The strange events after US-North Korea summit

[Excerpted from The Decline and Fall of the Gringo Empire (English translation), by Professor Basta de Pendejadas, Caracas and Kinshasa, 2037.]

Historians have long disagreed about the second strangest event of 2018. But there is virtual unanimity that the strangest event by far was the aftermath of the United States-North Korea summit.

The meeting between US President T. Ronald Dump and North Korean Chairman of Everything Kim Jung-il Jim surprised the world when it was first announced, but the actual encounter between the two leaders was fairly predictable. There was a lot of flexible firmness and firm flexibility on both sides, a number of colorful photo ops, and then agreement to have any further details negotiated between the two sides’ diplomats. (The start of these negotiations was delayed when the US realized it would need to re-employ some diplomats.)

Only long after the two leaders’ simultaneous departures for their respective homes was it learned that security forces of both sides had quickly suppressed all news and especially any visual evidence of the embarrassment of both leaders’ wigs sent flying by a sudden strong gust of wind.

President Dump had scheduled a press conference in Washington for the day following his return, and journalists attending were pleasantly surprised – some said “stunned” or “amazed” – to discover that the President’s replies to questions consisted of coherent English sentences that conveyed meaning.

Much of the content of those answers was also surprising. For example, “North Korea has never threatened anyone, but it feels a clear need to deflect the threats of US military action.” And, “North Korea does not conduct military exercises in Mexico. Why should the United States conduct military exercises in South Korea?”

However, reporters were unable to pursue follow-up questions because the conference was quickly closed when it was reported that North Korea had just launched several ICBMs on a trajectory that might take them toward US territory.

Luckily, before the US had launched retaliation, it was realized that the missiles were in fact headed into outer space. About one-fourth of the way to the moon, they set off a spectacular fireworks display. The North Korean government issued a statement that the fireworks had been “ordered by the Chairman to show the world the kind of fire and fury we could unleash if it doesn’t behave.”

Over subsequent days, Washington politicians reported – off the record – that the President had become much easier to deal with. While he still sometimes shouted “Off with his head!” regarding people who displeased him, he had become much more reasonable and consistent: whether you were in his good books or bad books, you stayed there unless there was a real reason to change your assignment.

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang, the alarming purges of the past appeared to have ceased. The official newspaper Running Simpering quoted the Chairman as saying, “I really like the way things are going here. It’s great. No contradicting me. Wonderful.”

Still, it wasn’t until several days later that the truth began to dawn, most obviously when the “Chairman” told an official North Korean banquet, “Ages since the Russian stuff. Guess the Dems’ fake news have given up. Lock her up.”

At almost the same time, “President Dump,” attending a ceremony to commemorate the Boston Tea Party by dumping Chinese steel into Boston Harbor, replied in Korean to the shouted question of a journalist.

As was soon discovered, in the confusion when the two leaders’ wigs were blown off as they departed their summit meeting, the wigs had been returned to the wrong leader. Hence President Dump, now with black hair, was bundled by security forces onto the North Korean plane, and Chairman Kim Jung-il Jim, now sporting an orange mop, was hurried into Air Force One. Like their subordinates, neither leader realized the mistake that had been made.

If it took authorities on both sides too long to figure out what had gone wrong, they were remarkably quick in reaching the best solution. Both leaders freely acknowledged that they liked their new situation, and influential people in both capitals generally agreed that things had also improved for them. As for the general population, in both countries they seemed not to have noticed any difference, or if they had, they didn’t care.

And so, it was decided to leave things as they were. Except for one modification: the new “Chairman” insisted that he must still have the right to collect contributions to his 2020 re-election campaign.

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Playwright’s heirs sue President

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In an unprecedented legal case, descendants of William Shakespeare have filed a plagiarism suit against President Ronald Dump and unnamed “co-conspirators in the United States Executive and Congress.”

The President and others are accused of unlawfully “appropriating and replicating, without attribution,” some of the plaintiffs’ famous ancestor’s “observations, themes, and descriptions.”

