Message from space translated

UNITED NATIONS HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – The UN Secretary-General has released the provisional translation of the mysterious message that arrived from space last week.

Nearly everyone on Earth has by now seen a video of the apparent “meteor” hurtling towards the UN building, then abruptly halting its descent before slowly descending to the roof of the building. The titanium scroll inside the small space vehicle was immediately turned over to the world’s most accomplished linguists, who were aided in their task of translation by a number of pictures labeled in the aliens’ script.

The results of the translation effort were today released in the UN’s official languages. This is the text of the English translation:

To the inhabitants of planet Earth:

We apologize. Although the damage we have done was unintentional, we were neglectful of our responsibility to protect you from the small number of evildoers among us.

Although our civilization is a million years older than yours, there still exist among us a few equivalents of the mad scientists we have enjoyed observing in some of your motion pictures. One of these, who was particularly devious and secretive, was able to evade our rule of not interfering in other planets, a misdeed that we have only recently discovered.

Several decades ago, our mad scientist secretly sent to your planet a bionic robot in the form of a human being. This robot was programmed to create disruption and discord wherever it went. It was to convince human beings that what they know is really false and that the most ridiculous nonsense is true. Our mad scientist wanted the robot to create hatred and violence everywhere among you and to destroy the natural environment on which you depend for life.

Unfortunately, our rules of non-interference prevent us sending a space vessel to remove that troublesome robot from your planet. (Even sending this message required a special dispensation to relax our rules.) But we are confident that, now that we have alerted you, you will be able quickly to identify the robot and disable it.

In coming years, when your space travel abilities have increased such that you can pay us a visit, we will instruct our mad scientist personally to apologize for the harm he has caused you. His name is Covfefe.

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Administration plans further peace moves

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Buoyed by its success in putting an end to the long-running wars between Israel and the United Arab Emirates and Israel and Bahrain, the Administration of President Ronald Dump is launching further peace offensives.

“Peace in that big place over there is important too,” the President is reported to have told his Cabinet, apparently referring to Asia. He then appointed Presidential Son-in-Law Jaded Kumquat as his Special Envoy to negotiate peace between Mongolia and Nepal. The negotiations will be conducted via Zoom, the President decreed, “so that China can’t listen in on Highway.”

Perhaps fearing that his diplomatic skills were being bypassed, Secretary of State Dick Pompous appears to have then persuaded President Dump to allow him to bring peace to Africa by negotiating a treaty between Niger and Tanzania. Their would be no limit on the Secretary’s authority, the President agreed, “as long as I get the credit.”

White House insiders say that President Dump is also looking into the possibility of a European peace treaty between Finland and Macedonia. Closer to home, the President has also let it be known that he hopes to mediate a non-aggression pact between Canada and Mexico.

“All this is not for me, it’s Alteristic,” the President tweeted. And the Nobel people should deliver the PRIZE at least a Week Before November 3.”

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Plastics: Scientists find no need for concern

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Scientists this week announced some good news: we can stop worrying about the amount of plastic accumulating in our environment, and particularly in our food chain.

Some scientists and environmentalists have long been concerned about the quantity of plastic that human society dumps into the oceans, and how that plastic partially breaks down and then enters the food chain, eventually ending up in human cells. How that accumulated plastic might affect our health or other characteristics has been a big unknown.

Scientists at the Far West New Jersey Institute of Biological Research began to find an answer when they realized that the distribution of plastics into human beings was not likely to be uniform. Not only would fish eaters be more likely to ingest plastics than non-fish eaters, but chance – pure accident – could perhaps cause a much greater than average accumulation in a small group or family.

What they eventually found far exceeded their expectations. After complex computer-driven evaluations of hundreds of characteristics in millions of people, the researchers discovered an American family whose members’ cells – that is, their entire bodies – were composed of astonishingly large proportions of plastic – from 96.3 percent to an amazing 99.12 percent.

Some Americans, but not all that many, were surprised to learn that America’s Plastic Family is the family of President Ronald Dump (the member who scored the 99.12 percent rating).

