President calls for more statues

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has called for a national effort to “preserve America’s wonderful history and wonderful heritage very much” through the building of “very big very beautiful statues.”

Speaking at a press conference called to explain the Administration’s plan to merge the Boy Scouts with the National Weapons Association, the President departed from his prepared remarks to observe that “the alt-left is ripping American history apart” by opposing “statues that present both sides of history.”

Where is the statue of one of our most successful military leaders in the American Revolution, Major General Arnold?” the President asked. “Even the English appreciate his work. Why is the alt-left afraid of this? There were many very fine people helping General Arnold.”

President Dump also criticized “the Washington swampy elite who want to centralize and destroy your rights” for opposing his proposal to “erect a statue of George Wallace, a fierce defender of the rights of the states,” in front of the Supreme Court.

The President announced that he was creating a new Presidential Advisory Panel. This was necessary because of the loss of all the previously existing Presidential Advisory Panels, which puffed off into irrelevance when they discovered that the President wasn’t interested in advice from anyone about anything.

President Dump said that the new Presidential Advisory Panel on Statues (PAPS) will be tasked with considering “historical heritage people of our very American history” who could be the subject of new statues. He had himself already nominated Father Charles Coughlin, because of his “historic historical role of bringing religion into government.”

Other names reported to be under consideration because of their undeniable role in American history include Lee Harvey Oswald and Charles Manson.

Rooters has so far been unable to confirm a leak from within the Administration that PAPS will also be asked to recommend whether and how Mount Rushmore “could be updated with more modern Presidents.”

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President reveals his philosophical bent

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After the proven success of banning use of the term “climate change” by government departments and agencies, the Administration of President Ronald Dump has decided to broaden the policy.

It was recently discovered that staff at USDA have been told to avoid using the words “climate change”, replacing it with “don’t know” or “nothing to see here.” (USDA, formerly the Department of Agriculture, has been renamed the Department of Agnosticism.) Staff have also been told that “carbon dioxide” should be called “plant stuff.”

The success of the renaming was cited in a memorandum to the President that has just become public despite being written several weeks ago by Stark Puerile, the head of the Environmental Prevention Agency. Puerile apparently forgot to mark the memo “Top Secret,” which is why it was not reported earlier.

The memo, headed “A Powerful Blow Against Political Correctness,” noted that, “within only a few days” of the ban on the phrase, “snow fell in many parts of Antarctica and, according to reports we are investigating, in some other areas of the world as well.”

Inspired by this development, the President ordered that the example be followed by other government bodies. Among the changes already implemented, “southern border” and “Mexican border” have been replaced by “The Wall,” and “coal” has been changed to “diamonds stock.”

The Bureau of Labor Statistics is said to be debating whether “unemployment” should become “extra leisure time” or “searching for improvement.” The State Department has begun referring to North Korea as “Country Double Plus Bad,” while both Russia and China are “To Be Announced.”

Professor Jack Derringdo, author of the best-seller Postmodern Presidency, commented that President Dump’s changes of terminology “confirm the philosophical influences outlined in my very perceptive book. It is clear that the President accepts that things can be changed by changing their names.”

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General unclear on President’s nuclear order

FARTBLASTER MISSILE BASE, NORTH DAKOTA (Rooters agency) – Air Force General Buck Turgidpop has asked for clarification of President Ronald Dump’s tweet ordering an immediate nuclear strike.

The President’s tweet, which aroused considerable interest around the world, said, “China not helping NK nuclear/missile prob. Launch our missile to wipe out capital. 20 megatons should teach a lesson.”

General Turgidpop, in response to a telephoned query from Rooters, said the President’s order was slightly ambiguous. “Does he want me to nuke Pyongyang? Or Beijing? Or both?”

He pointed out that, if he misinterpreted the President’s wishes, he could expect to hear “You’re fired” from the White House, and he had spent too many years serving the country in the military to enter a new career path now.

General Turgidpop explained that he had therefore filed a request for clarification with the Pentagon, which replied that it had not received an official order from the President, but would inform him promptly if and when it did. Until then, it added, General Turgidpop should “exercise due caution and diligence while obeying all lawful instructions and regulations.”

The General said that, while he certainly would never disparage, or even question, instructions from the Pentagon, he was still rather uncertain about how many missiles to launch at what target or targets.

While he was sorting things out, Turgidpop said, he hoped that China, North Korea, and any other countries that might be concerned would be “sporting” about his dilemma and not take precipitate action in response to whatever he eventually decided to do, “which might turn out to be not what they expect.”

Multiplying the ambiguity described by Turgidpop, a political analyst in Washington, who didn’t pause to give his name as he fought traffic to get out of the city, said it was possible that Dump did not mean either Beijing or Pyongyang, but might have meant Washington – “if he happened to be at one of his resorts at the time.”

