Colleagues unanimous in not criticizing President

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Today a White House guard became the 4,000th close observer of President Ronald Dump to deny that he had ever criticized anything about the President.

The guard, Hambone Muckwater Jr, contradicted a report in the Washington Pillar that said Muckwater once had to help the President tie his shoelaces because the President “couldn’t remember if it was left over right or right over left, but right over left is how it ought to be.”

Contacted by reporters about the reported remark, Muckwater responded, “You all know President Dump can’t make a sentence as long and complicated as that.”

Muckwater is described on the White House Mugbook page as having been employed as a guard by “every President since the Frederick Douglass Administration.” A footnote added after the publication of the remark denied by Muckwater said: “He didn’t ever do anything important for anyone, I never met him, and I always wear sandals.”

With his denial of the reported criticism, Muckwater joins a long line of close political, business, and personal collaborators of Ronald Dump who have denied describing him with terms that cause most of the human race to respond, “Well, duh.”

However, there have been some disagreements among previous non-critics about what they didn’t say about the President. For example, Secretary of State Rexxon Pillager has sort of denied calling President Dump a “moron.” National Security Advisor H.R. Disaster denies calling him an “idiot.”

For a time, “moron” appeared to be winning out over “idiot” as the term that President Dump’s colleagues denied calling him. However, “idiot” recently gained denial traction when media magnet Robert Muckedup denied having called him that.

Some observers, mainly the especially cynical ones, have suggested that the Pillager-Disaster/Muckedup dispute is a red herring designed to distract attention from the denial by one of Trump’s former wives that she had called him a rapist.

However, many other observers here expect an escalation of denials. Some say that persons close to the president may soon deny calling him “bird brain,” “fascist,” “homicidal maniac,” “Dad in law,” and similar terms.

A source in the office of Vice President Mickey Tuppence denied that Tuppence has denied calling President Dump “sir.”

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Exchange to list new artificial currencies

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Catching up with the rest of the economy, the New York Stuff Exchange today announced plans to list several new cryptocurrencies that are intended to compete with the popular Zitcoin.

Zitcoins at their creation sold for 25 cents a dozen, but yesterday a single Zitcoin was selling for $25,000 plus the soul of your first born.

Professor George Bagakash of the Institute of Economics explains that Zitcoin was originally attractive to investors because it seemed even more illogical than their usual investments, which had awarded them more money than they knew what to do with.

According to modern economic theory, value is due to scarcity, and the creator of Zitcoin ensured its scarcity by limiting the initial amount of Zitcoins. New Zitcoins could be created only by a complicated procedure centered on convincing a teenager that zits don’t matter; so far, no new Zitcoins have been created.

According to Professor Bagakash, with increasing demand for Zitcoins and no increase in supply, there is no reason that Zitcoins might not reach hugely more astronomical prices. “The only limit might be the total amount of money in the economy.”

However, the Professor also points out that competition from other, new, cryptocurrencies could constrain the demand for Zitcoins. One of the new currencies being listed on the Stuff Exchange originates in the Netherlands and is known as the Tulpenmanie. Professor Bagakash thinks the Tulpenmanie will not be a serious competitor for Zitcoin, because thoughtful investors have learned to prefer artificial currencies whose name ends in “coin.”

Much more likely to attract interest is the Ponzicoin, which has been booked to launch early next year during halftime at the Super Bowl. Rather than being limited to a specific number, Ponzicoins will be issued in amounts determined by “what the traffic will bear,” according to the documents issued for its IPO.

However, Ponzicoin is already being challenged by Barnumcoin, which has promised that a new Barnumcoin “will be born every minute.” The creators say this will ensure a supply of the coins sufficient to allow nearly everyone to invest in them.

The listing of these artificial currencies on the New York Stuff Exchange has been questioned by both stick-in-the-mud economists and backward moralists.

Asked whether listing cryptocurrencies, which don’t represent actual businesses producing things, marked a change in direction for the Exchange, a spokesperson replied, “Despite our name, we have never really exchanged stuff. The only thing bought and sold on the Exchange is promises of money.”

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President’s ‘list’ fails to win UN vote

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “I know who you are. You are who you are,” President Ronald Dump declared. “Where you are who. We know. Will keep a list.”

The President’s remarks came in response to indications that many member states of the United Nations were planning to vote differently from the way the United States (President Dump) thought they should vote on a motion regarding Jerusalem.

We will be taking names,” Ambassador Anarki Hailstorm had warned both world governments and the staff of the restaurant where, that morning, she complained that her Eggs Benedict were overcooked.

The need for careful recording was indicated when President Dump declared, “If the Virgin Islands doesn’t do the right thing and support us, we’ll have them thrown out of the United Nations. Out of the world if we have to. Also Islamistan and West Dakota. America is tired of supporting countries that are other countries.”

Backing Ambassador Hailstorm’s statement that the United States would insist on its right to locate its embassies wherever it chooses, the President announced that he was going to move the embassies in many parts of Asia, and “especially in Africastan,” to Washington, “where I can keep an eye on them.” US embassies to Central America, “if we have to have them,” are to be moved to Alaska, to save money on air conditioning.

