caveats, Rooters believes that the study’s initial results deserve to be shared with the American public.

The draft report notes that police officers who are found to have abused, seriously injured, or even killed ordinary citizens are usually described as “a rotten apple.” The researchers therefore sought to investigate how the removal of such “apples” affected the remainder of the police force concerned.

Unfortunately, the research very early met an unexpected obstacle. As one of the quoted researchers explained: “We found it’s not the lone apple, or even the barrel that’s rotten; it’s the whole f***ing orchard.”

This did not mean that all police officers were rotten, the report notes, but merely that the healthful apples were a decided minority.

So it is possible that the researchers may shift their focus to a different, if related, question: Can one or a few clean apples purify a rotten orchard? But, as the report admits, there is no evidence that horticulture, biology, or anything else works that way.

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President to continue religious pilgrimages

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After visiting an Episcopalian church and a Roman Catholic shrine in recent days, President Ronald Dump today said he intends to continue making pilgrimages to various religious sites.

Speaking to reporters in the White House Toad Garden, the President said he intends to visit both a synagogue and a mosque, “because my advisors say I should be excommentical.”

Shortly thereafter, White House press secretary Klueless McNinny said that the President’s additional “deeply religious” pilgrimages would be preceded by tear gas, flash grenades, and mounted police “to show that this administration is broad church and to clear out any Jews or Muslims who might get in the way of the photographers.” However, McNinny said there were “no plans at this time” for the President to visit “a Mexican rapist church.”

On another topic, the President told the same gathering that he had visited the White House underground “bunker” several days earlier, not to hide from possible attacks, but to “inspect it and make sure it was broad churchy but Christian first.” He added that his visit to the bunker had occurred during the day, not at night, as had been reported: “You wouldn’t want to go there at night. It’s too dark and scary.”

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DNC announces new Presidential candidate

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After weeks of dissension within the party regarding its Presidential candidate, the Democratic National Cabal (DNC) today announced a compromise new candidate.

The original presumptive nominee, Bogus Blending, was sent an email telling him that the 2020 election had been held and he had lost, but that he could continue to use the title “Vice President.” From a basement somewhere in a small city in a small state, he replied: “It’s beEn an honor %#@ how do yoU make this tHIng go/”

The party’s new candidate, Jo(e) Carrot, has none of the characteristics that had caused controversy in regard to Mr Blending, the DNC declared. Carrot has not previously held either elected or appointed office and therefore “has never cast a vote in favor of or against anything nasty or reactionary or progressive, and so hasn’t offended anyone (we hope).”

Furthermore, as indicated by the name, Jo(e) Carrot is a carrot. This guarantees an intelligence level greatly superior to that of the incumbent President Ronald Dump. Equally important, it means that Carrot is unlikely to have sexually assaulted any human being – ever, anywhere.

(An anonymous source in the DNC reports that there is internal discussion of the possibility that a record of sexual assault may be a vote-winner in crucial electorates. In case that view prevails, a subcommittee is preparing a list of possible accusations, focused on broccoli, to be leaked at an appropriate time.)

However, the DNC is reported to be not 100 percent confident of the campaign slogan, “Go for Jo(e)!” While the gender neutrality of a carrot, emphasized by the ambiguity of the candidate’s name, is considered a likely winner with LGBQTI voters, there are fears that it may alienate the Evangelical Christian vote. The matter will be determined by future polls, but Jo(e) Carrot has already agreed to be identified as “Joe Carrot” if the experts so advise.

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White House: No details on ‘warriors’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has described health workers dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic as “warriors.”

Speaking during a campaign rally imposed on workers at a medical equipment center in Pennsylvania, the President said: “They’re running into death just like soldiers run into bullets, in a true sense. I see that with the doctors and the nurses and so many other people. They go into those hospitals, it’s incredible to see. It’s a beautiful thing to see. But I really call them ‘warriors.’ We’re all warriors; everyone in our country is a warrior.”

In response to a later question from Rooters, White House Press Secretary Klueless McNinny said, “No, we don’t think any of those health workers have bone spurs. Why do you ask?”

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President details charges against his predecessor

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “You know what the crime is. It’s obvious even in the FAKE NEWS media which is all of them and they’re covering up the crime.” With these words, President Ronald Dump tweeted his accusations against his predecessor, President Barack Africa.

“It’s the bigliest worstliest crimeliest crime in history,” President Dump went on to declare during a public sneezing with Boy and Girl Scouts in the White House Toad Garden. “It’s Africagate. Why doesn’t the Fake Media report it? It began even before I was elected, even before my first bankruptcy. Being treated like this is worse than being assassinated, ask Abraham Lincoln, you might not know he was a Republican too, just like me.”

“What exactly is the cha …?” a journalist asked before he was accidentally cut off by a 240 pound Boy Scout coughing in his face.

“That’s a nasty question,” President Dump replied. Later, however, he tweeted: “Fake President Africa is guilty of LEGS MAGICALLY.”

Shortly after the President’s tweet became public, Attorney General Willie Wagtail announced that the Department of Justice had decided to charge former President Africa with covfefe.

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President announces cure for Covid-19

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today announced that “many, many, many scientists” have discovered a cure for the disease caused by the Covid-19 virus.

“It’s simple,” the President said. “You take some salt, a pinch, in your right hand, and you throw it over your left shoulder. Very easy. End of problem. Everybody can go back to work. Do it now.”

Who were the scientists that discovered this, a journalist asked.

“Fake news no ratings Democrat communist nonsense,” the President replied in one of his more restrained responses at the day’s press conference.

“Brilliant, Mr President, Sir,” said Vice President Mickey Tuppence, the head of the White House Coronavirus Taskfarce, even before the President’s explanation had gone past the word “pinch.”

In its reporting, Pox News said that “Possible Salt Cure Breakthrough” would be investigated by government scientists, who didn’t have anything else to do. And anyway, it added, quoting the President, “What do you have to lose?”

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