Whales, sharks consider food question

PACIFIC OCEAN (Rooters Underwater agency) – Part of the upcoming Gathering of Sealife looks to be highly contentious, due to the proposal by some species and genera to impose a moratorium on the practice of hunting and eating Homo sapiens.

While the differences are often described as being based on genera or even orders of Sealife, the reality is that there are opposing views even within species. This, at least in part, reflects different experiences of contact with Homo sapiens, or humans.

For example, shark delegates arriving for the Gathering are quick to point out that the proposed moratorium, usually referred to as “the whale proposal,” is not supported by many whale pods, especially as it applies to particular groups of humans, such as those from Japan and Norway.

However, the pods behind the proposal argue that Sealife must look beyond the accidental interactions with humans in different places and recognize that humans – and perhaps even other Landthings – possess consciousness, possibly of a level near our own, and should therefore not be treated as a mere food source. As evidence, they cite the fact of humans sometimes attempting to help return to the sea numbers of whales who have accidentally stranded on land.

Sharks, and the whales who agree with them, argue that such seemingly helpful behavior by humans is simply a low-order semi-instinctive response. Those humans, they say, have enough brain power to realize that an entire dead pod would rot away before they could eat it all, so that whales they might catch and eat later should be pushed back into the water. But humans generally, they continue, show no consciousness of real Sealife welfare – or even the welfare of their own species. And they cite what we know about what humans do to each other.

The differing views do not seem to be likely to be compromised. A proposal by a minority of squid delegates, to approve the eating of humans only if they have died by drowning or some other non-intentional event, has received little support. And since Sealife seems to be fairly evenly divided on the proposal, a consensus at this Gathering seems unlikely.

Of course, eating or not eating humans is a fairly minor question among those being weighed at this Gathering. Few of the delegates would ever have eaten a human or have any desire to do so. Even one of the sharks opposing the proposal told Rooters Underwater: “I only ever ate one, and it was an accident; I thought it was a surfboard. Humans aren’t all that tasty. But eating them is a part of my culture.”

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President calls for new Electoral College

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today called for the establishment of an Electoral College to elect members of the House of Representatives.

Electoral College would stop illegal immigrants electing Congress,” the President tweeted. “If good enough for President, its [sic] good enough for Congress.”

The suggestion was immediately endorsed by ALEC, the American Lunacy Expansion Conspiracy. ALEC’s patrons, the Croc Brothers – believed to be the richest Americans of the 17th century – had invested several hundred million dollars backing conservative and ultraconservative candidates for Congress.

Unfairly,” an ALEC position paper declared, “much of that money was wasted.” The paper pointed out that “the nation’s highest judicial authority” – i.e. the Supine Corpse – in its well-known Citizens Devalued decision “ruled that dollars are at least as good as people. But that ruling is not completely reflected in our current election laws.”

ALEC called for quick passage of a Constitutional amendment to establish a House of Representatives Electoral College. (An electoral college for the Senate would not be necessary, it explained, because the body’s composition of two senators from each state, regardless of size, “has much the same result as would be produced by an Electoral College.”)

However, President Dump disagreed with ALEC’s proposal for a Constitutional amendment, tweeting, “It would take TOO LONG. I will do it by Executive Order.”

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President planning further changes to Constitution

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Following his issuing of an Executive Order canceling the 14th Amendment of the US Constitution, President Ronald Dump has indicated his intention to change or cancel several other Constitutional provisions.

Top of the list, the President said, is the First Amendment, which “isn’t up to the modern world.” The requirement for “freedom of the press” will therefore be modified to “freedom of the non-fake-news press.”

The Eighth Amendment is likely to be abolished entirely. As White House press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders explained, “It prohibits ‘cruel and unusual punishment.’ Some liberal lawyers say this means the President isn’t allowed to torture terrorists or kill their children. But the President was elected after promising to do both those things, so clearly the Eighth Amendment violates democracy.”

The Sixteenth Amendment (permitting an income tax), President Dump argued in a recent tweet, “allows the government to steal your money and my money, and then fake news media and Dems demand to know how much I paid. None of their business. END IT ALL.”

According to the President, there are problems, not only with many amendments, but also with the original articles of the Constitution. In Article 2, for example, the word “president” needs to be changed to “king,” and “vice president” to “anointed successor.”

He also sees no need for Article 1, “which talks about Congress. No need just duplication. They just do what I say anyway.”