Most of the public could immediately identify at least a few of the characteristics that played a part in the Institute’s evaluation. Ronald Dump’s total lack of human empathy was one of the most obvious, as was his inability to speak a coherent sentence. As for others in the family, his daughter Vankilla and her husband Jaded Kumquat have long been known in Washington as “Barbie and Ken”; when Vankilla was seen to blink once at a recent ceremonial flagellation of refugee children, it produced a storm of controversy on social media.

The researchers also reported that the plastic concentration of Ronald Dump’s wife Vanilla (96.3 percent) had recently increased, from an estimated 92.4 percent at the time of Dump’s inauguration. They did not attempt to explain this increase, but it may be related to rumors that the First Lady has been injecting plastics in an effort to fit in better with the rest of the family.

But aside from such details, the scientists’ conclusion from the evidence is clear: being made almost entirely of plastic is no obstacle to success in America.

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President says: you can prove police aren’t racist

President says: you can prove police aren’t racist

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today issued a challenge to supporters of Black Lives Matter and other critics of police behavior to test their charges of racism in policing.

Speaking in the White House Toad Garden to launch National Burnt Cabbage Week, the President appeared to be developing his earlier method of testing the legitimacy of elections by recommending that people vote twice:

“If the anarchist antifa rioting Muslim Bolshevik migrant Bidens think our boys in blue beautiful police are racist why don’t they just shoot a black person and see if they get arrested.

I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and I would still be elected for a second or a fourth term it wouldn’t matter if who I shot was black or white so there’s no racism.”

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President confident for future

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – At a press conference today, President Ronald Dump declared that he is not concerned about many of the problems currently troubling the country.

Asked about the upsurge of Covid-19 infections, the President was confident. “It’s going away. It’ll go away. Things go away. No question in my mind that it will go away,” he said.

Similarly, the widespread unemployment brought on by the virus was no cause for alarm. “It’s going away. It’ll go away. Things go away. No question in my mind that it will go away,” he said.

In response to another question, President Dump predicted that police discrimination against and shooting of Black people will be overcome: “It’s going away. It’ll go away. Things go away. No question in my mind that it will go away.”

He was also optimistic that this progress would remove many of his disagreements with the other side of politics. “Can you foresee better relations between yourself and the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives?” asked a reporter for Pox News. “It’s going away. It’ll go away. Things go away. No question in my mind that it will go away,” the President replied.

And was he concerned about the upcoming presidential election and his poor standing in polls, the reporter continued. “It’s going away. It’ll go away. Things go away. No question in my mind that it will go away,” President Dump said.

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State Department overwhelmed by visa submissions

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In recent weeks, insiders report, the State Department has been “absolutely swamped” by submissions from officials of foreign governments setting out the reasons they believe they should be banned from receiving US visas.

“I am not involved in my Government’s Hong Kong policy,” reads a fairly typical submission, “but I am definitely in favor of cracking down on HK’s autonomy and democratic rights. I advocate this even when I’m not asked.”

“I keep a list of countries sanctioned by America on my desk, even though it takes up most of my work space,” reads another. “Whenever we need to purchase something for my office, I tell my people to buy from countries on the list. I tell my wife the same thing about shopping for our home.”

“If I were in the United States for any reason,” wrote another, a middle-ranking official of an important European ally of the US, “I would definitely spend nearly all my time buying oil and other useful things to send to North Korea.”

The State Department insiders say that these and “scores or hundreds” of similar submissions have been received more or less in time with the world-leading increase in the number of new Covid-19 cases in the United States.

“You can understand it easily,” said one of the insiders. “Ordinary citizens of other countries can make the sensible decision to protect their lives by not coming here. But government officials can be ordered by their superiors to come to the US for this or that diplomatic task. It’s often seen as not much different from a death sentence – and who can blame them for thinking that?

“In a number of countries, it’s thought that US assignments are being inflicted on rising politicians whose ambitions are considered a threat to their immediate superiors.”

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President challenges ‘unfair’ dead

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has said he is being unfairly targeted by “dead Democrats” who are manipulating statistics in an effort to discredit him.

The President tweeted the idea he had spoken of at his Tulsa rally, that too much testing made the Covid-19 pandemic in the US appear to be worse than in other countries that had not conducted as many tests: “I said SLOW THE TESTS because it makes us look bad and the election.”

But another problem, he wrote, is “dead people. They get tested right away to see if they’re dead they don’t wait properly in line.”