The suit focuses most attention on Shakespeare’s play Macbeth. It claims that the Dump White House has – deliberately or carelessly – “appropriated and imitated to the full” Macbeth’s sorrowful description of life: “It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Legal experts suggest that the White House would be wise to settle out of court, especially while there is still a possibility that the government might pay for the settlement.

However, it is likely that the plaintiffs will drive a hard bargain. They might be expecting an opportunity for a future suit against Congress over the play Julius Caesar, because there may be an Et tu, Brute situation lurking in the wings.

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Administration says maybe armed teachers not needed

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a surprise development, the White House appears to be retreating from President Ronald Dump’s call for teachers to be armed to defend schoolchildren from harm during any of the country’s semiweekly mass slaughters.

A day ago, President Ronald Dump told a meeting of state governors that, if he happened to be next to a high school and heard gunfire, “I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon and the bone spurs in my feet hurt and I’d win the Congressional Medal of Honor for hitting that shooter with fuzzy and feist like he’s never known even if it wasn’t a Muslim or a North Korean.”

The President didn’t address the question of how he would distinguish the sounds of a gun fired by a mass murderer from one fired by a teacher or authorized keeper of the peace annoyed by unruly students. However, today a White House insider who spoke on condition of anonymity suggested that the administration has decided to skirt that issue by proposing that children be defended, not by armed teachers, but by “volunteers who share the President’s courage.”

The insider said the President believes he has more than enough supporters “who want to make America grate again” that it would be easy to find the required number of volunteers. To get the ball rolling, prominent members of the Administration might become very visible volunteer school defenders initially.

The President himself probably couldn’t spare the time from his busy tweeting schedule, but he was thinking of deputizing to act for him Jeff Symptoms, who the President said “isn’t doing anything useful against this Russian thing anyway.” He is also thinking of having family members volunteer, saying, “Maybe Vankilla and Jaded could get some good publicity for once.”

However, the insider added that some of President Dump’s advisors are trying to get him to deal with potential problems before rushing ahead with the program. For instance, would it really help the program’s public image if Dump Supporters like former Senate candidate Rabid Morbid was photographed roaming high school hallways among 15-year-old girls? even if their mothers agreed?

Rooters asked the insider whether the volunteers would all be unarmed. “Who knows?” he replied. “The President has said he wants an end to gun-free zones in schools. So, if the volunteers have bought a gun legally, why not take it along?”

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President responds to latest mass killing

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “We’re Number One! NUMBER ONE!” the President tweeted this morning. “USA! USA! Better than anyone!”

Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders later told reporters that, while she couldn’t be certain, it appeared that President Dump was referring to the latest statistics on mass shootings of civilians, which revealed that in 2018 the United States was again leading the rest of the world.

It was true that the USA had led in this area even before President Dump took office, but he was proud of the fact the nation’s lead had increased significantly in his first year.

The President is said to believe that “guns go off sometimes,” and that the number of casualties is therefore a rough but reliable indication of the number and distribution of guns. Further, since gun ownership is a measure of a people’s freedom, mass killings are likewise a measure of a country’s degree of freedom. And certainly no one can dispute that, by this measure, the US is the freest country in the world.

Questioned by reporters, Slanders said that she thought the President was opposed, at least today, to proposals to prohibit psychopaths from purchasing military-grade weapons. She said that President Trump had been heard to declare, “Barry’s right on,” after watching a televised speech by Barry Bogus III, the president of the National Weapons Association, delivered to the NWA’s annual general klavern.

In that talk, Bogus vigorously defended “the constitutional right of the mentally deranged” to carry as much firepower as they needed to make them feel secure.

He pointed out that the constitution doesn’t ban mentally deranged people from holding office, so it made no sense ban them from owning rapid-fire weapons, which can’t cause nearly as much damage as an office holder can cause just by doing nothing.

Slanders said that President Dump found Bogus’ logic on this question unchallengeable.

