President threatens to defund WMO

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today threatened to cut off United States funding for the World Meteorological Organization (WMO), the international body with 193 members that seeks to coordinate observations of weather patterns worldwide.

It’s biased. It’s biased to cool,” the President declared, departing from his prepared speech to a group of Boy Scouts who had been invited to meet him in the White House Toad Garden. “They keep saying that it’s hotter than ever, but we know very well things were much hotter in the Trampoline, and yet we’re all still here. After the Trampoline, still here not so bad hot stuff, like hot stuff myself that’s all fake news.”

Later, asked by a reporter if he was determined to attack the WMO, the President indicated a softer attitude toward that body. “They aren’t always wrong,” he said. “I saw a report that the world temperature in March was nearly 55 degrees, but that was fake news, because it turns out the WMO says the average temperature was only 12.7 degrees. Good for them, we might need to burn more coal to warm things up.”

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Beware disease

My fellow Americans – and Democrats too, my advisors said I should be excommentical:

Tonight, and maybe tomorrow too but we hope not just in case, we face a terrible foreign virus, colonicalvirus, but it’s not too bad if everyone does as they are told and we plan to tell them what to do as soon as we finish our plan. But don’t buy up all the toilet paper and flush the toilet more than five times.

Right now today and already months ago our scientists were hard at work to develop a vaccine that can change a dangerous foreign Chinese virus into a good safe American virus. That vaccine will soon be available at a reasonable price and until then you have to be cautious. Unfortunately, the vaccine will not be covered by insurance because if you have the virus it is a preconditioning existence, and former President Africa’s horrible health plan wants you all to die.

Don’t go overseas and waste your money at foreign resorts to catch colonicalvirus, you can stay right here in America, for example at my wonderful Mainly Loco Florida resort. We are building another Big Beautiful Wall around Mainly Loco to keep out all unAmerican viruses, so you will feel quite safe from that and also no Fake News Democrats there.

Also, to protect the American people from foreign Chinese viruses, we will not allow any Europeans into our country. Many people don’t know that China is one of the biggest countries in Europe.

Many doctors say that for now you should stay home and not go into crowded places except beautiful American resorts which aren’t really crowded very relaxed and reasonable prices and no foreign viruses. And I don’t want to argue with medical science except when it’s Fake Medicine.

So we need to avoid lots of people together when we don’t have to. Like two years ago during the Congressional elections, and in 2016, there were many people standing in line together waiting to vote. And in 2020, we’ve made sure that the lines in many places will be even longer.

Therefore, I have decided to postpone the elections that were scheduled in November. Until the virus threat is defeated, if necessary with the greatest fire and brimstone the world has ever seen, current office holders should continue in their present positions – except for Fake Speaker Natty Petunia, who my doctors tell me is already infected with the colonicalvirus and is therefore to be quarantined on Guam or Bikini atoll.

My fellow Americans – and Democrats too – let us together defeat this aggressive foreign virus by spending our money at good clean American resorts and not worrying about minor things.

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Pact leaves Democratic Convention in limbo

MILWAUKEE, July 8, 2020 (Rooters agency) – Plans for the Democratic National Convention, scheduled to be held here starting next Monday, have been thrown into disarray by yesterday’s announcement of the Great America Peace in Our Time Agreement between President Ronald Dump and Democratic Party would-be challenger, billionaire Henry Flower.

“It does make the presidential part of the convention a bit irrelevant,” said convention president Joe Salmon. “But we might do a bit of a show about our Senate and Congressional candidates.”

Flower had been one of the leading Democratic candidates, but who would eventually be chosen by the convention was not at all clear, none of the candidates having yet secured a majority of delegates.

However, in a first for American politics, Dump and Flower declared that they would cease opposing each other in any fashion, and that Flower would purchase the presidency from Dump for the price of $4.38 billion.

“It’s probably the biggest bestest deal ever,” the President declared. “I might write a book about it so I can read about how smart I am. You know, I only ran for the job to make money, and look what I’ve got now!”

President-To-Be Flower – as he has instructed the press to refer to him between now and next January 20 – said, “I congratulate President Dump on his wisdom and compassion in agreeing to such a non-confrontational transfer of the presidency.”

Flower pointed out that the agreement meant there was no longer any need for a “divisive” election that “would set citizen against citizen.” Now, Americans “from Wall Street to Amex to NASDAQ” could be confident that Washington was putting their interests first.

Among other specifics in the agreement, Dump and Flower also declared that there was now “no point” in granting “nosy demands” for disclosure of candidates’ federal tax returns, since there now were no candidates.

The deal is not as expensive for Flower as might first appear, since he was already committed to spending several billion dollars on his election campaign – and without the guaranteed result he has now obtained.

It is not yet clear whether Flower will count the purchase of the presidency as part of his “giving pledge” – a promise by the very wealthy to give at least half of their wealth to philanthropic causes. Since making the pledge, Flower has given away several billion dollars but has been frustrated by his fortune increasing more rapidly than his gifts can reduce it.

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US warns Britain on 5G

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – US Secretary of State Dick Pompous has warned the British government that including hardware from Chinese company Byway in its 5G telephone network is a threat to the country.

