Iran misunderstands US demand

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The administration of President Ronald Dump has been working overtime in an effort to “correct an unfortunate misunderstanding.”

The misunderstanding arose when Secretary of State Dick Pompous told a press conference that President Dump was ready to engage in talks with the Iranian government only when Iran behaved “like a normal nation.”

“Let’s take them at their word,” Iranian President Hassan Rubaiyat reportedly told a meeting of his cabinet. “Presumably they regard themselves as normal. So Pompous is telling us to act like them.”

Of course, the Iranians realized that they lacked the resources to achieve the full normality of the United States, but they began doing their best to imitate the model. First came the annexation of approximately 40% of neighboring Turkmenistan. “Nothing personal,” read their message to the Turkmenistan government as Iranian troops poured across the border, “but we have a manifest destiny that involves as much of the Caspian Sea as we can get.”

When Azerbaijan, which also borders the Caspian Sea, was reported to be seeking foreign backing against possible Iranian claims, President Rubaiyat announced the Rubaiyat Doctrine, which said that Iran would oppose any foreign involvement in Caspian affairs, “and Russia has promised to back us.”

At the same time, Iran reportedly began sending sizable secret funds to a number of political parties in Europe and South America, in an effort to ensure that future governments in selected countries would be favorable to Iran.

Proposals for the establishment of Iranian military bases in southern British Columbia, Ontario, and northern Mexico are being discussed with the Canadian and Mexican governments. An Iranian naval flotilla, including an aircraft carrier, two battleships, and submarines armed with tactical nuclear weapons, is preparing to conduct a “freedom of the seas operation” by sailing through the Straits of Florida.

“That’s not what we meant!” Secretary Pompous told an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council. “We are the abnormal nation. Normal nations are the rest of you, the ones we do it to.”

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President defends intervention in British PM race

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – US President Ronald Dump today declared that there was “no confusion” if he endorsed one – or more – of the candidates for Prime Minister of the Barely United Kingdom.

Some commentators had suggested that it was a bit unusual for the President to use his visit to Japan as a platform to endorse Bro Jejeune and Nutty Fallow, leading candidates to become BUK Prime Minister, now or sometime soon. Wasn’t the selection of their PM best left up to the people – or at least the Parliament – of the country that would have to endure him/her?

President Dump denounced such views as “Democrat fake analysis.” The United States had always interfered as much as possible in other countries’ selection of their governments, he tweeted, “and I’m not going to stop that Wonderful Tradition that President Abraham Lincoln estalbished in the Marilyn Monroe Doctorine in 1776.”

On the President’s instruction, Attorney General Woolly Barf has declassified 4,238 pounds of documents detailing US interventions, ranging from candidate funding to outright invasion, in nearly every country in the world. “If there are some countries missing from the list,” Mr. Barf said, “that means we’ve been exonerated.”

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Why US tech company cut supply to China

LOWMIND PARK, CA (Rooters agency) – The US technology giant Gobble has announced that it will cease providing crucial update information to one of its customers, the Chinese telecoms company Hayway Technologies.

Hayway’s phones use Gobble’s operating system Ambiguous. Updates are important because Gobble, like all major technology companies, supplies software that is full of badly written code, not to mention advertiser promotions, spyware and ##@79k&*^dk+@*^dk@drone $extreme prejudice##@##@repeat $extreme prejudice##@

A lack of access to updates correcting such problems will make Hayway’s telephones less attractive to potential customers, so that Hayway’s previous expenditures on Gobble technology are essentially wasted money. Or, in the standard motto of US business: “There’s one born every minute.”

At Gobble headquarters, a spokesrobot said that Gobble’s decision was based on the fact that Hayway’s activities are subject to Chinese government orders, which meant that the Chinese government might be able to spy on Hayway’s phone users.

Explaining his order that led to Gobble’s decision, President Ronald Dump tweeted: “If we let the chinks into our system, they might steal our secrets, such as …” [Rooters has been prevented by a court order under national security legislation from printing the rest of the tweet. It is not clear whether that order is enforceable in China or other countries.]

Reporters asked the spokesrobot whether this decision suggested that Gobble itself was subject to government direction. “Not at all,” the spokesrobot replied. “Gobble would never turn over user information to the Chinese government. Or do anything else the Chinese government told us to do.”

