President announces unusual lawsuit

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has filed a lawsuit that may break new legal ground, saying that it is defamatory and untrue that he fired FBI Director James Comfy because the latter was heading an investigation into possible collusion between the Russian Government and the Dump presidential election campaign.

“Witch hunt UNTRUE SLANDER. I never did that. OR ANYTHING so shut up. OR YOU’LL BE SORRY,” the President tweeted yesterday morning.

Half an hour later, he followed with: “My lawyer will sue over witch hunt accusation that Russia thing was behind firing of Comfy slimeball.”

Today, when President Dump’s attorney Mick Clobber filed the paperwork asking for $150 million as compensation for “egregious nasty witch-hunt slimy false accusations,” reporters were surprised to discover that the main defendant, who had allegedly made the charges “on national NBC television and to foreign diplomats,” was one Ronald Dump.

Attorney Clobber acknowledged that it was “unusual” for someone to sue himself, but there was nothing in the Constitution that prohibited it, and “if you keep asking smart alec questions, I can find out where you live.”

It is not completely clear whether Clobber will represent both the plaintiff and the defendant when the case comes to trial. It may not go to trial, however, because he indicated that Plaintiff Dump was amenable to a settlement, in which the compensation for Defendant Dump’s words would be paid by the US Government, since Defendant Dump was a Government official when he made the defamatory remarks.

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International action against chemical weapons planned

(Rooters agency) – An informal international coalition is preparing military action to punish and deter the use of chemical and/or radioactive weapons against civilian populations.

US Defense Secretary Jimminy Maddog, responding to criticism that the coalition was proceeding too slowly following the use of such weapons, said he believed chemical weapons had been used, but “we are looking for evidence” on who was responsible.

But French President Imminent Macro said, “We have proof that chemical weapons have been used, and it is clear who is responsible.”

In London, the cabinet of Barely United Kingdom Prime Minister Tiramisu Might was reported to be uncertain as to whether it would ask for approval from Parliament before joining in military action. Might is said to have told colleagues that such approval is “an important democratic tradition that should be respected unless MPs might vote the wrong way.”

The international Organization for the Prevention of Some Countries’ Weapons (OPSCW) has not issued an official statement, but off the record, several leading scientists have said it is “unquestionable” that white phosphorus and depleted uranium have repeatedly been used against civilians in Iraq and other parts of the Middle East by the United States and its allies.

However, France and the BUK may not need to bomb the Pentagon, because US President Ronald Dump is reported ready to support trials of the US officials responsible, provided that defendants are confined to the administrations of Presidents Dubbya and Africa.

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Model application to teach

Name:

Address:

Age:

Sex (if not unmistakable from name):

Teaching position being applied for:

Weapons Proficiency

Hand guns. Hand guns with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Long guns. Long guns with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Semi-automatic weapons. Semi-automatic weapons with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Automatic weapons. Automatic weapons with which you are qualified and are licensed to carry (Please include any marksmanship rating):

Any other defensive skills, e.g. knife throwing, tasering, asphyxiating gas dispersal, psychokinetic strangulation (There is no need to include skills with weapons whose use normally involves obliteration of an area larger than a city block or that require means of delivery not normally available to school districts):

Previous Experience

Schools at which you have previously taught. If weapons you carried there were different from those listed above, please explain:

Instances where you have used any of the above in a school setting (include any subsequent court rulings on such use):

Instances where you have used any of the above in a non-school setting (include any subsequent court rulings on such use):

Threat Perception

Formal qualifications in judging threats and their severity (including police training in radicalization observation):

Any informal qualifications in the above area (This includes practical experience, such as perceiving and countering threats, and how they were killed. It might also include successful perception of early signs of potential radicalization, provided this can be documented by police/court records):

Other

Other qualifications that might be found useful (It will be an advantage for applicants to have some knowledge or experience relevant to the area of instruction of the position applied for):

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The strange events after US-North Korea summit

[Excerpted from The Decline and Fall of the Gringo Empire (English translation), by Professor Basta de Pendejadas, Caracas and Kinshasa, 2037.]

