Venezuela recognizes other candidate as US President

CARACAS (Rooters agency) – In a move widely applauded in less economically developed parts of Africa, Asia, and Latin America, the Venezuela government today announced that it was withdrawing recognition of “usurper Ronald Dump” as President of the United States.

In an official statement, the Venezuelan Foreign Ministry said that Venezuela recognizes as “the legitimate President” of the United States Hermione N. Clement, the candidate whom Ronald Dump claims to have defeated in the US 2016 presidential election.

Dump seized the Presidency, the Venezuelan statement said, “even though the official count showed that candidate Clement had received almost 3 million more votes than Dump.” Dump had relied on “clearly anti-democratic measures that counted the votes of his supporters as more valuable than votes for the other candidate.”

Asked by reporters whether Venezuela’s position was weakened by the fact that Hermione N. Clement has not claimed the Presidency for herself, a Foreign Ministry spokesperson replied, “Her reticence is hardly surprising. Both before and after the election, Dump repeatedly threatened to jail Ms. Clement.

And he also publicly declared his intention to use tortures such as waterboarding and worse against ‘terrorists’ and to kill their children. Since he has accused Ms. Clement’s party of seeking to allow terrorists into the United States, it takes no stretch of the imagination to see the usurper using such measures against Ms. Clement and those who back her legitimate claim to the Presidency.”

While the Venezuelan announcement has received widespread public acclaim in the Third World, it it not clear how many governments will follow Venezuela’s lead on this question. In many of the countries where the US government is most despised, the local government was installed with the aid of Dump or one of his predecessors.

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Surprise result in ‘good Samaritan’ trial

ARIZONA (Rooters agency) – When Bernardo Littlehope and Madeline Velasco separately witnessed a severe traffic accident a little over a month ago, both responded without a thought for his/her own welfare.

Velasco pulled open the door of the damaged vehicle, which had already begun to burn, and dragged the driver to safety.

Littlehope meanwhile tended to the unconscious passenger, who had been thrown from the car, performing CPR that doctors later said had saved the injured man’s life.

When interviewed by reporters the next day, each of the rescuers acknowledged having understood that their action could result in their being charged under federal laws. However, they felt that their humanitarian behavior was justified, especially since both accident victims have only in the last few days recovered sufficiently to speak coherently.

When the two faced trial in federal court yesterday on charges of entering a public street, not within a pedestrian crossing and without a permit, the prosecutor had no difficulty in establishing that the two had in fact entered the roadway. Also, he presented photographic evidence that a water bottle, from which Velasco had provided a drink for the injured driver, was left behind in the road – a further offense.

The judge had actually begun pronouncing the guilty verdicts when he was interrupted by the prosecutor, who apologized profusely “for bringing to your attention previously unknown information.”

Your Honor,” the prosecutor explained, “when we brought these charges, we believed that both of the accident victims were undocumented migrants or would-be refugees. However, only days ago, both have recovered sufficiently to provide proof that they are in fact American citizens.”

Thank you,” said the judge, “for bringing to my attention this significant new evidence. Not guilty. Case dismissed.”

Posted in immigration, refugees | Leave a comment

Senate votes to abolish itself

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a unanimous vote, the US Senate today supported a Constitutional amendment to abolish itself.

The overwhelming vote (1-0 under the body’s arcane rules as to what can be voted on and by whom) was on a bill introduced by Majority Leader Mulch Gooddoggy. He said that his motion followed logically from his earlier unanimous (1-0) vote that the Senate would not consider any bill or resolution that was opposed by the President.

The Minority Leader, Senator Chuck Scammer, had responded to that remark by saying Gooddoggy’s position “raises the obvious question of why we would need to have a Senate at all.”

In a spirit of bipartisanship,” Gooddoggy replied, “I agree with my esteemed colleague’s observation,” and less than 24 hours later, he introduced his proposed amendment.

While it is believed that a large majority of the House of Representatives will support the amendment, it is not clear whether it could be ratified in time by three-fourths of the states in order to have it affect current politics.

However, unreliable sources in the White House report that President Ronald Dump has inquired about the possibility of ratifying Constitutional amendments by a Declaration of Emergency Executive Decree.

