Food chain condemned for aiding Russia

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – There has been widespread, mostly hostile, reaction in the US and Europe to the decision of Muckburgers to end its operations in Russia. Supporters of Ukraine against the invasion launched by Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky have nearly unanimously criticized the chain’s move as providing Buttinsky a “big victory.”

“It’s true this move will have an immediate negative impact on the Russian sugar industry,” said one economist, who requested anonymity to avoid the embarrassment of yet again being proved wrong by events. “But it will quickly improve the quality of life of many Russians. And over a fairly short time period, it should improve the general level of public health, thus reducing the demand on hospitals and opening bed space for soldiers wounded in the special military operation in Ukraine.”

The impact could be multiplied if Muckburgers’ action is imitated by other American chains. It has been reported that a withdrawal from Russia is also being considered by GFC (Grossly Fat Cooking) and Bushstarvers coffee chains.

A US general who would give only an indication of his views, and that anonymously, because he wanted “to save the best” for planned testimony to a Congressional committee, said, “All together, moves like that could give Russia a population with the strength to overrun Europe.”

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Stock exchanges in turmoil over court ruling

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – Massive falls occurred across all US stock exchanges today. Exchanges across the world in turn reacted with sharp contractions in some stocks but also abrupt rises for others that are seen as competitors of US giants that have suddenly sailed into unknown and troubled waters.

The turmoil arose, apparently, because an unnamed official of the Feudalist Society became publicly boastful about the organization’s successes. As is not well known, the Feudalist Society has been appointed by a filibuster-proof majority of the US Senate as the sole recruitment agency for appointments to the country’s top judicial body, the Supine Corpse.

The trouble began when the anonymous official told a journalist the Society’s view of the recent leaked abortion ruling written by Justice Sammy Altarboy. The official called particular attention to Altarboy’s “originalist” argument that abortion was not mentioned in the Constitution, and so no federal body had the authority to rule or legislate on it. This, the official said, was the position the Society had long been inculcating in its judicial nominees, and it now clearly had a solid majority on the Supine Corpse.

However, it appears that the journalist may have misunderstood the Society official, and therefore reported that the Society – and therefore its majority on the Supine Corpse – favored a ban on any federal government activity regarding anything not mentioned in the Constitution. What did this mean, the journalist wondered in print, for nuclear weapons? They weren’t mentioned in the Constitution. They could of course be considered as included in the “arms” protected by the Second Amendment, but did Congress have the power to vote money to create them, and did the President have the authority do anything with them?

With more immediate impact, the journalist also mentioned that the word “corporation” does not occur in the Constitution. While US corporations, aside from a limited number of federal government bodies, are created under state laws, there are numerous federal laws and regulations governing corporate behavior, all of which might now be declared unconstitutional. Furthermore, most corporations are incorporated in the state of Delaware. The ability of companies to do this even though they may be headquartered in a different state is based on previous rulings of the Supine Corpse, which are now subject to being reversed under what is likely to become known as “the Altarboy Doctrine” of constitutional originalism.

And even if a corporation manages to avoid losing its corporate status entirely, the idea that corporations are “persons” within the meaning of the law and thus entitled to constitutional protections is almost entirely based on rulings of the Supine Corpse and lesser federal courts. Clearly, the original Constitution cannot persuasively be argued to have intended protection for an institution it didn’t mention.

[Contacted for comment on this article, a Feudalist Society spokeswhig said, “While we enjoy having a majority on the Supine Corpse or anywhere else we can manage it, we don’t attach disproportionate importance to majority views on important questions such as abortion. We think it is more important that government institutions enforce the moral views that we represent.”]

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Another judicial leak

Afternoon naps in the conservatives’ chambers were suddenly interrupted by Sammy Altarboy. “Hey, guys, I’ve just been skimming the Constitution, and guess what.”

Brash Cattlecar looked up from his laptop, after carefully closing the lid. “It doesn’t mention abortion. You already told us that. And it’s what they told us at the Feudalist Society.”

“But that’s not all,” Altarboy replied.

“Isn’t that enough?” asked Angelica Cunning Rabbit. “People are always carrying on about what’s in that silly document, when they ought to be listening to their husband read the Bible.”