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US President comments on South Africa

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “See! It shows I was right! It proves African countries are shithouses.” According to White House insiders, these words were the response of President Ronald Dump to the news that South Africa’s President had been forced to resign over a series of corruption scandals.

In a meeting called to warn staff that anyone who leaked information about the number of cheeseburgers consumed in the White House would be jailed for decades under the 1917 Espionage Act, President Dump is said to have departed from his prepared remarks to express his dismay about the South African events.

“His own party!” the President said in stunned tones. “His own party turned against him, and over what? A few millions spent on improving his property’s security against terrorism or falling meteorites. What’s wrong with that? I spend more than that just going for the weekend to my Mainly Loco resort.”

The President, waxing philosophical, then suggested that Africans were incapable of judging corruption issues and showing loyalty in the way Americans do. “I doubled the room rates at my resorts and hotels as soon as I was elected. If I’d done it in South Africa, I’d probably be in trouble, even with my own party. But here, nobody in my party has objected. They understand that’s not corruption. That’s just good business practice.”

“Imagine what would become of America if we ran it like that South African shithouse!”

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White House declares support for women

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The White House today unequivocally declared President Ronald Dump’s support for women victims of domestic violence.

Press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders said that “the President’s complete sympathy and support go out to those women who have suffered abuse or violence from their partners. If there are any.”

Violence within the home was anathema to the President, Slanders continued. “He believes that violent behavior should always be directed outside the home, towards those who menace our police and don’t respect our flag or demonstrate against the President and things like that.”

Another target for violence that the President considers preferable to wives, Slanders added, is “unfriendly countries, the really hostile ones that won’t do what they’re told.” The President had noticed that many of these countries had acquired, or were attempting to acquire, weapons with which they could harm our armed forces if they came within range of those countries while helping to straighten them out. So it might be necessary to act before those countries became even more dangerous.

A further clarification came from chief of staff General (ret.) Long John Emptybarrel, whom reporters were surprised to find still wandering the White House corridors. Asked by reporters why he often seemed to be defending spousal abusers right up until the moment of their resignation, Emptybarrel said that both he and President Dump sometimes found it difficult to discover what White House staff were really doing – for example, if National Surveillance Administration transcripts of emails or drone audiovisual recordings hadn’t been processed quickly enough.

In such circumstances, the President had to consider the possibility that what appeared to be vicious violence against a wife might really only be the White House staffer in question practicing to help the President carry out his foreign policy.

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White House chief of staff on the ropes

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump’s vocal endorsement of Long John Emptybarrel has convinced political observers that the White House chief of staff is on his way out.

Speaking on behalf of the President, counselor Kelly Anna Conda said that Dump has “full faith” in his chief of staff. “The president says General Emptybarrel is doing a great job,” she said.

And, just in case anyone had missed this kiss of death, Conda added that the President was “not actively searching for replacements” for Emptybarrel – the key word “actively” meant to tell would-be replacements that they should send in their CVs now, without waiting to be asked.

The President is believed to be annoyed that Emptybarrel did not do enough to defend White House staff secretary Bob Protem when the latter was accused of domestic violence by both of his former wives.

Administration insiders who requested anonymity said that President Dump was heard to complain, “I thought Republicans were in favor of tough love. Next they’ll be saying that groping is illegal. Whatever happened to romance, like in the movies? – You know, Sleeping with Gropers and Once Were Bashers.

Publicly, the President complained about a lack of “due process” in regard to Protem. White House legislative director Marcus Brutus said that Dump’s views on this question were “shaped by a lot of false accusations against him in the past.” This referred to a large number of accusations of past sexual misconduct against the President. None of these alleged incidents, as Dump has repeatedly pointed out, were captured on film.

The words about “false accusations” may also refer to the 2016 election campaign, when Dump’s opponent, Hermione N. Clement, threatened to jail Dump if she was elected and frequently led campaign rallies in chanting: “Lock him up!”

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