Disagreement over US-Britain summit

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Analysts and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic are scrambling to discern the full meaning of the just concluded First Best Ever Special Relationship Summit.

It is generally agreed that the two summiteers – Ronald Dump, President of the United States, and Bro Jejune, Prime Minister of the Barely United Kingdom – both enjoyed themselves.

But as regards the two leaders’ mutual understanding, analysts express two conflicting views. One group says that the two leaders did not understand each other, and this fact is worrying. The other group says the leaders did not understand each other, and that this is probably fortunate.

The misunderstandings were many. Emblematic were the conflicting accounts of the state dinner, catered by MIC Burger, held on the night of PM Jejune’s arrival. White House Press Secretary Peaceful Gruesome told journalists that President Dump was the winner of the “friendly arm-wrestling contest” between the two leaders, while the BUK embassy reported that PM Jejune had won.

US Attorney General Woolly Barf has said he will appoint a special prosecutor to interview witnesses at the state dinner and determine who, if anyone, is telling the truth.

Other misunderstandings may not be so easily settled, particularly on the trade negotiations, which reportedly occupied several minutes of the two-day summit.

President Dump told several reporters in the White House Toad Garden, “It was the bigliest America First trade negotiation in history, WONDERFUL RESULTS for Americans. [The President has been taking voice lessons and has learned to speak in ALL CAPS that match his tweets.]

“Bro Jejune is very, very, very SMART, almost as SMART as ME and has agreed to buy lots of chickens and chlorine from American farmers and to sell British’s socialized doctors to a wonderful American pharmaceutical company, Opioid Condor.”

Back in London, PM Jejune gave a different account to parliamentarians, delivered via Twitter because Parliament has been prorogued ad Kalendas Graecas. The PM said President Dump had agreed to enter into “a multi-pronged and multi-dude bilateral free trade agreement with no backstop.” Economists and linguists are trying to determine whether this means the US joining the EU, or the abolition of the WTO.

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President announces plans for Greenland

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today announced that the United States has acquired Greenland as its newest territory. The President denounced as “fake news” reports that the government of Denmark had denied there was any agreement for the transfer of the island to the US.

Commenting to reporters from the eighth green at his Florida resort Mainly Loco, President Dump said, “I offered them a great price and they knew next time the price would be lower, so they agreed. That’s the whatchamacallit deal of the art.”

Asked what the price was, the President replied, “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t get where I am by paying promises. If they want the money, they’ll have to sue me, and I can always appoint more judges to the Supine Corpse.”

As a territory of the United States, Greenland “will have a greatly glorious future,” the President promised. Plans were already well under way for the construction of several resort and casino complexes, including Dump Glacier and Dump Arctic. “Building these greatly magnificent centers will provide jobs for the impoverished natives,” President Dump said, “and those who don’t work will be sent back to the shithole countries they came from.”

Development will include the construction of an island-girdling fence “to keep out Mexican rapists and foreign penguins.” Denmark would pay for the construction, but until the money comes through from Denmark, the fence will be paid for by diversion of funds appropriated by Congress for primary children’s school lunches.

The President added that Greenland would henceforth be known as the Dumpland Territory. He would shortly ask the Senate to admit Dumpland as the 51st state, with 37 electoral votes, before the 2020 presidential election. As for the House of Representatives, “I hope the Dems will do the right thing, but if not to hell with them. Dumpland will be the next state and its people love me.”

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Vote for Hatred

Sir: Here is our first draft of the re-election ad. We look forward to your comments.

Vote for Hatred. Vote for Me.

All those Others who Infest OUR COUNTRY are against us. We must stop them. Hate them.

The Other party candidates are against Hatred. They tell us to be kind to your Enemies. We must Hate them.

If you don’t know who they are, I will tell you. They are the FAKE PEOPLE who hate me. Because they hate me, they hate you. You must Hate them.

The Other party candidates tell you to love your Enemies. No. You must Hate Enemies.

I am against violence. Self-defense is not violence. Self-defense defeats enemies. Hating Enemies is good.

I am only Candidate who stands for Hatred. Vote for Me.

I like it. But too complicated. Can’t you make it simpler? Put in word lynch a few times. Also shooting.

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The President comments

@realRonaldDump

My THOUGHTS and PRAYERS with our American citizens, from Toledo to Palo Alto. Especially Toledo mostly real Americans.

Texas also in my thoughts. Empty until 1776. Then Americans moved in and made Texas Great Again for frist time. Wonderful place untill President Africa let those Hispanic people invade from Mexico. And other shithole places. Because many smart people say he was born in Zamibia. Why we need big beautiful border WALL, so don’t have to shoot invaders.

Dems say I am White Supremacy. Fake news. When all the INVADERS from shithole countries are sent back, we will all be ONE PEOPLE. No-one to be superior to except other countries. Also no more violence since all the same AMERICANS.

And elections too. Just divide us REAL AMERICANS.

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Democrats respond to President’s surprise announcement

WASHINGTON, November 5, 2020 (Rooters agency) – After meeting from Wednesday evening into the early morning hours today, members of the Democratic National Committee and influential Democratic politicians emerged to declare their party’s response to President Ronald Dump’s announcement and related events of a day earlier.

Despite many earlier hints of what was coming, most Democratic leaders appeared genuinely surprised when, at 6 a.m. Washington time on Wednesday, President Ronald Dump tweeted that the previous day’s events were a “FAKE ELECTION.”

Electoral returns on Tuesday night appeared to show a clear popular vote and Electoral College majority for Democratic candidate Joe Tactile Biparts, but a second Dump tweet declared: “Take out 5 million ILLEGAL MIGRANT votes, and I WON! Why Dems blocked my BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL!”