“I agree,” said Neo Notmuch. “While it’s certainly sound to look back to what was written two centuries ago, the Bible is ten times as old, and so is worthy of ten times as much consideration.”

“Wait, wait,” Altarboy insisted. “There’s more, or I mean, less.”

“It doesn’t say anything about pornography?” asked Cattlecar. “Or attempted rape?”

“I’ll bet it doesn’t,” said Rabbit.

“You’re right!” exclaimed Altarboy.

“Don’t think there’s anything about labor unions,” ventured Notmuch.

“Or fags or dykes,” added Cattlecar.

“You’re right, but it’s even better than that,” said Altarboy. “It doesn’t have so much as a word about the 21st century!”

There was a moment of sustained silence as they all took in the implications of Altarboy’s discovery. Then he spelled it out: “We can repeal the entire century if we like. And we don’t even have to call it ‘judicial activism.’ We can call it ‘judicial conservatism,’ or ‘preserving the Constitution.’”

Clearance Textism interjected, “I’ll vote for that. For now: I’ll let you know if Carolina approves.”

Beaming, Altarboy turned to the only person in the room who hadn’t yet spoken. “What do you think? You’re the boss, sort of, although we already have a majority.”

“I’m with you in spirit,” responded Joint Waffle Jr. “But you have to be careful, because the Constitution also doesn’t mention the 20th century, and there are parts of it, including our own decisions, we certainly don’t want to junk – just think of World War II and the Japanese concentration camps, for example. So don’t get carried away; let’s go just one step at a time.”

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Some guidance on terminology: Better safe than sorry

(As has been reported, the Russian government has banned use of the term “war” to describe its conflict with Ukraine. Although there are no reliable reports of this edict being further extended, there are clearly many Russians aware of a possible extension. Rooters agency has recently come into possession of a memorandum being circulated within the Russian bureaucracy and within much of the media which suggests caution in this regard. We cannot name the government department which produced the memo without revealing our source. The translation below is by Rooters.)

* * *

Some guidance on terminology

While media in the West are ridiculing President Vladitude Buttinsky’s precise and scientific description of our “special military operation” to free the people of Ukraine from their oppression by terrorists and fascists, patriots will of course follow the President’s wise advice.

At the same time, some patriots have raised the question of whether it would be wise to use the term “special military operation” to refer as well to some other historical or future conflicts.

Of course, we cannot predict the best course for future actions, except to say that “better safe than sorry” always applies. In regard to past events, we would suggest adopting the following usages:

1905 naval conflict in East Asia: “special military (or naval) operation – Japan”.

1914-18 widespread conflict: “world special military operation I”

1939-45 widespread conflict: “world special military operation II”

Within world special military operation II, the most important battles and campaigns arose as a consequence of the German invasion of Russia, which was code-named by the Hitlerites as “Operation Barbarossa.” While this fact is a further justification of our President’s terminology in regard to Ukraine, it could conceivably be misunderstood by some people. Therefore, it is recommended to avoid mentioning “special military operation Barbarossa” and Ukraine in the same document.

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Allies respond to criticism on Ukraine

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – The Western military alliance NETO (Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization) has forcefully rejected claims that it is not doing enough in regard to the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

Speaking to journalists here, Jan Stutterstop, secretary-general of NETO, said it is “simply untrue” that the alliance “is not doing enough in regard to war in Ukraine. Were it not for NETO,” he said, “this war would have been almost impossible.”

“In many respects, we were the pioneers of modern invasions of small countries,” Stutterstop declared. “People think that only America carries out unilateral military interventions, but we are involved in many of them, and without our military and political support, America in many cases might be reluctant to act.

“Just think of Kuwait, Bosnia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq, Aden, Libya, to mention only the more distant past. If he didn’t have our example, Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky might well have thought he couldn’t get away with slaughtering civilians in Ukraine.”

Stutterstop added that more recent NETO activities “have also made a real contribution to this war.” Early 1990s pledges by US and NETO leaders that the alliance would not expand by “even one inch” toward the east were “a stroke of real genius,” Stutterstop explained.

