Notre Dame fire sparks market rally

ROME (Rooters agency) – The indulgences market is experiencing a record boom as the business world reacts to the burning of the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. At present, the proceeds of all indulgence sales are being dedicated to the reconstruction.

In an unusual appearance, Pope Frankie John Paul Mark II rang the market’s opening bell this morning, thus assuring investors of papal support for the rapid rise, which had begun the moment investors realized that the cathedral was not insured against the disaster.

Corporations around the world, but especially in Europe, have bid hundreds of millions of euros for the rebuilding.

Several multinationals, which asked to remain anonymous, have allowed employees to share in the holy effort by instituting across-the-board wage reductions. It was not immediately clear whether the indulgences purchased in this fashion would apply to the employees concerned.

In response to Rooters’ query as to whether reconstruction of the cathedral would include the installation of sprinklers or other automatic fire retardant systems, the Vatican press office replied, “The Church relies, not on human science, but on the Grace of God.”

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Ecuadoran President seeks new name

QUITO (Rooters agency) – Ecuador’s President Lenin Momento has announced a national competition to choose him a new, more suitable, given name.

After ejecting Julian Assange from his refuge in the Ecuadoran embassy in London, President Momento told reporters, “It’s a clear and important move, but you can never be sure that US President Dump understands anything.

“My name might still give him the wrong impression. Lenin was a very vocal anti-imperialist. So I recognize the need for a change.”

A reporter who tried to ask a question about Vladimir Lenin’s attitude to transparency and corruption was quickly escorted from the press conference, apparently without serious injuries.

Ecuadoran citizens have already begun to respond to the President’s request for suggestions for his new name. Among the early entries, the leaders appear to be Batista, Somoza, and Ivanka.

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Government uncertain about Ukraine President

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The State Department and other departments of the US government are scrambling to decide how to cope with the likelihood that the Ukraine is about to elect a comedian as its President.

If he says something, how will we know if he really means it?” said one State Department career officer. “We’re used to government leaders lying – everyone does it. But what if it’s not a lie? What if it’s just a joke?”

Further complications were laid out in Congressional testimony by Joy-Lee Hacksaw, the director of the Continuous Interrogation Agency.

We don’t worry too much about whether foreign leaders are lying,” Hacksaw said. “We base our views on stuff we get from their subordinates, who mostly assume that their boss is lying and therefore tell us the opposite of what the boss says. Unless, of course, the subordinate is not being honest with us, despite what we pay them, and they tell us what their boss wants them to say.

But if the leader is a comedian, lower officials won’t know whether they should tell us that he really means it or that it’s a joke that he thinks we won’t believe and therefore we should believe it.”

However, some longtime Washington insiders are not greatly concerned about the Ukraine events. “We can easily cope with a foreign President who is a comedian,” one of them explained. “A comedian is easy after we learned how to cope with a President who is a clown.”

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Government blocks trials of military

ROME, 40 AD (Rooters agency) – The Imperial Government has announced sanctions against judges, prosecutors, or any other judicial officials who presume to bring to trial, or even investigate, members of the Imperial Armed Forces (IAF) alleged to have violated the laws of war.

A decree signed yesterday by Emperor Caligula denies travel permits to anyone who impugns members of the IAF. It further imposes economic penalties, up to confiscation of all property, on any official who tries to bring judicial charges against anyone in the IAF.

The main target of the decree, announced by Imperial Lord of the Stool Michael Pompeii, appears to be a religious cult that has arisen recently in Judea, one of the Empire’s more restive eastern provinces, where the IAF has often had to respond to uprisings and provocations.

The cult focuses on one Jesus of Nazareth, an unemployed carpenter who was executed for treason seven years ago. Followers of the cult have alleged that the said Jesus, or Iesu, was unjustly tried, sentenced, and executed as the result of a conspiracy between leaders of the Jerusalem garrison of the IAF and an indigenous cult that Jesus is said to have offended.

These Iesuans, as they have become known, have called for leaders of the Jerusalem IAF and their co-conspirators in the indigenous cult to be brought to trial and crucified for the alleged injustice.

