President rallies to defend Saudi Arabia

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Administration of President Ronald Dump is giving its full support to Saudi Arabia following the drone attacks that left several of the family’s oil refineries in flames.

In response to the attack, the Saud Crown Prince, Big Brother Muckup Bent Salamander, warned that it posed “a dangerous threat to the ability of sovereign families to dismember their underlings and to bomb defenseless civilians in neighboring territories.”

The Prince also said that it was “unmistakably clear that Iran was behind the attack. The evidence for this will be presented by our investigators just as soon as they finish proving that the unpleasantness in our Istanbul consulate was nothing but an unfortunate misunderstanding, for which we have executed all of the culprits below the rank of second cousin.”

Here, President Dump tweeted that he had had a great time during his 2017 visit to Riyadh and that the Sauds “are yuge friends of Great America, not like the FAKE NEWS Dems who want to let Muslim Mexican rapists burn our oil.”

The President added that he was eager to bomb anyone or anything suggested by Bent Salamander, but actual fireworks would have to wait until he had found a replacement for Hawk Incitatus, his recently fired National Somnambulist Advisor, so there would be somebody he could blame if things went wrong.

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G7 disagree with President on Russia

BIARRITZ (Rooters agency) – As expected, the leaders of the Gross Seven (G7) meeting here have disagreed with a proposal by President Ronald Dump to re-admit Russia to the group, making it once again the G8.

Russia was expelled from the group five years ago for “groping its neighbors.” This penalty, the US President argued, was “excessive.” Groping was “not so bad and mostly fake news. Just locker room talk really.”

According to a European diplomat who spoke on condition of anonymity, “Most of the other leaders insisted on this being a community of liberal democracies and for that reason they said you cannot allow [Russian President Vladitude] Buttinsky back in.”

Some of President Dump’s advisors, especially Hawk Incitatus, the President’s National Somnambulist Advisor, took particular exception to this argument. One White House insider said that Incitatus “pointed out that we don’t want to be part of any liberal community. In fact, we don’t want communities of any kind.

“And as for that democracy stuff – who needs it? The President agreed that ‘next the Europeans will be using it to say we don’t belong.’”

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London perplexed by US purchase offer

WASHINGTON and LONDON (Rooters agency) – Officials in the government of the Barely United Kingdom today appeared perplexed by the Twitter announcement of US President Ronald Dump that a deal was “almost completed” for the US to purchase Scotland and/or Northern Ireland.

“Haven’t heard of that,” said a Foreign Office official who asked to remain anonymous because he didn’t want to look like he was out of the loop. “But they want to stay in the EU, so I say let them go if the price is right.”

BUK Prime Minister Bro Jejune said he would answer any questions about the proposed purchase only to Parliament, whose next meeting the government was hoping to reschedule to coincide with the Brexit fifth anniversary celebrations on October 31, 2024.

In his tweet, President Dump contrasted his recent reception in the BUK with the cancellation of his planned state visit to Denmark. “Never really wanted Greenland, so won’t visit. In BUK they love me, so should be easy to strike a deal for Scotland or Nireland. SHOOK HANDS with their QUEEN, that everyone knows means a DEAL.”

In a subsequent tweet, the President said that one of the advantages of buying Scotland for the US was the relative ease of constructing a wall to keep out unwanted immigrants. “There’s already a WALL on its southern border, built by the Roman Emperor Hannibal. With repairs and help from my DRONES, Scotland can be made totally free from Muslim Mexican rapists.”

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Disagreement over US-Britain summit

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Analysts and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic are scrambling to discern the full meaning of the just concluded First Best Ever Special Relationship Summit.

It is generally agreed that the two summiteers – Ronald Dump, President of the United States, and Bro Jejune, Prime Minister of the Barely United Kingdom – both enjoyed themselves.

But as regards the two leaders’ mutual understanding, analysts express two conflicting views. One group says that the two leaders did not understand each other, and this fact is worrying. The other group says the leaders did not understand each other, and that this is probably fortunate.

The misunderstandings were many. Emblematic were the conflicting accounts of the state dinner, catered by MIC Burger, held on the night of PM Jejune’s arrival. White House Press Secretary Peaceful Gruesome told journalists that President Dump was the winner of the “friendly arm-wrestling contest” between the two leaders, while the BUK embassy reported that PM Jejune had won.

US Attorney General Woolly Barf has said he will appoint a special prosecutor to interview witnesses at the state dinner and determine who, if anyone, is telling the truth.

Other misunderstandings may not be so easily settled, particularly on the trade negotiations, which reportedly occupied several minutes of the two-day summit.

President Dump told several reporters in the White House Toad Garden, “It was the bigliest America First trade negotiation in history, WONDERFUL RESULTS for Americans. [The President has been taking voice lessons and has learned to speak in ALL CAPS that match his tweets.]

“Bro Jejune is very, very, very SMART, almost as SMART as ME and has agreed to buy lots of chickens and chlorine from American farmers and to sell British’s socialized doctors to a wonderful American pharmaceutical company, Opioid Condor.”

Back in London, PM Jejune gave a different account to parliamentarians, delivered via Twitter because Parliament has been prorogued ad Kalendas Graecas. The PM said President Dump had agreed to enter into “a multi-pronged and multi-dude bilateral free trade agreement with no backstop.” Economists and linguists are trying to determine whether this means the US joining the EU, or the abolition of the WTO.

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President announces plans for Greenland

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today announced that the United States has acquired Greenland as its newest territory. The President denounced as “fake news” reports that the government of Denmark had denied there was any agreement for the transfer of the island to the US.

Commenting to reporters from the eighth green at his Florida resort Mainly Loco, President Dump said, “I offered them a great price and they knew next time the price would be lower, so they agreed. That’s the whatchamacallit deal of the art.”

Asked what the price was, the President replied, “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t get where I am by paying promises. If they want the money, they’ll have to sue me, and I can always appoint more judges to the Supine Corpse.”

As a territory of the United States, Greenland “will have a greatly glorious future,” the President promised. Plans were already well under way for the construction of several resort and casino complexes, including Dump Glacier and Dump Arctic. “Building these greatly magnificent centers will provide jobs for the impoverished natives,” President Dump said, “and those who don’t work will be sent back to the shithole countries they came from.”

Development will include the construction of an island-girdling fence “to keep out Mexican rapists and foreign penguins.” Denmark would pay for the construction, but until the money comes through from Denmark, the fence will be paid for by diversion of funds appropriated by Congress for primary children’s school lunches.

The President added that Greenland would henceforth be known as the Dumpland Territory. He would shortly ask the Senate to admit Dumpland as the 51st state, with 37 electoral votes, before the 2020 presidential election. As for the House of Representatives, “I hope the Dems will do the right thing, but if not to hell with them. Dumpland will be the next state and its people love me.”

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