Then, shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday, Attorney General Willie Wagtail announced that the Justice Department had asked for a ruling by the Supine Corpse that the presidential election results were “null and void until further notice.”

While most legal scholars were skeptical that the Administration could present sufficient evidence to convince the Corpse that the election results were invalid and should be overturned, they said that Wagtail’s tactical moves gave the Administration a chance of success. As reported, the Justice Department yesterday sought and received from Justice Brash Cattlecar a temporary injunction preventing the Electoral College from meeting until the full Supine Corpse had met and ruled on the Department’s suit.

Normally, the Corpse could be expected to consider such an important case very quickly, but because the Corpse is not now in session, many of the Justices are far from Washington. How quickly they can return is unknown, given yesterday’s Executive Order by the President closing all airports and railway stations because of the “imminent threat” of an “Islamic ISIS terrorist attack.”

In their response to these events, the Democratic leaders stressed “the need for calm.” House Speaker Natty Petunia declared: “We are confident that the nation’s highest judicial authority will reject the President’s attempt to overturn the voters’ decision. So there is no need for anyone to get too worked up about President Dump’s latest outrageous criminal action. We’ve become used to these.” Therefore, the Democrats would wait for the Supine Corpse decision before deciding on their next move.

Endorsing this decision, Democratic candidate Biparts told the media, “In my years in the Senate, I demonstrated my ability to work with politicians on the other side of democracy. I can continue to do that; it’s one of the reasons my party selected me as the candidate.”

Biparts added that he takes “inspiration from the example of one of my predecessors in the vice presidency. When Albert Gofer was robbed of the Presidency, he realized that personal justice for himself was less important than not upsetting the apple cart and very likely disrupting preparations for the Super Bowl, so he stepped aside, taking the high road of pleading ineffectually for improvements in this or that, and eventually winning the Nobel Prize.”

Asked by reporters whether the events of Tuesday and Wednesday showed that the Democrats had made a mistake in not moving to impeach President Trump in 2019, Natty Petunia replied,On the contrary: it shows we were right not to impeach, which would have made President Dump a martyr and cost us public support. Following the sensible course we did has meant we won the vote.”

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The President’s speech

[The following is an unofficial transcript by Rooters agency of President Ronald Dump’s July 4 speech in Washington.]

My fellow good people Americans on both sides – you know who I mean:

Today is an important anniversary of the day that our forefathers – and our foremother, Betsy Ross, and to hell with Adidas – the day that they signed the Declaration of Independence, and one of the delegates, John McHenry, signed his name in big writing, like I use when I sign an executive order, so that the King of England, whose name was John Bull, could read it without a translator, because King John Bull was English and John McHenry wrote his name in American.

That Declaration they signed changed the history of the universe and even the galaxy. Because it said that all men are created equal, and of course we know that things from other parts of the galaxy or the planet are not men and therefore they aren’t equal, it’s in the Constitution only three-fifths and women not at all except Betsy Ross.

But while the Continental Congress was meeting in Pittsburgh, the things that really matter, which isn’t Congress, was in the army in New York. This by the way is the patriotic reason that I built apartment blocks in New York that didn’t rent to things from other galaxies. And they should still execute those five alien rapists, what do the courts know they weren’t there with General Washington.

General Washington was our country’s greatest general, almost as great a general as I was except I couldn’t do that army thing because I had bone spurs. But General Washington saw that the British, who were allies of the English, wanted to send paratroopers to invade New York and our other cities, so he ordered the army to seize the airports and put a tariff on paratroopers, so that King John Bull would have to pay to invade us and so they gave up. It just shows how our side should never give up the fight like no hero John McCain did, whose name is already in that book of the Bible, where McCain killed McAbel.

So our nation, the world’s greatest nation for the last two years, will continue to be the greatest there is. We are going to plant the American flag on Mars. In fact, not what the fake news tells you, we have already done it. You’ve seen the pictures of Neil McHenry unfurling the Apollo 11 rockets red glare flag on the moon under President Reagan, and the moon is part of Mars. So we’ve done it already. But the previous administrations wouldn’t tell you. Shame on them.

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Iran misunderstands US demand

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The administration of President Ronald Dump has been working overtime in an effort to “correct an unfortunate misunderstanding.”

The misunderstanding arose when Secretary of State Dick Pompous told a press conference that President Dump was ready to engage in talks with the Iranian government only when Iran behaved “like a normal nation.”

“Let’s take them at their word,” Iranian President Hassan Rubaiyat reportedly told a meeting of his cabinet. “Presumably they regard themselves as normal. So Pompous is telling us to act like them.”

Of course, the Iranians realized that they lacked the resources to achieve the full normality of the United States, but they began doing their best to imitate the model. First came the annexation of approximately 40% of neighboring Turkmenistan. “Nothing personal,” read their message to the Turkmenistan government as Iranian troops poured across the border, “but we have a manifest destiny that involves as much of the Caspian Sea as we can get.”

When Azerbaijan, which also borders the Caspian Sea, was reported to be seeking foreign backing against possible Iranian claims, President Rubaiyat announced the Rubaiyat Doctrine, which said that Iran would oppose any foreign involvement in Caspian affairs, “and Russia has promised to back us.”

At the same time, Iran reportedly began sending sizable secret funds to a number of political parties in Europe and South America, in an effort to ensure that future governments in selected countries would be favorable to Iran.

Proposals for the establishment of Iranian military bases in southern British Columbia, Ontario, and northern Mexico are being discussed with the Canadian and Mexican governments. An Iranian naval flotilla, including an aircraft carrier, two battleships, and submarines armed with tactical nuclear weapons, is preparing to conduct a “freedom of the seas operation” by sailing through the Straits of Florida.

“That’s not what we meant!” Secretary Pompous told an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council. “We are the abnormal nation. Normal nations are the rest of you, the ones we do it to.”

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