President praises Syria agreement

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “Strategically brilliant!” “Pure genius!” “The biggest bestest thing that has ever happened in American foreign policy!”

With these words, President Ronald Dump offered his measured evaluation of his latest moves in regard to the Turkey-Syrian Kurds crisis.

The President was referring to the agreement that Vice President Mickey Tuppence and Secretary of State Dick Pillow had reached with Turkish leader Precept Bunyip Arrogan.

The agreement centers on a ceasefire between Turkish and US forces, which is expected to hold because these forces had not been firing on each other, aside from the occasional accidental Turkish artillery barrage when it appears that US troops are not getting out of the way quickly enough.

The Turkish Government has also agreed not to fire on any Kurds who leave the 5,000 or 6,000 square miles of northern Syria that Turkey intends to occupy, unless they get uppity.

“This will save millions of lives,” the President predicted. “Maybe billions. What a shame I wasn’t President in World War One, when the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor. I would have sent a letter and made a deal with that Hitler guy for peace in our time.”

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How The Ronald defeated the Devilcrats

From The Dump Dynasty: A Short History for High School Students, Godly Press, 2033:

With the blessings we enjoy today (the cause of the jealousy that makes the rest of the world hate us), it is too easy to forget the hardships endured by the Founding Dump, The Ronald, Blessed be His Name, to Make America Great.

When The Ronald set out to Make America Great, the leader of the country was called “the President” and was selected in an “election.” In the 2016 election, an overwhelming majority of Americans rejected all the Fake News and chose The Ronald as their leader. But the enemies of greatness, grouped in a party called the Devilcrats, constantly sought to undermine and overthrow the Chosen One.

In 2020, emboldened by the backing of the Fake News, the Devilcrats challenged The Ronald to a test of strength in another election. The Ronald knew that the enemies of greatness intended this as a trap, but, relying on his unmatched wisdom and stable genius, he accepted the challenge.

The Devilcrats selected their champion, who dared to confront The Ronald in a nationally televised debate. Midway through the debate, the Devilcrat champion was so evil as to accuse The Ronald of “lying.” Guided from On High, The Ronald saw this as the moment to strike down the enemies of greatness: he took out his pistol (which, under the Old System, he was authorized to carry under a regulation known as the Second Amendment) and shot the Devilcrat dead.

The Ronald’s bold defense of American Truth was warmly welcomed by all good Americans, but the Devilcrats, using the rules of the Old System, demanded that The Ronald be imprisoned – just as the Pharisees and Jews demanded that Jesus Christ be persecuted.

However, The Ronald, who had long before seen through the tricks of the enemies of greatness, had wisely installed as Attorney-General the sainted Willie Wagtail. And Attorney-General Wagtail rightly declared that, even under the Constitution of the Old System, it was sacrilege to seek to imprison the President.

Since their champion was dead, the Devilcrats had lost the election and The Ronald was re-elected (although the Faithful first had to block or discard the ballots of more than 23 million illegal Muslim Mexican invaders: see the next chapter). This fulfilled the 2016 prophecy of The Ronald: “I could shoot someone dead on Channel Five and still win the election.”

It was only through these challenges and ordeals that The Ronald was able to establish Great America and the blessings we enjoy today under Great Dumps Ivankilla and Jaded.

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Britain: Anarchy defeated

LONDON (Rooters agency) – As is well known by everyone, so we’re not sure why we still report it, the Barely United Kingdom descended into anarchy last week when the House of Commons voted no confidence in the government of Bro Jejune (a vote endorsed by his mother, who said, “I never could believe anything he said”) but then failed in every effort to elect a new government.

So the BUK no longer had a government: the very definition of anarchy.

The actual experience of anarchy, according to many people in the BUK interviewed by Rooters, was not nearly as terrible as they had been led to believe.

“It’s true the buses aren’t running on time,” said Gladys Dustbin, 35, of Liverpool. “But they didn’t run on time either when we had a government. And they’re more frequent now, and now I usually don’t have to pay.”

Quentin Churchright, 47, of Norwich, said he had expected that a lack of government would mean that “my children would be forced to worship a false god, or to commit other grievous sins. But I don’t have any children, so it’s hard to tell.”

Mary Contrary, 58, of West Upper Downgrade, judged:“Things aren’t too bad, but the price of bread is too high, and I would happily strangle the prime minister over it, if we still had a prime minister.”

Robin Sherwood, ageless, of Nottingham, had been involved for many years in a dispute over a small forest which he charged had been illegally clear felled by the Jonprince Corporation. Three days after the end of government, he said, the corporation announced it was withdrawing its defense in BUK courts (which had been abolished in any case) and “would pursue our interests with the assistance of US government sanctions and/or the Marines.”

This morning, as you have undoubtedly heard over the loudspeakers, anarchy has ended and the BUK Salvation Temporary Government has been installed. An election for a new Permanent Government will be held at an appropriate time. Until then, shut up.

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President rallies to defend Saudi Arabia

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Administration of President Ronald Dump is giving its full support to Saudi Arabia following the drone attacks that left several of the family’s oil refineries in flames.

