White House denies micromanaging investigation

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The White House has denied that it is exerting undue influence over the FBI’s investigation of accusations concerning Judge Brash Cattlecar, President Dump’s nominee to become a Justice on the Supine Corpse.

After the majority of the Senate Jungular Committee eagerly and enthusiastically asked the President to order an FBI investigation of the accusations and the President did so, some Democrats and other critics worried aloud that the Administration might limit the scope of the FBI’s work.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders today dismissed such fears. “This Administration has great respect for the FBI,” she said, “and its respect will only increase once the President has finished removing any of its remaining officials who don’t do exactly as they’re told. We think they all know which side their bread is buttered on, so we don’t have to be too obvious about it.”

Slanders denied that the Administration was giving FBI agents detailed instructions on who they could question. “The Administration is not micromanaging the investigation,” she insisted. “If you know anything about President Trump, you know he is a big picture man. He doesn’t like dealing with minor details, such as sums of money smaller than a billion dollars or sexual assaults or how detained refugee children are ever going to find their parents again.

The President is not micromanaging the investigation. He is macromanaging it, as is his proper role. If you aren’t certain what that means, just wait until you see the result.”

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The President in love

No, probably not at first sight. But maybe yes. Because the first time we met, we hit it off. Person to person.

We knew who each other was before that. It wasn’t love then, you betcha. We were fighting or planning to. So I mean. Not first sight was not then. But we were interesting to each other.

Then when we met. Very bigly. I didn’t know and probably he didn’t know either, before. But then we could both see. Something was there.

We are very like each other. I love him because he is very like me. Because I love me I love him too. And versy vice.

He wrote nice letters. Very nice letters. Very very nice letters. So I knew we were sincere. I couldn’t read his language, but I have good translators. Very very good translators. He does too. I like where he talks about how he deals with people who try to cause trouble.

George Washington. Many people don’t know that George Washington was not a Democrat like Barack Africa and not a Republican too. But he was a President. And I am the first. Washington couldn’t have made friends like this. Washington never tweeted anything. Neither did Barack Africa. What were they hiding? Lock ’em up!

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President cuts off possible FBI investigation of judge

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump tweeted today that he “has ended the Dems WITCH-HUNT effort to persecute my Innocent Judges.”

This was apparently a reference to the request of Democrats on the Senate Jungular Committee for an FBI investigation of charges of sexual assault against a judicial nominee, Brash Cattlecar.

The request had been rejected by Republican senators, who have a majority on the committee. One of them, Senator Gravely Upchuck, explained, “We know he’s innocent, so there’s no need for an investigation, which would only waste money that we could otherwise give to rich people.”

The President “intervened BIGLY,” as he tweeted, by announcing that he has issued a Presidential Decree which restricts the FBI to investigating “leftists and people who don’t stand up for the NATIONAL ANHTEM [sic].”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders explained, “In fact, this is what the FBI has always mainly been involved in. But the President wanted to get rid of the hypocritical pretense that the FBI is somehow neutral. How can it be neutral between good and evil?”

Asked whether the new Presidential Decree was constitutional, Slanders replied, “We have no doubt that it will be ruled that way by Judge Cattlecar when he gets the chance.”

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Obstacle to North Korean deal explained

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A White House insider has suggested a plausible reason for the lack of a more rapid and smoother development of President Ronald Dump’s relationship with North Korean leader Kim Jung-il Jim.

The insider, who demanded anonymity for fear of having his security clearance canceled, said that Dump is, “I hate to say it, but frankly, jealous” of Kim.

The alleged reason for this jealousy is that Kim, unlike Dump, was put into office “with a larger vote than all the other candidates.”

However, possible ways of overcoming this difficulty are under consideration. The US Chief Colonial Secretary, Dick Pompous, is reported to be close to an agreement with the North Koreans.

This would involve Kim standing for office in a new election, which would involve one or more other candidates. One other candidate would receive more votes than Kim, and Kim would then be declared the winner.

The only remaining minor area of disagreement is that Dump says he isn’t yet able to match Kim in the next step required by the North Koreans, “but I’m working on it.” This is that Kim would then have the other candidate(s) executed.

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President explains ‘fake news’ on Hurricane Maria

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today denounced what he called “a new source of fake news.”

It’s a conspiracy, and the special prosecutor should get on to this, and leave those poor innocent Russians alone,” the President tweeted. “They are inventing fake news about people being killed by hurricanes in Poor Old Rico.”

President Dump was disputing a medical study which found that Hurricane Maria and its aftermath caused the deaths of nearly 3,000 people. “There may not even be that many Poor Old Ricans,” his tweet concluded.

The President visited the island shortly after the hurricane to distribute paper towels to residents whose paper towels might have blown away in the storm. “I didn’t see very many dead people on that trip,” he now says. “I didn’t see any, unless they were hiding somewhere, maybe under paper towels. And after we spent all that money to buy the towels.”

The Dems made it all up,” the President told a rally of the National Weapons Association, called in support of his reelection in 2020, 2024, and 2028. “The Dems asked lots of Poor Old Ricans to die just to try to make me look bad. They might have made up the hurricane too.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders later said that the President “wasn’t denying the reality of Hurricane Maria, or that it caused some inconvenience. He was just using President-talk to point out alternate realities.”

Asked whether there was any evidence for the President’s alternate reality, Slanders pointed out that “none of the alleged dead have contradicted the President’s view that they might have been induced to die.”

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President threatens to withdraw US from world

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today threatened to pull the United States out of the world if it doesn’t “shape up.”

If they don’t shape up, I would withdraw from the world,” the President said in an interview with Broombilger News.

It has frequently been indicated by administration insiders that the President’s chief international concern, after the “Chinese hoax” of global warming, is the shape of the world. While many, perhaps a majority, of the world’s governments regard the world as a sphere, the President has been heard to denounce this idea as “fake geogrammy.”

President Dump appears to believe that regarding the world as round rather than “flat, as everyone can see it is,” is the product of an international conspiracy to “make it seem impossible for America to be the center of it all.”

A source told Rooters that the President had often made comments like: “I don’t know why we’re in it. The world is designed by the rest of them to screw the United States. And to screw me, since I’m the center of America.”

Treasury Secretary Steptoe Munchkin said that the idea of the US withdrawing from the world was “an exaggeration, this week,” but pointed out that a “more or less flat world” could be bent upwards around the edges so that money and other things of value would naturally slide or flow down to the center, whereas this would be impossible on a sphere.

However, there is some concern in business circles as to the possible consequences if the rest of the world resists the President’s demand to “shape up,” and the administration therefore feels obliged to make good on Dump’s threat and withdraw the country from the world.

Where will we dump our unsalable stuff? Where will we get cheap resources?” asked one businessman, who donated substantially to Dump’s 2016 election campaign.

Even some inside the administration share similar fears, said one necessarily anonymous official: “If we withdraw from the world, how can we justify the Mexican border wall?”

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