Economic analysis: Go long on shooting

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – Around the world, share prices of defense industry corporations have jumped dramatically following US President Ronald Dump’s remarks to the summit meeting here of NETO (Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization).

Dump took other participants in the summit by surprise. They had expected him to propose that NETO commandos conduct a training raid on Washington to remove some troublesome investigators. Instead, the US President proposed that all NETO members increase their military spending to 4 percent of GDP.

As a number of industry accountants quickly figured out, if followed, this proposal would result in the combined defense expenditures of the 29 NETO countries nearly equaling or surpassing the current military spending of the entire world.

What more could we ask for?” the accountants exclaimed, to which their respective boards of directors replied, “We’re working on that.”

More cautious investors have indicated doubts as to whether the other NETO countries will accede to the US proposal. However, a White House insider has told Rooters that the President has mentioned a possible alternative plan if the other NETO members refuse to come to the party.

Apparently, Dump was recently informed by his national security advisor, Hawk Incitatus, that North Korea probably leads the world in military spending as a percentage of GDP. Indeed, a 2005 study, probably still accurate, by the RAND Corporation (Radioactive Ninjas and Destroyers) estimated that North Korea was spending 25-30 percent of its GDP on defense.

That’s the spirit we need!” the President shouted on hearing the figure. “Get my friend Kim Jung-il Jim on the phone! North Korea has to be a member of NETO!”

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US offers olive branch to Kim

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Secretary of State Dick Pompous this week held out an olive branch to the North Korean regime of Kim Jung-il Jim.

Following his visit to Pyongyang, where Pompous discovered that the North Korean leader hadn’t heard about the agreements that President Ronald Dump announced he had made with Kim, Pompous sought to persuade the North Koreans that they should sign on the dotted line and trust the US to fill in the details later.

When a country decides to create a brighter future for itself alongside the United States, we follow through on our promises,” Pompous declared. “For example, Libya agreed to complete denuclearization, and ever since we arranged for that Qaddafi fellow to be tortured to death, Libya has been a … No, scratch that. Think of Vietnam instead.

Vietnam has had a brighter future, and a brighter present, since 1975. We promised them billions of dollars for rebuilding bits of what we had bombed, and we might actually have given them the money if they hadn’t gotten uppity and kicked our ass out.

Still, they’re doing pretty well since they stopped shooting at us when we left, and the lesson of that is that … well, I guess I’ll let the President explain that.”

Posted in Libya, North Korea, nuclear weapons, Vietnam War | Leave a comment

White House statement on killing of journalists

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – On behalf of President Ronald Dump, who was busy tweeting, White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders today issued a strong statement on the murder of five employees of a Maryland newspaper:

Strongly condemn the evil act of senseless violence in Annapolis, MD. A violent attack on enemies of the American people doing their job is an attack on every American. Our prayers are with the victims and their friends and families.”

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Justices uphold Nixon Doctrine

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A majority of the US Supine Corpse has broken new judicial ground, in part by channeling a former President.

In its decision upholding President Ronald Dump’s right to ban from entering the country anyone he doesn’t like, the Corpse in effect endorsed the well-known argument of former President Richard Nixon, “If the President does something, it’s not illegal.”

However, the justices did appear to impose some restriction on what is already being called the “Nixon Precedent” or “Nixon Doctrine,” by indicating that the President needed to justify his action with some reference to “national security.”

At the same time, some legal scholars say the ruling may actually extend Nixon’s claim with the corollary, “If the President says something, it’s true.”

President Dump welcomed the ruling with both tweet and deed. Promptly traveling to New York City, he stepped out into the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot dead a passing pedestrian.

It’s a matter of national security,” the President said. “I thought he looked like a Muslim.” New York Police said they saw no need to investigate.

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President jailed on his own recommendation

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump was today removed from office and jailed, on his own recommendation.