“By trampling all over those promises all over Eastern Europe, we guaranteed that Russian leaders could not and would not ever again believe anything we said. Without that record, President Buttinsky might have thought that, maybe, we were serious about there being no plan to admit Ukraine to NETO – just like US President Kennedy should have accepted Khrushchev’s assurances in 1962 that his nuclear missiles in Cuba were no threat to the US (Moscow is more than three times closer to Ukraine than Washington is to Cuba).”

Did this mean that the Russian invasion was justified, a journalist asked. “Justified for whom?” said Stutterstop. “From our standpoint, it was, absolutely: it has put Russia into a horrible bind and ensured ongoing hostility between Russia and Ukraine, our main goals in this whole operation. And, as ridiculous as it might sound, it is creating a wave of public support for NETO in Western Europe.”

So, had Buttinsky been caught in a NETO scam, the journalist asked. “I can’t comment on foreign leaders,” Stutterstop replied. “But some political observers in the US have criticized former President Ronald Dump for supposedly being taken in by Buttinsky. But maybe it was the other way around.”

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Ukraine crisis displays difference of administrations

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The liberal wing of politics here is quietly pleased with a particular contrast between the current administration and its predecessor.

Former President Ronald Dump, who had pledged to choose “the best people” for government positions, in reality often appointed candidates mainly distinguished by scandal and/or incompetence. By contrast, President Joe Notrump’s supporters say his appointments are characterized by a high level of expertise.

A case in point is Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered. Unlike his predecessor, Dump appointee Dick Pompous, Blinkered’s supporters say he has brought a high level of careful consideration and understanding to the role of America’s top diplomat.

This has been particularly evident in regard to the Ukraine crisis. Some observers feared that Blinkered had gone too far when he repeatedly declared support for the “fundamental principle” that Ukraine – and any other country – had the right to join any military alliance they wished to join. The concern was summarized by a question addressed to Blinkered at a recent press conference: “Sir, doesn’t this ‘fundamental principle’ appear to have been opposed by the United States in 1962 in regard to Cuba’s alliance with the Soviet Union and its stationing of missiles in Cuba?”

In what admirers call a “class act,” the Secretary responded: “That’s a perceptive observation. But all things change. The right to join alliances is a 21st century fundamental principle. In 1962, the 20th century, fundamental principles were different.”

When the reporter followed up by asking, “But aren’t you concerned that now, in this century, Russia and Cuba might form an alliance that involves placing missiles in Cuba?”, Blinkered reassured him: “No, I’m not at all concerned. There’s no way they could get missiles past our blockade.”

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Court ruling throws election into turmoil

WASHINGTON, February 14, 2024 (Rooters agency) – An unexpected court ruling has disrupted nearly everyone’s expectations regarding the current presidential election campaign.

In a surprise 6-3 decision, the country’s highest judicial body, the Supine Corpse, has disqualified former President Ronald Dump from standing for the presidency. As Dump is leading in most polls of Republican voters, he was expected to win the party’s nomination to compete against Democratic President Joe Notrump in November.

The ruling came in a case brought by a little-known PAC, Constitution Over All. While COA does not disclose its members, funders, or supporters, a number of political observers have suggested it is a stalking horse for Governor Rump Dunceitis, who had made clear his intention to seek the Republican nomination if Dump did not contest it.

While the case involved sometimes abstruse legal arguments going back as far as George Washington’s administration, the central issue was clearly the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. COA, which has always backed Dump’s claim that he was the real winner in 2020, was able to cite abundant evidence that Dump believes himself to have continued as President.

On this basis, the majority decision drew the “logical conclusion” that “President Dump is now in his second consecutive term as President” and is therefore not eligible to be elected for another term, under the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits Presidents to a maximum of two terms.

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Court decision spurs new industry

(Rooters agency analysis) – “Quick draw” is a skyrocketing industry in America, and it has nothing to do with the graphic arts. Across the United States, in red states and blue, businesses providing “rapid-response firearm training” are springing up and flourishing overnight as gun purchases also soar.

While the immediate impulse for the surging interest in “quick draw” or “fast draw” may stem from the recent acquittal of young vigilante Wyatt Rottenhorse, it draws on a long American tradition. “It’s a revival of the Old West,” says Delbert Tombstone, proprietor of the new Wild Bill Hickok Rapid Fire Academy in Indians End, Ohio.