It is well known that the Emperor has no objection to crucifying people who pretend to worship a god other than Himself, but the Imperial Government obviously cannot allow judicial proceedings against the IAF. If such things were allowed, what would happen to the Empire?

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Job application

The Governor, Raleigh, NC

Dear Sir,

I would like to apply for a job as a Teacher in your Excellent State. Because I have just learned that North Carolina is going to allow teachers to carry guns in schools.

I am very well qualified to carry a gun in any school. Even when I was a little boy and only had a slingshot, I had a deadly aim I could kill a squirrel at 30 feet. Now I am still a deadeye with a rifle or a pistol or even a slingshot still if the commie greenies take our guns a way.

I always thought that guns in school is a good idea because it scares away the terrists and also helps the pupils to learn about American Values and the Constitutional Amendments that protects our Freedoms. Like the Second Freedom, the Right to Shoot Guns.

Also, if the Teacher has a gun the pupils might probably think it’s a good idea to behave themselves. (Just joking.)

I could also be a Teacher in a high school. Because I think there are more crazy pupils and terrists in high schools, so I could be useful there. But I would like and maybe it’s better if I teach in a primary school. Where I could show the boys how to aim slingshots during recess and Values stuff like that.

Yours sincerely,

[Illegible]

P.S. I have my own guns or does the school supply them for me? If I use my guns, does the school pay me a rent for them? Who pays for the bullets?

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Feeling lonely? You’re not alone

Ironically, surveys reveal that loneliness is increasing, even as the number of people around us increases.

How can this be? Some people say it’s because too many of all these new people are different from me.

That may well be the reason. And therefore it’s understandable if you feel the need to respond to this threat by buying a gun or two (see our website for an amazing selection).

But there are also other ways to overcome loneliness that might suit your needs. For example, you could wear a MAGA hat, and then feel safe and connected with other people wearing MAGA hats (see our website for an amazing selection of sizes and colors).

However, some of those other people wearing MAGA hats might not really be friends. They might be enemies wearing the hat to deceive us. No wonder you feel alone.

And there are many people who wouldn’t wear MAGA hats who also feel lonely.

Don’t worry: we cater for everyone.

You don’t have to be alone. Siri and Alexa were only the beginning. Modern technology means that you can now converse with any number of differently designed online artificial people (artpeeps) who will never contradict you (unless you want them to).

Even better, it is now possible to buy or rent an artpeep that is physically present, and which looks just like a human being, with whatever modifications you prefer (see our website for an amazing selection of models and prices).

So your problems are over. Loneliness is no longer a problem, because people are now unnecessary. (We accept all credit cards.)

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Former schoolteacher will not run for President

WEST BUNGYVILLE (Rooters agency) – Former schoolteacher Daisy Dandelion today ended months of speculation by announcing that she will not run for President in 2020, disappointing many of her followers.

Since her retirement from teaching, the 68-year-old Dandelion has remained active in public affairs, including in the Bungyville District PTA, where she has been a strong advocate for progressive education.

In an op-ed published late last year in the Washington Post, Dandelion argued, “The USA is a wealthy country, and we can afford to teach our young people to read and think logically, so that they never repeat their elders’ mistake of taking seriously someone like Ronald Dump, let alone electing him.”

Dandelion is a strong critic of what she calls the government’s “refusal to act” on climate change. She also attacks the importance of money in politics. “This,” she says with a smile, “may be the reason I don’t have any.”

In fact, GoForItDaisy, a PAC formed in early 2018 to encourage a Dandelion candidacy, has reported raising “almost $3,000 in nickels and dimes donated by schoolchildren.”

Political analysts have been saying that a Dandelion entry into the Democratic primaries would pose a sharp contrast between an “ordinary American” candidate and candidates who were multi-millionaires or had access to multi-millions. The frequent coverage of Dandelion’s views and activities by the New York Times was seen as promising support for a candidate whose first loyalty was to voters rather than to wealth.

But, announcing her decision, Dandelion tweeted, “While I appreciate the widespread media interest in my ideas, I have to recognize that $3,000 isn’t enough even to start a campaign. But maybe $3,000 times six, plus interest, for 2024? Who knows?”

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