Despite the Presidential threats, a very large majority of states voted against the US. Many political observers believe that these states weren’t intimidated because they believed the President – and perhaps many of his staff – didn’t know who they were or where they were located.

Responding to this possibility, White House advisors hope to update the President’s geographical perspectives, which were revealed, among other things, by his remark at a banquet in Japan that “I never knew we had so many countries.”

A White House insider, who requested anonymity, explained that President Dump had studied Saul Steinberg’s famous cover for the New Yorker magazine in March 1976, “View of World from Ninth Avenue,” because he believed it to be an authoritative map of the world.

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Economic argument backs President’s tax bill

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – There is now overwhelming Congressional support for President Dump’s tax bill, after economists pointed out the implications of one of its provisions.

It is accepted among economists who influence the government that people will do their best to avoid taxation. Thus, President Dump argues that reducing taxes will cause business people to invest money that they would otherwise spend on luxuries or hide under their mattress.

But, it has been pointed out, inheritance taxes must have a similar effect on behavior. One of the easiest ways to avoid the federal inheritance tax is not to die. This tax currently applies only to large estates, and, sure enough, rich people live longer than people whose estates are too small to be taxed.

Recognition of this logic has greatly increased support for the bill’s elimination of the inheritance tax. Once that tax is repealed, old rich people will no longer have an economic incentive to extend their lives.

“If it gets rid of him,” one Senator declared, “the loss of a few hundred billions of tax revenue is a small price to pay.”

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President denounces ‘lies’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “Lies, lies, lies,” President Ronald Dump tweeted today. “It’s all lies. I never did anything. And I’m the BEST DIDN’T DO IT.”

The President was so annoyed that he barely paused to acknowledge that, because of his consistent tweeting, a poll of the internet had awarded him the title of Chief Twit. “I deserve it,” he tweeted, “but everything else is fake news.”

President Dump added that fake news included the idea that President Africa had been born – anywhere – that his daughter Vankilla was actually married to Middle East Mastermind Jaded Kumquat, or that anything a President said could be taken seriously in a criminal trial, especially if there was a tape recording of what he was sorry for having said but he didn’t say it.

The President was also questioned today about former National Secrecy Advocate Mickey Finn, who yesterday pleaded guilty to inconsistent lying. At breakfast this morning, the President’s wife Vanilla asked whether Finn’s action had any implications on where they should enroll their child for school next semester.

President Dump responded that there was nothing to worry about. The special prosecutor was part of a Chinese conspiracy to make people believe that ice melts at temperatures above 0 degrees.

The President concluded the day by warning he was losing patience. His last (437th) tweet of the day was: “If they keep this up, I’m going to nuke Rocket Man, with BOTH HANDS.”

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Experts back President’s warning on Russia investigations

ANALYSIS (Rooters agency) – International observers and US political analysts are generally agreed with President Ronald Dump’s warning that investigations into alleged Russian interference in the 2016 US election could lead to war, costing “millions and millions of lives.”

Professor Henry Dewmuch, who holds the Chair of Profundity at the University of South Anglia, spoke for many of the experts contacted by Rooters when he said, “It is well known that US Presidents have often engaged in foreign adventures in order to deflect attention from domestic political problems. So if President Dump feels threatened by the investigation, it is quite possible that he could try to distract public opinion by launching a war with whomever.”

The experts Rooters interviewed were less united on the likely target of such a war. But most agreed that Russia was likely to be spared, at least in the first round, after Dump’s recent remark that “I really believe it when Vlad [Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky] tells me something, because I’m a shrewd negotiator, and why would Vlad lie?”

Professor Dewmuch and many of his colleagues also thought it unlikely that President Dump would choose to launch a war with China, at least while he was visiting that country. He might be restrained also by the recognition that overcoming the US trade deficit with China would require selling things to the Chinese, who couldn’t buy much if they were dead.

The prevailing consensus of the experts was that those most threatened by the investigations are small countries, especially those that lack the means to retaliate, and doubly especially those whose people are majority Muslim.

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Governor enlists God against evil shooters

AUSTIN (Rooters agency) – Governor Grunge Babbitt today announced firm measures to reduce mass shootings in his state.

“Better late than never,” the Governor declared, announcing that the state government would “work with God” to stop armed psychopaths from shooting up churches, schools, and other public places where large numbers of current and potentially future voters might be gathered. “I don’t know why no one ever thought of this before,” he mused.

Asked if he had specific plans for collaboration with the deity, Governor Babbitt said that God would be appointed to a new position, Inspector of Weapons Licenses. In this role, God would be authorized to look into the minds of everyone applying for a weapons license, and to report any evil intentions found there, which would mean the license was denied. This would ensure that only good people could buy guns – unless evil doers from other jurisdictions entered the state.

While the National Weapons Association has in the past opposed most attempts to impose any restrictions on gun purchases, Babbitt said he had discussed his idea with the Leader of the NWA, Barry Bogus III, who had supported it.

Via email, Rooters asked whether God intended to take on the offered position. The reply was: “It’s flattering, but I already have a job.”

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