Historians have long disagreed about the second strangest event of 2018. But there is virtual unanimity that the strangest event by far was the aftermath of the United States-North Korea summit.

The meeting between US President T. Ronald Dump and North Korean Chairman of Everything Kim Jung-il Jim surprised the world when it was first announced, but the actual encounter between the two leaders was fairly predictable. There was a lot of flexible firmness and firm flexibility on both sides, a number of colorful photo ops, and then agreement to have any further details negotiated between the two sides’ diplomats. (The start of these negotiations was delayed when the US realized it would need to re-employ some diplomats.)

Only long after the two leaders’ simultaneous departures for their respective homes was it learned that security forces of both sides had quickly suppressed all news and especially any visual evidence of the embarrassment of both leaders’ wigs sent flying by a sudden strong gust of wind.

President Dump had scheduled a press conference in Washington for the day following his return, and journalists attending were pleasantly surprised – some said “stunned” or “amazed” – to discover that the President’s replies to questions consisted of coherent English sentences that conveyed meaning.

Much of the content of those answers was also surprising. For example, “North Korea has never threatened anyone, but it feels a clear need to deflect the threats of US military action.” And, “North Korea does not conduct military exercises in Mexico. Why should the United States conduct military exercises in South Korea?”

However, reporters were unable to pursue follow-up questions because the conference was quickly closed when it was reported that North Korea had just launched several ICBMs on a trajectory that might take them toward US territory.

Luckily, before the US had launched retaliation, it was realized that the missiles were in fact headed into outer space. About one-fourth of the way to the moon, they set off a spectacular fireworks display. The North Korean government issued a statement that the fireworks had been “ordered by the Chairman to show the world the kind of fire and fury we could unleash if it doesn’t behave.”

Over subsequent days, Washington politicians reported – off the record – that the President had become much easier to deal with. While he still sometimes shouted “Off with his head!” regarding people who displeased him, he had become much more reasonable and consistent: whether you were in his good books or bad books, you stayed there unless there was a real reason to change your assignment.

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang, the alarming purges of the past appeared to have ceased. The official newspaper Running Simpering quoted the Chairman as saying, “I really like the way things are going here. It’s great. No contradicting me. Wonderful.”

Still, it wasn’t until several days later that the truth began to dawn, most obviously when the “Chairman” told an official North Korean banquet, “Ages since the Russian stuff. Guess the Dems’ fake news have given up. Lock her up.”

At almost the same time, “President Dump,” attending a ceremony to commemorate the Boston Tea Party by dumping Chinese steel into Boston Harbor, replied in Korean to the shouted question of a journalist.

As was soon discovered, in the confusion when the two leaders’ wigs were blown off as they departed their summit meeting, the wigs had been returned to the wrong leader. Hence President Dump, now with black hair, was bundled by security forces onto the North Korean plane, and Chairman Kim Jung-il Jim, now sporting an orange mop, was hurried into Air Force One. Like their subordinates, neither leader realized the mistake that had been made.

If it took authorities on both sides too long to figure out what had gone wrong, they were remarkably quick in reaching the best solution. Both leaders freely acknowledged that they liked their new situation, and influential people in both capitals generally agreed that things had also improved for them. As for the general population, in both countries they seemed not to have noticed any difference, or if they had, they didn’t care.

And so, it was decided to leave things as they were. Except for one modification: the new “Chairman” insisted that he must still have the right to collect contributions to his 2020 re-election campaign.

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Playwright’s heirs sue President

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In an unprecedented legal case, descendants of William Shakespeare have filed a plagiarism suit against President Ronald Dump and unnamed “co-conspirators in the United States Executive and Congress.”

The President and others are accused of unlawfully “appropriating and replicating, without attribution,” some of the plaintiffs’ famous ancestor’s “observations, themes, and descriptions.”