In possibly related news, Senator Gooddoggy has declined to comment on reports that the President has promised to create a Cabinet position called Secretary of the Senate.


[Know your government: Collectively, the Senate Majority and Minority Leaders are known as the “Chief Tweedles.]

Posted in US Constitution, US Senate | Leave a comment

President explains lack of concern about government shutdown

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “The shutdown doesn’t bother me bigly,” President Ronald Dump said today in an exclusive interview with Pox News.

It could go on for years, even until 2021,” the President said.

President Dump explained that he thought the closure of many government departments “mostly hurts Democrats.”

Asked for examples, he said, “If there’s no money from the government, how can we have elections in 2020?”

When the interviewer pointed out that elections for federal offices are actually conducted by the states, the President replied, “That’s probably fake news. But anyway, if there’s no appropriation for the Electoral College, it can’t meet to elect a new President.”

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Whales, sharks consider food question

PACIFIC OCEAN (Rooters Underwater agency) – Part of the upcoming Gathering of Sealife looks to be highly contentious, due to the proposal by some species and genera to impose a moratorium on the practice of hunting and eating Homo sapiens.

While the differences are often described as being based on genera or even orders of Sealife, the reality is that there are opposing views even within species. This, at least in part, reflects different experiences of contact with Homo sapiens, or humans.

For example, shark delegates arriving for the Gathering are quick to point out that the proposed moratorium, usually referred to as “the whale proposal,” is not supported by many whale pods, especially as it applies to particular groups of humans, such as those from Japan and Norway.

However, the pods behind the proposal argue that Sealife must look beyond the accidental interactions with humans in different places and recognize that humans – and perhaps even other Landthings – possess consciousness, possibly of a level near our own, and should therefore not be treated as a mere food source. As evidence, they cite the fact of humans sometimes attempting to help return to the sea numbers of whales who have accidentally stranded on land.

Sharks, and the whales who agree with them, argue that such seemingly helpful behavior by humans is simply a low-order semi-instinctive response. Those humans, they say, have enough brain power to realize that an entire dead pod would rot away before they could eat it all, so that whales they might catch and eat later should be pushed back into the water. But humans generally, they continue, show no consciousness of real Sealife welfare – or even the welfare of their own species. And they cite what we know about what humans do to each other.

The differing views do not seem to be likely to be compromised. A proposal by a minority of squid delegates, to approve the eating of humans only if they have died by drowning or some other non-intentional event, has received little support. And since Sealife seems to be fairly evenly divided on the proposal, a consensus at this Gathering seems unlikely.

Of course, eating or not eating humans is a fairly minor question among those being weighed at this Gathering. Few of the delegates would ever have eaten a human or have any desire to do so. Even one of the sharks opposing the proposal told Rooters Underwater: “I only ever ate one, and it was an accident; I thought it was a surfboard. Humans aren’t all that tasty. But eating them is a part of my culture.”

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President calls for new Electoral College

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today called for the establishment of an Electoral College to elect members of the House of Representatives.

Electoral College would stop illegal immigrants electing Congress,” the President tweeted. “If good enough for President, its [sic] good enough for Congress.”

The suggestion was immediately endorsed by ALEC, the American Lunacy Expansion Conspiracy. ALEC’s patrons, the Croc Brothers – believed to be the richest Americans of the 17th century – had invested several hundred million dollars backing conservative and ultraconservative candidates for Congress.

Unfairly,” an ALEC position paper declared, “much of that money was wasted.” The paper pointed out that “the nation’s highest judicial authority” – i.e. the Supine Corpse – in its well-known Citizens Devalued decision “ruled that dollars are at least as good as people. But that ruling is not completely reflected in our current election laws.”

ALEC called for quick passage of a Constitutional amendment to establish a House of Representatives Electoral College. (An electoral college for the Senate would not be necessary, it explained, because the body’s composition of two senators from each state, regardless of size, “has much the same result as would be produced by an Electoral College.”)

However, President Dump disagreed with ALEC’s proposal for a Constitutional amendment, tweeting, “It would take TOO LONG. I will do it by Executive Order.”

Posted in ALEC, elections, electoral college, US Congress | Leave a comment