After learning of Dump’s proposal that trials and judges be done away with in cases where guilt was clear in his mind, Cabinet and Congress immediately realized that this applied to Dump himself, whose behavior clearly showed that he was well aware of his own guilt. His incoherent objections only hastened the process.

It is not immediately clear whether Vice President Mickey Tuppence will be sworn in as the new President or jailed along with Dump. It is reported that a minority of Congress and Cabinet are arguing that Tuppence should be spared on the unlikely ground that Dump might have been unaware of Tuppence’s character and record.

A more long-term issue is whether the Dump Doctrine will be applied generally. It seems possible that the country’s relief at Dump’s removal could lead to the complete replacement of courts and judges by the jailing or execution of anybody accused by anyone, especially if nearly everyone knew they were guilty.

It is particularly difficult to know how this issue will be resolved, because it is reported that a very large number of members of the Government and Congress have fled the country.

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Space Force

[From a speech recorded at a political rally.]

We’re in the middle of a galaxy. An absolutely hugely huge galaxy, probably the biggest galaxy there has ever been and never will be.

It’s full of aliens. Aliens. If we let them in, they will vote for Democrats, they already voted for her. Big green monsters. Jabba Hutch. Rapists. We don’t want competition from alien rapists. We have to keep them out. Out. Way out. Maybe past the Sun. Or the Moon.

So we need a Space Force.

Barack Africa didn’t do it. Wimpy Shrubs didn’t do it. Hermione N. Clement wouldn’t lock ’em up. Nobody did it yet. Not even Eisenhower – German name, he might have been working for that woman immigrant lover. Nobody but me is willing and smart enough and rich enough to keep out all the alien rapists.

If aliens want to stay at my hotel, I will charge them double. Or triple. And they can’t come in.

I will stop them with Space Force. Space Force will defend our borders. No flying saucers. If flying saucers try to infest our country, BAM! Space Force blows them out of the water. Like in that movie. John Wayne, Indians.

In Space Force we need Space Cadets. Like before President Camelot, I remember, Tom Corbett, Space Cadet hero. Very like me. Except he didn’t have a rich father. Strange. I knew a few like that at college. Uppity. Thought they were smarter. Then why did they had poor fathers?

Tom Corbett always stands and puts hand on heart for the national anthem. Space Cadets must honor the flag, every day, 24/7.

But Tom Corbett was a good man. Like me. He fought all the aliens. I could have but I had bone spurs. Huge bone spurs. Huger bone spurs than Tom Corbett or anyone.

We need now more Tom Corbetts Space Cadets. We should have Space Cadet Academy, like West Point Annapolis. Let’s call it Tom Corbett Space Force Academy. Or Me and Tom Corbett Space Force Academy. So all those alien rapists know that we’re strong, especially if I get the Nobel Prize for Space. Then they’ll think twice about infesting us.

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Government vanishes into flying saucer

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Flying saucers from the Galactic Center today removed President Dump and large parts of the government of the United States. The aliens issued a statement of explanation:

We apologize to the inhabitants of this planet, and especially to those in the part known as the United States, for our misguided experiment.

Having observed your planet for several decades, our robotic probes proposed that we assist the solution of your problems by inserting a number of fake human beings into the White House, Congress, and judicial system.

It was our view and hope that the misbehavior of these fake human beings would provoke broad popular revulsion that would lead to serious attempts to solve the problems that your species seems to like to inflict on itself and those around it.

Unfortunately, this has not been the result; the provocations have been allowed to continue and appear to becoming more acceptable. We are therefore removing the fake human beings that infested your government before they cause further harm.

Experiments are like that. If you were certain how they would turn out, there would be no need to conduct them. But we apologize for the disruption we have caused and promise that we will not interfere again. It’s up to you now.

Signed: Galactic Center.

P.S. It’s not true that the dolphins are ours. You’ll have to look out for them.”

[Editor’s note: Rooters regrets having to acknowledge that the above dispatch is fake news. We have never done this before, but our reporters were getting so depressed by reality that we let them make up good news just once.]

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