‘Compromise’ gun bill mooted in Washington

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The National Weapons Association and its supporters in Congress have indicated support for legislation that they think may defuse the country’s debate over gun laws.

It’s a compromise we could live with,” said Barry Bogus III, president of the NWA, referring to a draft bill, being circulated in Washington, which would impose certain conditions on weapons sales.

After the latest schoolroom slaughter, this one in Texas, President Ronald Dump said he was “determined to do everything in my power to protect our students,” adding that he has “no power because of the Democratic witch-hunt about Russia collusion which never was except Democrats.”

The draft bill claims to fill the gap by specific legislative requirements. Although it was drafted by a member of Congress who prefers to remain anonymous, some observers have attributed it to Senator Texas Crude, who was one of the first off the mark after the latest shooting to announce his “prayers” for the victims, regardless of their political party.

If the draft bill were to become law, anyone could buy a gun of any kind but when doing so would be required to sign a declaration of their “thoughts and prayers” for anyone later killed or wounded with the weapon.

House of Representatives Speaker Parlous Rant said he thought the bill “merited consideration,” but he was concerned that the bill “could upstage political leaders’ comments on future massacres.”

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Senate endorses President’s choice of CIA head

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump’s nominee to head the CIA has been confirmed by a vote of the Senate, despite some Senators’ mildly expressed concerns about torture, destruction of evidence, violation of court orders and other minor mistakes.

Opponents of Joy-Lee Hacksaw’s nomination to head the Continuous Interrogation Agency pointed out that she previously was head of CIA torture stations in Bangkok and other locations, nearly all of which had been classified just in case there were any leftover bits of information that she hadn’t already destroyed.

To these objections, the White House replied, “So what?”, an argument that a sufficient number of Democratic Senators found persuasive.

Hacksaw is the first woman to head the CIA, a fact that the White House has emphasized. Asked why it had taken so long for a woman to rise through the CIA ranks, White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders said that it had been hard for women to rise on a career path such as interrogations, “because male agents tended to monopolize the fun parts.”

During her interrogation by the Senate Rubberstamp Committee (conducted without the assistance of waterboarding, threats of violence to relatives or sleep deprivation), Hacksaw stated that she “would refuse to undertake any proposed activity that was contrary to my moral and ethical values.”

Pushed for more details on these values, Hacksaw replied that she had classified them as top secret, but did say that they included not disobeying the boss. She added that she, personally, would not torture members of Congress who vote as they should.

Hacksaw’s testimony to the committee had been slightly disrupted by a protester in the balcony, whose words Hacksaw may have mistaken for a question from one of the Senators.

Where is your shame?” the protester shouted.

We don’t have it in custody yet,” Hacksaw replied. “But when we do, don’t worry. It won’t resist enhanced interrogation for long.”

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President confident for Korea summit

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump and Secretary of State Dick Pompous are said to be optimistic about the upcoming June 12 summit meeting between Dump and North Korean President Kim Jung-il Jim.

For a start, White House insiders say, both Dump and Pompous “express confidence approaching 90%” that Dump will still be President on the date of the scheduled meeting.

Also, the White House has pooh-poohed fears of some political observers that Kim might out-maneuver the US President. As White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders put it, “The President is a great negotiator. Do you know anyone else who could continue to get bank loans after that many bankruptcies?”

Secretary Pompous has publicly offered economic aid to North Korea if the United States gets what it wants from the summit meeting. “We can promise them even more than we gave Iraq or Libya,” Pompous said. “Or Iran. When it comes to promises, the sky’s the limit.”

Slanders later insisted that this remark by Secretary Pompous was not a veiled threat to use drone weapons against North Korea. She said it referred to a recently formalized US policy called “Promise them anything, but give them Dump.”

Asked by a reporter whether ending the agreement with Iran would hinder future diplomacy, Slanders replied, “We think it works pretty well. The Iranians gave up their enriched uranium for a promise to end sanctions. The sanctions are back on, but do you think the Iranians are going to get their uranium back?”

