DNC announces new Presidential candidate

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After weeks of dissension within the party regarding its Presidential candidate, the Democratic National Cabal (DNC) today announced a compromise new candidate.

The original presumptive nominee, Bogus Blending, was sent an email telling him that the 2020 election had been held and he had lost, but that he could continue to use the title “Vice President.” From a basement somewhere in a small city in a small state, he replied: “It’s beEn an honor %#@ how do yoU make this tHIng go/”

The party’s new candidate, Jo(e) Carrot, has none of the characteristics that had caused controversy in regard to Mr Blending, the DNC declared. Carrot has not previously held either elected or appointed office and therefore “has never cast a vote in favor of or against anything nasty or reactionary or progressive, and so hasn’t offended anyone (we hope).”

Furthermore, as indicated by the name, Jo(e) Carrot is a carrot. This guarantees an intelligence level greatly superior to that of the incumbent President Ronald Dump. Equally important, it means that Carrot is unlikely to have sexually assaulted any human being – ever, anywhere.

(An anonymous source in the DNC reports that there is internal discussion of the possibility that a record of sexual assault may be a vote-winner in crucial electorates. In case that view prevails, a subcommittee is preparing a list of possible accusations, focused on broccoli, to be leaked at an appropriate time.)

However, the DNC is reported to be not 100 percent confident of the campaign slogan, “Go for Jo(e)!” While the gender neutrality of a carrot, emphasized by the ambiguity of the candidate’s name, is considered a likely winner with LGBQTI voters, there are fears that it may alienate the Evangelical Christian vote. The matter will be determined by future polls, but Jo(e) Carrot has already agreed to be identified as “Joe Carrot” if the experts so advise.

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White House: No details on ‘warriors’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has described health workers dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic as “warriors.”

Speaking during a campaign rally imposed on workers at a medical equipment center in Pennsylvania, the President said: “They’re running into death just like soldiers run into bullets, in a true sense. I see that with the doctors and the nurses and so many other people. They go into those hospitals, it’s incredible to see. It’s a beautiful thing to see. But I really call them ‘warriors.’ We’re all warriors; everyone in our country is a warrior.”

In response to a later question from Rooters, White House Press Secretary Klueless McNinny said, “No, we don’t think any of those health workers have bone spurs. Why do you ask?”

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President details charges against his predecessor

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “You know what the crime is. It’s obvious even in the FAKE NEWS media which is all of them and they’re covering up the crime.” With these words, President Ronald Dump tweeted his accusations against his predecessor, President Barack Africa.

“It’s the bigliest worstliest crimeliest crime in history,” President Dump went on to declare during a public sneezing with Boy and Girl Scouts in the White House Toad Garden. “It’s Africagate. Why doesn’t the Fake Media report it? It began even before I was elected, even before my first bankruptcy. Being treated like this is worse than being assassinated, ask Abraham Lincoln, you might not know he was a Republican too, just like me.”

“What exactly is the cha …?” a journalist asked before he was accidentally cut off by a 240 pound Boy Scout coughing in his face.

“That’s a nasty question,” President Dump replied. Later, however, he tweeted: “Fake President Africa is guilty of LEGS MAGICALLY.”

Shortly after the President’s tweet became public, Attorney General Willie Wagtail announced that the Department of Justice had decided to charge former President Africa with covfefe.

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President announces cure for Covid-19

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today announced that “many, many, many scientists” have discovered a cure for the disease caused by the Covid-19 virus.

“It’s simple,” the President said. “You take some salt, a pinch, in your right hand, and you throw it over your left shoulder. Very easy. End of problem. Everybody can go back to work. Do it now.”

Who were the scientists that discovered this, a journalist asked.

“Fake news no ratings Democrat communist nonsense,” the President replied in one of his more restrained responses at the day’s press conference.

“Brilliant, Mr President, Sir,” said Vice President Mickey Tuppence, the head of the White House Coronavirus Taskfarce, even before the President’s explanation had gone past the word “pinch.”

In its reporting, Pox News said that “Possible Salt Cure Breakthrough” would be investigated by government scientists, who didn’t have anything else to do. And anyway, it added, quoting the President, “What do you have to lose?”

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