In a possibly related development, a large number of US computer chip manufacturers have, as they announced in a joint statement, “independently and freely decided” to stop supplying chips to Hayway “because we can’t produce enough chips for our current customers – of which Hayway used to be one but isn’t any more.” The State Department declined to “comment on this voluntary and wonderfully patriotic decision.”

Gobble’s main competitors, Macrostuff and Macramé, indicated that they would back its decision. A joint statement from the two said: “In the end, customers have the option: do they want to be spied on by some non-Caucasian foreigners, or by their very own American government?”

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London aligns with US on Iranian threat

LONDON (Rooters agency) – The government of the Barely United Kingdom has quickly realigned itself with the US administration of Ronald Dump over what the latter regards as an “increased Iranian threat.”

Earlier in the week, the US and the BUK views appeared to diverge when a top BUK general replied to reporters’ questions by saying, “What threat? We’re bigger than them, and they know it.”

However, today Foreign Secretary Jeremy Blunt said the two countries were in total agreement. “We share 100% the US analysis of the increased Iranian threat, and as soon as Washington tells us what that analysis consists of, we will be instituting measures to counter the threat.”

Rooters reporters addressed the US Embassy here with the question whether the Iranian threat included sending an aircraft carrier to the coast of Florida and establishing military bases in Mexico or the Bahamas. An Embassy spokesperson replied, “We haven’t heard anything yet from Washington about that. However, it seems highly likely that the armies of illegal migrants invading across our southern border include large numbers of Iran’s Revolutionary Guards.”

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Insider on Democratic dilemma of many candidates

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – As the number of announced candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination continues to rise exponentially, the Democratic Nomination Controller (DNC) is working overtime to find a formula for conducting candidate debates.

The number of candidates is a real problem. As one DNC insider pointed out, “If there are only a few candidates, you just put them all in the same debate and then leak the questions to the one you want. But if there are 67 candidates and the debate is only an hour, they get less than a minute each, and how do you make your ‘Hillary’ stand out in a situation like that?”

The insider’s example of 67 candidates may underestimate the difficulty. According to some reports, the number of candidates may soon exceed the number of registered Democratic voters in smaller states.

As the DNC insider points out, it appears that the main motivation causing politicians (from school board member upward) to throw their hats into the ring is their belief that they could beat President Ronald Dump. “But 60% of the US population think they could do that without trying, and 75 to 80% think they could do it if trying was allowed.

“If even a tiny fraction of that 60% decide to compete, you’ll have hundreds of thousands, even millions, of candidates in every primary. How can we be expected to rig that?”

And even bigger questions are posed, according to the insider: “If that many people thought they could do what politicians can (but almost never) do, and decided to just do it themselves, we might end up with no primaries – or even elections – at all.”

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Notre Dame fire sparks market rally

ROME (Rooters agency) – The indulgences market is experiencing a record boom as the business world reacts to the burning of the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. At present, the proceeds of all indulgence sales are being dedicated to the reconstruction.

In an unusual appearance, Pope Frankie John Paul Mark II rang the market’s opening bell this morning, thus assuring investors of papal support for the rapid rise, which had begun the moment investors realized that the cathedral was not insured against the disaster.

Corporations around the world, but especially in Europe, have bid hundreds of millions of euros for the rebuilding.

Several multinationals, which asked to remain anonymous, have allowed employees to share in the holy effort by instituting across-the-board wage reductions. It was not immediately clear whether the indulgences purchased in this fashion would apply to the employees concerned.

In response to Rooters’ query as to whether reconstruction of the cathedral would include the installation of sprinklers or other automatic fire retardant systems, the Vatican press office replied, “The Church relies, not on human science, but on the Grace of God.”

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Ecuadorian President seeks new name

QUITO (Rooters agency) – Ecuador’s President Lenin Momento has announced a national competition to choose him a new, more suitable, given name.

After ejecting Julian Assange from his refuge in the Ecuadoran embassy in London, President Momento told reporters, “It’s a clear and important move, but you can never be sure that US President Dump understands anything.

“My name might still give him the wrong impression. Lenin was a very vocal anti-imperialist. So I recognize the need for a change.”

A reporter who tried to ask a question about Vladimir Lenin’s attitude to transparency and corruption was quickly escorted from the press conference, apparently without serious injuries.

Ecuadorian citizens have already begun to respond to the President’s request for suggestions for his new name. Among the early entries, the leaders appear to be Batista, Somoza, and Ivanka.

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