The suit focuses most attention on Shakespeare’s play Macbeth. It claims that the Dump White House has – deliberately or carelessly – “appropriated and imitated to the full” Macbeth’s sorrowful description of life: “It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Legal experts suggest that the White House would be wise to settle out of court, especially while there is still a possibility that the government might pay for the settlement.

However, it is likely that the plaintiffs will drive a hard bargain. They might be expecting an opportunity for a future suit against Congress over the play Julius Caesar, because there may be an Et tu, Brute situation lurking in the wings.

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Administration says maybe armed teachers not needed

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a surprise development, the White House appears to be retreating from President Ronald Dump’s call for teachers to be armed to defend schoolchildren from harm during any of the country’s semiweekly mass slaughters.

A day ago, President Ronald Dump told a meeting of state governors that, if he happened to be next to a high school and heard gunfire, “I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon and the bone spurs in my feet hurt and I’d win the Congressional Medal of Honor for hitting that shooter with fuzzy and feist like he’s never known even if it wasn’t a Muslim or a North Korean.”

The President didn’t address the question of how he would distinguish the sounds of a gun fired by a mass murderer from one fired by a teacher or authorized keeper of the peace annoyed by unruly students. However, today a White House insider who spoke on condition of anonymity suggested that the administration has decided to skirt that issue by proposing that children be defended, not by armed teachers, but by “volunteers who share the President’s courage.”

The insider said the President believes he has more than enough supporters “who want to make America grate again” that it would be easy to find the required number of volunteers. To get the ball rolling, prominent members of the Administration might become very visible volunteer school defenders initially.

The President himself probably couldn’t spare the time from his busy tweeting schedule, but he was thinking of deputizing to act for him Jeff Symptoms, who the President said “isn’t doing anything useful against this Russian thing anyway.” He is also thinking of having family members volunteer, saying, “Maybe Vankilla and Jaded could get some good publicity for once.”

However, the insider added that some of President Dump’s advisors are trying to get him to deal with potential problems before rushing ahead with the program. For instance, would it really help the program’s public image if Dump Supporters like former Senate candidate Rabid Morbid was photographed roaming high school hallways among 15-year-old girls? even if their mothers agreed?

Rooters asked the insider whether the volunteers would all be unarmed. “Who knows?” he replied. “The President has said he wants an end to gun-free zones in schools. So, if the volunteers have bought a gun legally, why not take it along?”

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President responds to latest mass killing

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “We’re Number One! NUMBER ONE!” the President tweeted this morning. “USA! USA! Better than anyone!”

Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders later told reporters that, while she couldn’t be certain, it appeared that President Dump was referring to the latest statistics on mass shootings of civilians, which revealed that in 2018 the United States was again leading the rest of the world.

It was true that the USA had led in this area even before President Dump took office, but he was proud of the fact the nation’s lead had increased significantly in his first year.

The President is said to believe that “guns go off sometimes,” and that the number of casualties is therefore a rough but reliable indication of the number and distribution of guns. Further, since gun ownership is a measure of a people’s freedom, mass killings are likewise a measure of a country’s degree of freedom. And certainly no one can dispute that, by this measure, the US is the freest country in the world.

Questioned by reporters, Slanders said that she thought the President was opposed, at least today, to proposals to prohibit psychopaths from purchasing military-grade weapons. She said that President Trump had been heard to declare, “Barry’s right on,” after watching a televised speech by Barry Bogus III, the president of the National Weapons Association, delivered to the NWA’s annual general klavern.

In that talk, Bogus vigorously defended “the constitutional right of the mentally deranged” to carry as much firepower as they needed to make them feel secure.

He pointed out that the constitution doesn’t ban mentally deranged people from holding office, so it made no sense ban them from owning rapid-fire weapons, which can’t cause nearly as much damage as an office holder can cause just by doing nothing.

Slanders said that President Dump found Bogus’ logic on this question unchallengeable.

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