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President replaces What’s-his-name three days early

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a surprise move to many sleepers, on July 28 President Ronald Dump obtained the resignation of his White House Chief of Stuff, Rancid Preprandial.

The resignation came a full three days before the normal monthly turnover of staff in the Dump Administration, leading to speculation that Preprandial, although not having been observed doing anything at all during his term of office, had done something that annoyed the President. Or that the President couldn’t remember who Preprandial was and thought he was firing someone else.

As Preprandial departed the White House, the President thanked him for his work and support, saying, “What’s-his-name has done a great job at his job or whatever.” The President then gestured to White House staff to insert a small pillow between the pole and Preprandial’s buttocks, and not to throw any more feathers. “And he’s not really a fucking paranoid schizophrenic,” the President added. “I think. In quotes.”

Preprandial’s replacement as Chief of Stuff is former General Long John Generations, who is able to leave his previous position as Secretary of the Department of Hellfire and Surveillance after the successful completion of the border wall with Mexico, Canada, California and Islam.

Generations, who insiders report is still addressed as “General” by President Dump – a practice that some say could well continue until Generations’ rotation to wherever at the end of August – may have been brought into the White House because he was considered a counter-balance to Toney Scaramousey, the new Diverter of Complications, who was threatening to fire and/or dismember all White House staff and Congress, but not the Supreme Court, “where we have more fucking paranoid schizophrenics on our side than on their side”.

Leakers not yet disemboweled by the new Diverter of Complications say that Dump fears that Scaramousey “may be a bit weak on the Supreme Court.”

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France, Britain show how to solve air problems

Analysis (Rooters agency) – Environmentalists and air breathers around the world have enthusiastically welcomed the decisions by the French and British governments to ban the production and sale of petrol and diesel cars from 2040.

“This is wonderful,” said an air consumer in Paris. “Even if I can’t manage to hold my breath for 23 years, it will be a great benefit for my children and grandchildren, should they live that long.”

“It’s a great victory for the planet,” declared an environmental NGO official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The year 2040 may seem like a long time off to some, but even in a worst case scenario, by then we don’t expect enough carbon dioxide to have been emitted to raise ocean levels much more than a meter.

“And maybe, when other countries in 2040 see how well this has worked, they will adopt their own 23-year legislation.”

Several historians – who also requested anonymity – said that the long-term plan for dealing with automotive pollution was quite in keeping with tradition.

“Dealing with serious challenges has always taken considerable time,” said X, a Professor of Optimism at a university we cannot name, “For instance, when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939, did the governments of France and Britain immediately go to war? Of course not. They realized this was a long-term problem that needed to be treated seriously and carefully, and they therefore developed the project for strengthening the Maginot Line.

“Once the Maginot strengthening project had been approved by the two legislatures, and consultations between the two countries had reconciled the differences, the ‘Twenty-Year Plan for Liberating Poland and Other Places by 1963, More or Less’ was approved.”

Professor X noted that development of the British-French plan was very nearly disrupted by events in the United States in late 1941, when rumors swept the country about a Japanese attack. “Fortunately, the US President countered the threat by making a nationwide radio broadcast in he which he declared, ‘The so-called Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor? It’s all fake news.’” (Pearl Harbor was a US naval base in Hawaii, at that time a US possession.)

The lesson is clear, agreed Professor Y, a consultant for a business association that requested anonymity. “We shouldn’t let ourselves be panicked. We should deal with climate change and other air pollution problems with the same measured response used in previous emergencies.”

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Unexpected outcome of Presidents’ meeting

HAMBURG (Rooters agency) – US President Ronald Dump has abruptly broken off all friendly relations with Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky, apparently because of a careless remark by Buttinsky when the two presidents met face to face here.

According to eyewitness accounts from high-level officials on both sides, all of whom were sworn to secrecy and denied saying what they had said, the falling-out occurred when the Russian President denied that Russia had interfered in last year’s US Presidential election.

Buttinsky apparently thought his remark would be helpful to the US President, but, Dump, perhaps suffering a – hopefully temporary – memory loss, took the denial for good coin and reacted angrily.

“I thought you were my friend,” Dump shouted. “I was counting on your help. You’ve got no loyalty. You’re fired.”

Dump’s outburst seems to have disrupted the serene calm that surrounds the Russian President even when he is wrestling with Siberian tigers. He is said to have reacted angrily: “What about those troops in mufti we sent to vote for you? Three to 5 million of them; you’ve said it publicly yourself.”

President Dump did not respond to that, perhaps because he was busy tweeting something when Buttinsky spoke.

Despite this breakdown in the personal relationship, advisors of the two Presidents are confident that relations between them can be sorted out. If not, they say, there is always the option of nuclear war.

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