WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – US Secretary of State Dick Pompous has warned the British government that including hardware from Chinese company Byway in its 5G telephone network is a threat to the country.
Bro Jejune, the Prime Minister of the Barely United Kingdom, has decided that some Byway equipment can be included in the new network. Pompous declared that this would be a severe threat to BUK sovereignty, because the Chinese government could secretly use access to Byway to listen to Jejune’s phone calls or quarrels with his latest companion.
“British sovereignty,” Pompous warned, “is under threat of date theft. Its sovereignty can be adequately defended only by a decision to accept the protection that we have decided is best for it.
“If the BUK accepts the security offered by American 5G, we can guarantee there will be no illicit stealing of users’ information. We are legislating to require a ‘back door’ into all US software and hardware, so we will be immediately aware of any hacking attempt by a potential enemy and can alert its British targets.”
WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Majority Leader of the Senate today announced his party’s counterattack against the impeachment of President Ronald Dump. After a day of speeches for and against convicting the President – but no testimony – Senator Mulch Gooddoggy introduced a resolution calling for the impeachment of the majority of the House of Representatives who had voted for the impeachment of President Dump.
The resolution declares that the House majority had “clearly and shamelessly committed the crime of lèse-majesté.”
“The President denied the charges before they were even made,” Senator Gooddoggy declared, “and yet those enemies of democracy persisted with them. They want to overturn the will of the majority of real Americans, who gave the President a crushing majority of the popular vote in 2016 and will do so again this year if we can pass all of our state voter restriction bills in time.”
Senator Texas Crude endorsed Gooddoggy’s resolution: “For the good of the country, I am willing to admit that I can’t prove that Our Leader is mistaken about my father and the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Why can’t the other party recognize the damage they do by trying to sully the reputation of the only Leader we have? Lèse-majesté hurts all Americans.”
Another backer of the President, Senator Mark Arboreal, said, “Of course I don’t agree with everything the President does except when he does it. But I will always back him against the scurrilous charge that he owes a higher loyalty to the Constitution than he does to God, who appointed him as President.”
Arboreal added that not all of his fellow senators endorsed Gooddoggy’s resolution 100 percent. Many of them felt that the charges against the House majority should include blasphemy.
ATLANTA (Rooters4 agency), December 3, 2042 – The White House today denounced as “treasonous scare-mongering” our report yesterday, which fakedly said that Hurricane 27 last week had flooded large parts of Miami and Fort Lauderdale.
Rooters4 unreservedly acknowledges the accuracy of the White House correction, which pointed out that the recently flooded areas had been excised from those cities after 2039’s Hurricane 21, as being populated mainly by “not real Americans.” The so-called reporter responsible for our false news has been fired and referred to the Fake News Police.
Rooters4 also acknowledges that our false report could create unwarranted panic in areas likely to be affected by Hurricane 28, which is expected to hit the area around DC the day after tomorrow.
We should have realized that many poorly educated and suggestible residents in DC may be influenced by the ridiculous theory that the localized land subsidence that saw the nation’s capital moved from DC to Atlanta was actually a result of so-called global warming – a fake news theory that continues to have adherents even though snow falls are expected in many parts of Minnesota, North Dakota, and Montana within the next month, and despite the current cold in Ukraine and other parts of the world.
In good news, America’s allies have pledged substantial assistance to the recovery from Hurricane 27. The Prime Minister of England and South Wales has said he will reduce tariffs on American products during the recovery, including taxes on chlorinated chicken, opioids, semi-automatic firearms, and coal. Since most American goods already enter England and South Wales duty free, the reduction will result in a negative tariff; this means that the ESW government will provide a subsidy for the importation of the American products.
Rooters4 again apologizes for the above errors and is pleased to announce that a restructuring of the company, involving a substantial investment from Ronald Dump Group, will shortly result in a new, improved Rooters5.
(Rooters agency analysis) – In a blow from which the Internet may never recover (but probably will, even quickly), last week the notorious figure QAnon, who had legions of followers of his exposure of an international child sex trafficking ring (ICSTR) controlled by Hermione N. Clement, was destroyed by ZAnon.
ZAnon, for those of you who are out of touch with the real world, is the “highly knowledgeable and influential insider in galactic councils” who first pointed out that QAnon was not born in America and was therefore not to be trusted to tell you the time of day, let alone where to find your local neighborhood sex trafficker. Indeed, as ZAnon also stressed, there was “no evidence” that QAnon was even born on Earth.
QAnon’s refusal to provide his/her/its birth certificate for public inspection settled the matter. As ZAnon explained, QAnon was actually an agent of the ICSTR.
(In the aftermath of ZAnon’s disclosure, 37 alleged QAnons have so far been fatally shot, decapitated, burned, or disemboweled by disillusioned followers in various locations across the United States. ZAnon has not yet responded to Rooters’ request for comment on these events.)
ZAnon charged that the “QAnon fraud” was a ploy to prevent the exposure of the real ICSTR controller. The real culprits, ZAnon said, will be revealed “prior to the political parties’ convention nominations of their presidential candidates.”
For those who can’t wait to find out, ZAnon is providing a website that will contain clues between now and next year’s political conventions. Access to the website is open to anyone who pays the subscription fee.
WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “Strategically brilliant!” “Pure genius!” “The biggest bestest thing that has ever happened in American foreign policy!”
With these words, President Ronald Dump offered his measured evaluation of his latest moves in regard to the Turkey-Syrian Kurds crisis.
The President was referring to the agreement that Vice President Mickey Tuppence and Secretary of State Dick Pillow had reached with Turkish leader Precept Bunyip Arrogan.
The agreement centers on a ceasefire between Turkish and US forces, which is expected to hold because these forces had not been firing on each other, aside from the occasional accidental Turkish artillery barrage when it appears that US troops are not getting out of the way quickly enough.
The Turkish Government has also agreed not to fire on any Kurds who leave the 5,000 or 6,000 square miles of northern Syria that Turkey intends to occupy, unless they get uppity.
“This will save millions of lives,” the President predicted. “Maybe billions. What a shame I wasn’t President in World War One, when the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor. I would have sent a letter and made a deal with that Hitler guy for peace in our time.”