It is expected that the Executive Orders making these changes will be tweeted in the next few days.

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President repels another invasion

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today claimed “unprecedented success” in repelling “another invasion” of the United States.

The President had declared a “victory bigger than World War Two or Vietnam” after he sent troops to the country’s southern border to counter several thousand refugees who were walking through southern Mexico, and the refugees continued walking through southern Mexico.

Today the President said that this victory has made it possible to turn back a new “invasion by Middle Eastern gangsters trying to disrupt our democratic elections.”

President Dump said he was calling out the National Guard to conduct inspections at polling stations to ensure that all voters were “real Americans, not refugee terrorists who snuck in using the 14th Amendment.”

White House press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders denied that “illegal voters” found by the National Guard inspectors would immediately be jailed, or worse. “The most that could happen is that they would be deported – unless they resist violently, of course.”

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Halloween: ‘Too much horror’

CHICAGO (Rooters agency) – “It’s too much. Halloween horror is supposed to be a joke. This is too real.” With these words, a national ad hoc coalition of parents groups, psychiatrists, psychologists, educators, and other concerned citizens has launched a call for an immediate ban on a new Halloween mask that it calls “beyond horrible.”

Speaking at the launch, psychologist Dr Joseph Blodge warned that children could be permanently traumatized from encounters with the mask. “Children don’t have enough experience or understanding to deal with a horror like this,” he said. “Indeed, even many adults would be terrified by it.”

However, a spokesperson for the National Alliance of Retailers said he thought the call for a ban was unnecessary. “I’ve done spot checks across the country about this mask. No one is buying it.”

The mask.

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Verily credible

Yes, verily credible. A fight. Because he was a fake news journalist. And a cover-up for Bezos Amazon cheating the Post Office.

So when he went into the consultant and saw these guys who didn’t like his fake news, he got angry. Because all of them disagreed with him, 15 out of 15. No one agreed with him about Amazon. Or anything.

So he was an angry enemy of the people and body slammed them all. They had to defend themselves. Self-defense. Everyone’s right to self-defense. Cut off his fingers because he might have pulled out a gun and shot them all. They couldn’t know if he had a gun. Or a bomb or something. And teach him not to start fights.

So an accident really. And his own fault. So they got scared people might blame them, and they hid the body. And they said he had left the consultant, which also was credible. People do come in and then they leave. And he wasn’t there any more. There was an investigation, and they couldn’t find him. No bits at all. Verily credible.

His own fault really. If he hadn’t gone there and started a fight, he’d be okay. Why didn’t he just write fake news about them if he was angry?

But also partly blame on that General. CIA picked him out, no problem. General Ahmed al-Falguy. We told the son of the King, the Big Brother, Muckup Bent Salamander. We told him: that’s the guy, that General. He should have restrained those 15 other guys. When he heard they were going to Instantbul to protect the consultant, he should have told them: Don’t be provoked, turn the other cheek, like in the Bible.

So there will be consequences. I said there will be severe consequences. And there will be. Al-Falguy could be demoted to Colonel. What more does the fake media want?

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President offers FBI help on missing journalist

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has offered Turkey and Saudi Arabia the services of the FBI to investigate what he called the “mysterious disappearance” of a dissident Saudi journalist.

In an interview with Pox News, the President said, “Now they’ve finished clearing Justice Cattlecar from false fake news exaggerations of what never happened, the FBI can send those same investigators to solve the mysterious disappearance of that journalist. They’re very experienced in how to do these kinds of things.

Because you know he was a reporter and people hate enemies of the people, so there are lots of people who might have killed him. So I have asked the FBI to be ready to send investigators to ask Saudi Big Brother Muckup Bent Salamander if he did it, and I know he is very trustworthy and he has strongly denied it. In fact, when I was sword dancing with him on my hugely successful visit to his country last year, already even then he denied doing it.”

If the journalist was in fact dead, President Dump suggested, he might have accidentally fallen into a rabbit hole inside the consulate and then been killed by rogue assistants of the Queen of Tarts.

But you can be sure that we are not going to go along with the Dems and their guilty until proven innocent. If it’s Muckup Bent Salamander, or Brash Cattlecar, or even me, the President elected with the bigliest vote ever and the number at the inauguration too, we’re going to stick with the Constitutional principle of innocent if you haven’t confessed.

The Dems may object to that, but I say, ‘Lock ’em up!’”

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