The Hickok Academy offers a fairly typical selection of courses. For the beginner, there are classes in the firing of various categories of firearms: pistols, rifles, semi-automatic weapons, and nearly any other weapon the student can afford. There is even a course in the use of the Gatling gun, although Tombstone stresses, “There’s no real way to start shooting quickly with that, and it’s hard to carry in a holster.”

Those already familiar with their firearm are then trained in all the aspects of face-to-face shootouts. This of course centers on the prime concern, which is shooting before, and more accurately than, one’s opponent.

But is also covers the finer points, including legal considerations. “It’s important before you open fire,” Tombstone explains, “to be reasonably confident that the other guy really intends to do you harm. That doesn’t mean you have to let him have the first shot, but it does mean he has to be threatening.” For this aspect, the Hickok course includes modules on “how to recognize a threatening look” and “how to recognize a threatening appearance.” “Getting these right,” Tombstone continues, “is really crucial, because it means you don’t have to wait until you see the enemy’s weapon, which might be concealed.”

Legal analysts consulted by Rooters say that Tombstone is right regarding the centrality of threat and recognizing it early. This was illustrated by the trial judge in Rottenhorse’s trial, Justice Shredder, who ruled that the people shot by the defendant could not be referred to as “victims” but could be called “looters,” “dangerous enemies,” “threatening nasties,” or, more simply, “the dead.”

Beyond the purely economic boom he and businesses like his are enjoying, Tombstone argues that the new industry will have a beneficial effect on American culture more generally: “We’re going back to our roots in the Old West: shooting anyone who seems dangerous. Or rude. Whatever.”

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Texas schools scrambling to meet legal requirement

AUSTIN, TX (Rooters agency) – School boards and teachers are scrambling to find texts that conform with a new state law requiring schools and teachers to present both sides of political issues.

Last week, education authorities informed the school board in Clambake, Texas, that if their schools have books or information on the Holocaust, the law requires that they also present information from an opposing view.

In regard to the Holocaust, most school districts seem to have settled on a quick solution, to judge from the decision to rush out a reprint by the publishers of the English translation of Mein Kampf.

But some other controversial issues are presenting. In regard to the American War of Independence, educational authorities have found an embarrassment of oppositional riches from English sources of the time. Which one to use has been narrowed down to a choice between two, and it is hard to know which of them would most closely meet the Texas legislature’s requirements. Is it Those Colonials Will Be Bloody Sorry or Good Riddance?

When it comes to Texan history, the problem is the reverse: a shortage of suitable books to oppose the usual celebration of the Republic of Texas. However, researchers eventually found a 19th century Mexican text that might meet the requirement. It is available only in Spanish, so Texas Governor George Babbitt is expected to ask the legislature for funds to commission an urgent translation. The title of the work, in English, means “Forget the Alamo!”

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3 Governments defend new military pact

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In what some analysts are calling “the biggest move for international peace and security since the Stalin-Hitler pact,” the US, UK, and Australia have formed a new defense alliance among the three countries.

Since those countries were already allied in various ways, the governments were asked what was “new” about the pact, aside from its name, Auktopus. For a start, explained a spokesperson for the British Foreign Secretary, the agreement “most definitely does not include France or the European Union, especially France. Prime Minister Bro Jejune insisted on that.”

A source in the State Department said that President Joe Notrump and Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered “have nothing against France. But their job is to look after American companies, whether they are making submarines or intercontinental missiles.

“Also, there is considerable advantage in a pact that doesn’t include NETO [Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization]. NETO involves 30 countries – at latest count, and it may be cloning more as we speak. With that large a group, it’s almost inevitable that one or more of them will have governments that find it politically inconvenient when we want them to support us invading somewhere. And if they say so openly, it creates bad publicity for us. Too much of that could threaten public support for our wars.”

On another controversial aspect of Auktopus, Australian Prime Minister Dunder Fella has responded to Chinese charges that the pact is intended to create a new cold war. “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “We wouldn’t be buying submarines – from anyone – if we didn’t intend to use them. So you don’t need to worry about a cold war. That would be a waste of taxpayers’ money.”

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