Experts back President’s warning on Russia investigations

ANALYSIS (Rooters agency) – International observers and US political analysts are generally agreed with President Ronald Dump’s warning that investigations into alleged Russian interference in the 2016 US election could lead to war, costing “millions and millions of lives.”

Professor Henry Dewmuch, who holds the Chair of Profundity at the University of South Anglia, spoke for many of the experts contacted by Rooters when he said, “It is well known that US Presidents have often engaged in foreign adventures in order to deflect attention from domestic political problems. So if President Dump feels threatened by the investigation, it is quite possible that he could try to distract public opinion by launching a war with whomever.”

The experts Rooters interviewed were less united on the likely target of such a war. But most agreed that Russia was likely to be spared, at least in the first round, after Dump’s recent remark that “I really believe it when Vlad [Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky] tells me something, because I’m a shrewd negotiator, and why would Vlad lie?”

Professor Dewmuch and many of his colleagues also thought it unlikely that President Dump would choose to launch a war with China, at least while he was visiting that country. He might be restrained also by the recognition that overcoming the US trade deficit with China would require selling things to the Chinese, who couldn’t buy much if they were dead.

The prevailing consensus of the experts was that those most threatened by the investigations are small countries, especially those that lack the means to retaliate, and doubly especially those whose people are majority Muslim.

Posted in China, Russia, war | Leave a comment

Governor enlists God against evil shooters

AUSTIN (Rooters agency) – Governor Grunge Babbitt today announced firm measures to reduce mass shootings in his state.

“Better late than never,” the Governor declared, announcing that the state government would “work with God” to stop armed psychopaths from shooting up churches, schools, and other public places where large numbers of current and potentially future voters might be gathered. “I don’t know why no one ever thought of this before,” he mused.

Asked if he had specific plans for collaboration with the deity, Governor Babbitt said that God would be appointed to a new position, Inspector of Weapons Licenses. In this role, God would be authorized to look into the minds of everyone applying for a weapons license, and to report any evil intentions found there, which would mean the license was denied. This would ensure that only good people could buy guns – unless evil doers from other jurisdictions entered the state.

While the National Weapons Association has in the past opposed most attempts to impose any restrictions on gun purchases, Babbitt said he had discussed his idea with the Leader of the NWA, Barry Bogus III, who had supported it.

Via email, Rooters asked whether God intended to take on the offered position. The reply was: “It’s flattering, but I already have a job.”

Posted in guns, National Weapons Association | Leave a comment

Unexpected results of increased religious liberty

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Political observers here are wondering whether President Ronald Dump received the best political and legal advice before he announced changes to health insurance rules last week.

The changes allow any company or institution that provides health insurance to exclude coverage of birth control if it objects to such provision on religious or moral grounds.

Not terribly surprisingly, the religious/moral grounds for exemption from health insurance legislation have been seized on by a number of minority groups, which say there is no logical or legal reason not to extend the privilege to groups that disagree with other legislation.

For example, the True Grandsons of Zion, a sect excommunicated from the Mormon Church two centuries ago, quickly announced that it was not only reestablishing open polygamy (“We’ve been doing it all the time, but we didn’t say so”) but also making it compulsory.

The next day, the Highest Pope of the Biblical Soothsayers for Christ, Inc., announced that the group had executed a witch by stoning, in accordance with Leviticus 20:27: “A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads.”

That announcement was immediately criticized by the Puritan Revivalist Movement, which argued that Christian tradition, as exemplified by the Salem witch trials, dictated that witches should be hung, not stoned. The Movement then demonstrated that it was more opposed to witchcraft than its competitors by hanging three witches, who had been convicted on the clear testimony of five children aged 7 to 10.

The New World Druids, however, issued a press release that was sharply critical of both the BSC and the PRM: “Sending witches or other evildoers to them does not honor the gods, but insults them. Next Wednesday, the New World Druids will pay our respects to the gods by sacrificing three innocents.”

Other religious and moral objections to US legislation are reportedly being prepared by various law firms, although several Muslim fringe groups contacted said they had no illusions that any exemptions might apply to them. And an Ayn Rand Anti-Collective spokesperson replied to Rooters’ query: “It makes no difference to us. We can already do whatever we like.”

Several political observers here agreed with the comment by one of their number, who said that the President “should have been clearer about what qualifies as a religious or moral objection. If he had just said that he was exempting groups that have a moral objection to spending money, he would have accomplished his purpose and not caused all this confusion.”

Posted in birth control, health insurance, religion, witches | Leave a comment

Secretary of State arrested

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After the first nine months of the Ronald Dump Administration, it was only mildly surprising when the Secretary of State Rexxon Pillager was arrested this morning.

Pillager was taken into custody by the Frequently Bungling Inquisitors (FBI), acting on a warrant charging him with violating the Espionage Act, the 1917 law under which the previous Administration prosecuted a number of individuals accused of revealing government secrets.

It is believed that Pillager is accused of revealing classified information by telling a small meeting of State Department and other officials that the President is “a moron.”

Off the record, Dump Administration officials say that the Secretary’s remark, if accurately reported, could make him guilty of giving aid and comfort to the enemy, especially including US voters. They added that it can be an offense to reveal information that is classified even it is already publicly well known.

A friend of Pillager who asked for anonymity said that Pillager denies that he’d called the President “a moron.” The phrase used was actually “a failing moron.”

Posted in Espionage Act, Secretary of State | Leave a comment

President, Congress resolve North Korea problem

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Supported by a large majority of Congress, President Ronald Dump today announced a solution to the North Korean development of nuclear weapons and ballistic missiles.

“We are thinking and praying about this,” the President said. “That settles it, so we can move on to the border wall, which I may also think and pray about.”

The President added a remark to cover the possibility that the thoughts and prayers might not be totally effective. “Anyway, if Rocket Fingers was going to nuke California, he’d have to send it across the ocean. A big ocean. Full of water. Lots of water. And they didn’t vote for me.”

Representatives and Senators from both parties rushed to endorse the President’s solution. A Google search confirms that, in the last 24 hours, the phrase “thoughts and prayers” has occurred more often on Congressional Facebook postings than the word “the.”

Rooters queries of both the executive and legislative branches found no support for further action. One senator summed up the prevailing mood: “If thoughts and prayers can’t do it, what else could?”

The only possible doubts about the solution may have been expressed by the object of the prayers. In early evening, a fiery message appeared in the sky over Washington: “Please stop blaming me.”

Posted in missiles, North Korea | Leave a comment