White House press secretary Klueless McNinny explained that the President believed that some countries (which would be identified if they annoyed the President) took excessive amounts of time to report mortalities due to Covid-19. This allowed the fake news media to portray the United States as less in control of the pandemic than those countries, which were probably hiding the corpses in abandoned coal mines, under the bed, and in temporarily unused means of transport such as airplanes, buses, and trains.

Speaking to its inhabitants in the White House Toad Garden, President Dump said, “The ultra communist Muslim Dems hate me so much, some of them are dying on purpose just to make my figures look bad.”

He asked “all Americans, of any species, to give me a fair go. Don’t aid the Dems’ fake statistics by dying before my re-election.”

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President: Rally ‘biggest ever’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has denied that his campaign rally in Tulsa had failed to live up to his advance description, which said: “The event in Oklahoma is unbelievable. The crowds are unbelievable. They haven’t seen anything like it.” Also before the rally, the President said, “We’ve never had an empty seat at my rallies. And we certainly won’t in Oklahoma.”

Photographs of the rally appeared to show only around half of the arena’s 19,000 seats occupied. But these were “FAKE NEWS pictures,” the President tweeted. “Just like the fake photos of my Great Ingraution pretended it wasn’t the biggest since Abraham Lincoln. Abe told me himself.”

The Tulsa rally, the President continued, “was the biggest political rally ever held in the middle of a hoax pandemic. Much Bigger than reported in the FAKE NEWS. It shows I am supported by the Silent Majority AND the Invisible Majority.”

A week before the rally, the manager of President Dump’s election campaign, Bland Parsnip, claimed that the campaign had received requests for “more than a million tickets” to the rally.

Rooters was unable to contact Mr. Parsnip to ask about the apparent discrepancy. However, the White House press secretary, Klueless McNinny, explained to reporters: “Some millions are smaller than other millions. That’s a definite alternative fact.”

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Scientists investigate Rotten Apple Thesis

[Rooters agency analysis] – “One rotten apple spoils the barrel” is a longstanding and well-known proverb in the United States. Applied to institutions, it suggests that a “rotten” – corrupt or abusive – individual, upon discovery, needs to be expelled in order to prevent the entire institution from becoming rotten.

As the result of a computer malfunction at the scientific institution concerned, Rooters has recently obtained exclusive access to the preliminary results of an investigation of the Rotten Apple Thesis as applied to police in the United States. The institution, which Rooters has decided not to name, points out that the draft paper on the results of its study is yet to undergo peer review. With those caveats, Rooters believes that the study’s initial results deserve to be shared with the American public.

The draft report notes that police officers who are found to have abused, seriously injured, or even killed ordinary citizens are usually described as “a rotten apple.” The researchers therefore sought to investigate how the removal of such “apples” affected the remainder of the police force concerned.

Unfortunately, the research very early met an unexpected obstacle. As one of the quoted researchers explained: “We found it’s not the lone apple, or even the barrel that’s rotten; it’s the whole f***ing orchard.”

This did not mean that all police officers were rotten, the report notes, but merely that the healthful apples were a decided minority.

So it is possible that the researchers may shift their focus to a different, if related, question: Can one or a few clean apples purify a rotten orchard? But, as the report admits, there is no evidence that horticulture, biology, or anything else works that way.

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President to continue religious pilgrimages

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After visiting an Episcopalian church and a Roman Catholic shrine in recent days, President Ronald Dump today said he intends to continue making pilgrimages to various religious sites.

Speaking to reporters in the White House Toad Garden, the President said he intends to visit both a synagogue and a mosque, “because my advisors say I should be excommentical.”

Shortly thereafter, White House press secretary Klueless McNinny said that the President’s additional “deeply religious” pilgrimages would be preceded by tear gas, flash grenades, and mounted police “to show that this administration is broad church and to clear out any Jews or Muslims who might get in the way of the photographers.” However, McNinny said there were “no plans at this time” for the President to visit “a Mexican rapist church.”

On another topic, the President told the same gathering that he had visited the White House underground “bunker” several days earlier, not to hide from possible attacks, but to “inspect it and make sure it was broad churchy but Christian first.” He added that his visit to the bunker had occurred during the day, not at night, as had been reported: “You wouldn’t want to go there at night. It’s too dark and scary.”

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