In response to the attack, the Saud Crown Prince, Big Brother Muckup Bent Salamander, warned that it posed “a dangerous threat to the ability of sovereign families to dismember their underlings and to bomb defenseless civilians in neighboring territories.”

The Prince also said that it was “unmistakably clear that Iran was behind the attack. The evidence for this will be presented by our investigators just as soon as they finish proving that the unpleasantness in our Istanbul consulate was nothing but an unfortunate misunderstanding, for which we have executed all of the culprits below the rank of second cousin.”

Here, President Dump tweeted that he had had a great time during his 2017 visit to Riyadh and that the Sauds “are yuge friends of Great America, not like the FAKE NEWS Dems who want to let Muslim Mexican rapists burn our oil.”

The President added that he was eager to bomb anyone or anything suggested by Bent Salamander, but actual fireworks would have to wait until he had found a replacement for Hawk Incitatus, his recently fired National Somnambulist Advisor, so there would be somebody he could blame if things went wrong.

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G7 disagree with President on Russia

BIARRITZ (Rooters agency) – As expected, the leaders of the Gross Seven (G7) meeting here have disagreed with a proposal by President Ronald Dump to re-admit Russia to the group, making it once again the G8.

Russia was expelled from the group five years ago for “groping its neighbors.” This penalty, the US President argued, was “excessive.” Groping was “not so bad and mostly fake news. Just locker room talk really.”

According to a European diplomat who spoke on condition of anonymity, “Most of the other leaders insisted on this being a community of liberal democracies and for that reason they said you cannot allow [Russian President Vladitude] Buttinsky back in.”

Some of President Dump’s advisors, especially Hawk Incitatus, the President’s National Somnambulist Advisor, took particular exception to this argument. One White House insider said that Incitatus “pointed out that we don’t want to be part of any liberal community. In fact, we don’t want communities of any kind.

“And as for that democracy stuff – who needs it? The President agreed that ‘next the Europeans will be using it to say we don’t belong.’”

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London perplexed by US purchase offer

WASHINGTON and LONDON (Rooters agency) – Officials in the government of the Barely United Kingdom today appeared perplexed by the Twitter announcement of US President Ronald Dump that a deal was “almost completed” for the US to purchase Scotland and/or Northern Ireland.

“Haven’t heard of that,” said a Foreign Office official who asked to remain anonymous because he didn’t want to look like he was out of the loop. “But they want to stay in the EU, so I say let them go if the price is right.”

BUK Prime Minister Bro Jejune said he would answer any questions about the proposed purchase only to Parliament, whose next meeting the government was hoping to reschedule to coincide with the Brexit fifth anniversary celebrations on October 31, 2024.

In his tweet, President Dump contrasted his recent reception in the BUK with the cancellation of his planned state visit to Denmark. “Never really wanted Greenland, so won’t visit. In BUK they love me, so should be easy to strike a deal for Scotland or Nireland. SHOOK HANDS with their QUEEN, that everyone knows means a DEAL.”

In a subsequent tweet, the President said that one of the advantages of buying Scotland for the US was the relative ease of constructing a wall to keep out unwanted immigrants. “There’s already a WALL on its southern border, built by the Roman Emperor Hannibal. With repairs and help from my DRONES, Scotland can be made totally free from Muslim Mexican rapists.”

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Disagreement over US-Britain summit

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Analysts and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic are scrambling to discern the full meaning of the just concluded First Best Ever Special Relationship Summit.

It is generally agreed that the two summiteers – Ronald Dump, President of the United States, and Bro Jejune, Prime Minister of the Barely United Kingdom – both enjoyed themselves.

But as regards the two leaders’ mutual understanding, analysts express two conflicting views. One group says that the two leaders did not understand each other, and this fact is worrying. The other group says the leaders did not understand each other, and that this is probably fortunate.

The misunderstandings were many. Emblematic were the conflicting accounts of the state dinner, catered by MIC Burger, held on the night of PM Jejune’s arrival. White House Press Secretary Peaceful Gruesome told journalists that President Dump was the winner of the “friendly arm-wrestling contest” between the two leaders, while the BUK embassy reported that PM Jejune had won.

US Attorney General Woolly Barf has said he will appoint a special prosecutor to interview witnesses at the state dinner and determine who, if anyone, is telling the truth.

Other misunderstandings may not be so easily settled, particularly on the trade negotiations, which reportedly occupied several minutes of the two-day summit.

President Dump told several reporters in the White House Toad Garden, “It was the bigliest America First trade negotiation in history, WONDERFUL RESULTS for Americans. [The President has been taking voice lessons and has learned to speak in ALL CAPS that match his tweets.]

“Bro Jejune is very, very, very SMART, almost as SMART as ME and has agreed to buy lots of chickens and chlorine from American farmers and to sell British’s socialized doctors to a wonderful American pharmaceutical company, Opioid Condor.”

Back in London, PM Jejune gave a different account to parliamentarians, delivered via Twitter because Parliament has been prorogued ad Kalendas Graecas. The PM said President Dump had agreed to enter into “a multi-pronged and multi-dude bilateral free trade agreement with no backstop.” Economists and linguists are trying to determine whether this means the US joining the EU, or the abolition of the WTO.

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