Has Kim Jung-il Jim commented on the US withdrawal from the Iran agreement? “No,” said Slanders. “We’re hoping he doesn’t follow English-language media.”

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President announces unusual lawsuit

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has filed a lawsuit that may break new legal ground, saying that it is defamatory and untrue that he fired FBI Director James Comfy because the latter was heading an investigation into possible collusion between the Russian Government and the Dump presidential election campaign.

“Witch hunt UNTRUE SLANDER. I never did that. OR ANYTHING so shut up. OR YOU’LL BE SORRY,” the President tweeted yesterday morning.

Half an hour later, he followed with: “My lawyer will sue over witch hunt accusation that Russia thing was behind firing of Comfy slimeball.”

Today, when President Dump’s attorney Mick Clobber filed the paperwork asking for $150 million as compensation for “egregious nasty witch-hunt slimy false accusations,” reporters were surprised to discover that the main defendant, who had allegedly made the charges “on national NBC television and to foreign diplomats,” was one Ronald Dump.

Attorney Clobber acknowledged that it was “unusual” for someone to sue himself, but there was nothing in the Constitution that prohibited it, and “if you keep asking smart alec questions, I can find out where you live.”

It is not completely clear whether Clobber will represent both the plaintiff and the defendant when the case comes to trial. It may not go to trial, however, because he indicated that Plaintiff Dump was amenable to a settlement, in which the compensation for Defendant Dump’s words would be paid by the US Government, since Defendant Dump was a Government official when he made the defamatory remarks.

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International action against chemical weapons planned

(Rooters agency) – An informal international coalition is preparing military action to punish and deter the use of chemical and/or radioactive weapons against civilian populations.

US Defense Secretary Jimminy Maddog, responding to criticism that the coalition was proceeding too slowly following the use of such weapons, said he believed chemical weapons had been used, but “we are looking for evidence” on who was responsible.

But French President Imminent Macro said, “We have proof that chemical weapons have been used, and it is clear who is responsible.”

In London, the cabinet of Barely United Kingdom Prime Minister Tiramisu Might was reported to be uncertain as to whether it would ask for approval from Parliament before joining in military action. Might is said to have told colleagues that such approval is “an important democratic tradition that should be respected unless MPs might vote the wrong way.”

The international Organization for the Prevention of Some Countries’ Weapons (OPSCW) has not issued an official statement, but off the record, several leading scientists have said it is “unquestionable” that white phosphorus and depleted uranium have repeatedly been used against civilians in Iraq and other parts of the Middle East by the United States and its allies.

However, France and the BUK may not need to bomb the Pentagon, because US President Ronald Dump is reported ready to support trials of the US officials responsible, provided that defendants are confined to the administrations of Presidents Dubbya and Africa.

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Model application to teach

Name:

Address:

Age:

Sex (if not unmistakable from name):

Teaching position being applied for:

Weapons Proficiency

Hand guns. Hand guns with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Long guns. Long guns with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Semi-automatic weapons. Semi-automatic weapons with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Automatic weapons. Automatic weapons with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Any other defensive skills, e.g. knife throwing, tasering, asphyxiating gas dispersal, psychokinetic strangulation (There is no need to include skills with weapons whose use normally involves obliteration of an area larger than a city block or that require means of delivery not normally available to school districts):

Previous Experience

Schools at which you have previously taught. If weapons you carried there were different from those listed above, please explain:

Instances where you have used any of the above in a school setting (include any subsequent court rulings on such use):

Instances where you have used any of the above in a non-school setting (include any subsequent court rulings on such use):

Threat Perception

Formal qualifications in judging threats and their severity (including police training in radicalization observation):

Any informal qualifications in the above area (This includes practical experience, such as perceiving and countering threats, and how they were killed. It might also include successful perception of early signs of potential radicalization, provided this can be documented by police/court records):

Other

Other qualifications that might be found useful (It will be an advantage for applicants to have some knowledge or experience relevant to the area of instruction of the position applied for):

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