Bro Jejune, the Prime Minister of the Barely United Kingdom, has decided that some Byway equipment can be included in the new network. Pompous declared that this would be a severe threat to BUK sovereignty, because the Chinese government could secretly use access to Byway to listen to Jejune’s phone calls or quarrels with his latest companion.

“British sovereignty,” Pompous warned, “is under threat of date theft. Its sovereignty can be adequately defended only by a decision to accept the protection that we have decided is best for it.

“If the BUK accepts the security offered by American 5G, we can guarantee there will be no illicit stealing of users’ information. We are legislating to require a ‘back door’ into all US software and hardware, so we will be immediately aware of any hacking attempt by a potential enemy and can alert its British targets.”

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Senate majority strikes back

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Majority Leader of the Senate today announced his party’s counterattack against the impeachment of President Ronald Dump. After a day of speeches for and against convicting the President – but no testimony – Senator Mulch Gooddoggy introduced a resolution calling for the impeachment of the majority of the House of Representatives who had voted for the impeachment of President Dump.

The resolution declares that the House majority had “clearly and shamelessly committed the crime of lèse-majesté.”

“The President denied the charges before they were even made,” Senator Gooddoggy declared, “and yet those enemies of democracy persisted with them. They want to overturn the will of the majority of real Americans, who gave the President a crushing majority of the popular vote in 2016 and will do so again this year if we can pass all of our state voter restriction bills in time.”

Senator Texas Crude endorsed Gooddoggy’s resolution: “For the good of the country, I am willing to admit that I can’t prove that Our Leader is mistaken about my father and the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Why can’t the other party recognize the damage they do by trying to sully the reputation of the only Leader we have? Lèse-majesté hurts all Americans.”

Another backer of the President, Senator Mark Arboreal, said, “Of course I don’t agree with everything the President does except when he does it. But I will always back him against the scurrilous charge that he owes a higher loyalty to the Constitution than he does to God, who appointed him as President.”

Arboreal added that not all of his fellow senators endorsed Gooddoggy’s resolution 100 percent. Many of them felt that the charges against the House majority should include blasphemy.

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Retraction of our fake news

ATLANTA (Rooters4 agency), December 3, 2042 – The White House today denounced as “treasonous scare-mongering” our report yesterday, which fakedly said that Hurricane 27 last week had flooded large parts of Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

Rooters4 unreservedly acknowledges the accuracy of the White House correction, which pointed out that the recently flooded areas had been excised from those cities after 2039’s Hurricane 21, as being populated mainly by “not real Americans.” The so-called reporter responsible for our false news has been fired and referred to the Fake News Police.

Rooters4 also acknowledges that our false report could create unwarranted panic in areas likely to be affected by Hurricane 28, which is expected to hit the area around DC the day after tomorrow.

We should have realized that many poorly educated and suggestible residents in DC may be influenced by the ridiculous theory that the localized land subsidence that saw the nation’s capital moved from DC to Atlanta was actually a result of so-called global warming – a fake news theory that continues to have adherents even though snow falls are expected in many parts of Minnesota, North Dakota, and Montana within the next month, and despite the current cold in Ukraine and other parts of the world.

In good news, America’s allies have pledged substantial assistance to the recovery from Hurricane 27. The Prime Minister of England and South Wales has said he will reduce tariffs on American products during the recovery, including taxes on chlorinated chicken, opioids, semi-automatic firearms, and coal. Since most American goods already enter England and South Wales duty free, the reduction will result in a negative tariff; this means that the ESW government will provide a subsidy for the importation of the American products.

Rooters4 again apologizes for the above errors and is pleased to announce that a restructuring of the company, involving a substantial investment from Ronald Dump Group, will shortly result in a new, improved Rooters5.

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After exposure of QAnon

(Rooters agency analysis) – In a blow from which the Internet may never recover (but probably will, even quickly), last week the notorious figure QAnon, who had legions of followers of his exposure of an international child sex trafficking ring (ICSTR) controlled by Hermione N. Clement, was destroyed by ZAnon.

ZAnon, for those of you who are out of touch with the real world, is the “highly knowledgeable and influential insider in galactic councils” who first pointed out that QAnon was not born in America and was therefore not to be trusted to tell you the time of day, let alone where to find your local neighborhood sex trafficker. Indeed, as ZAnon also stressed, there was “no evidence” that QAnon was even born on Earth.

QAnon’s refusal to provide his/her/its birth certificate for public inspection settled the matter. As ZAnon explained, QAnon was actually an agent of the ICSTR.

(In the aftermath of ZAnon’s disclosure, 37 alleged QAnons have so far been fatally shot, decapitated, burned, or disemboweled by disillusioned followers in various locations across the United States. ZAnon has not yet responded to Rooters’ request for comment on these events.)

ZAnon charged that the “QAnon fraud” was a ploy to prevent the exposure of the real ICSTR controller. The real culprits, ZAnon said, will be revealed “prior to the political parties’ convention nominations of their presidential candidates.”

For those who can’t wait to find out, ZAnon is providing a website that will contain clues between now and next year’s political conventions. Access to the website is open to anyone who pays the subscription fee.

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