3 Governments defend new military pact

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In what some analysts are calling “the biggest move for international peace and security since the Stalin-Hitler pact,” the US, UK, and Australia have formed a new defense alliance among the three countries.

Since those countries were already allied in various ways, the governments were asked what was “new” about the pact, aside from its name, Auktopus. For a start, explained a spokesperson for the British Foreign Secretary, the agreement “most definitely does not include France or the European Union, especially France. Prime Minister Bro Jejune insisted on that.”

A source in the State Department said that President Joe Notrump and Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered “have nothing against France. But their job is to look after American companies, whether they are making submarines or intercontinental missiles.

“Also, there is considerable advantage in a pact that doesn’t include NETO [Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization]. NETO involves 30 countries – at latest count, and it may be cloning more as we speak. With that large a group, it’s almost inevitable that one or more of them will have governments that find it politically inconvenient when we want them to support us invading somewhere. And if they say so openly, it creates bad publicity for us. Too much of that could threaten public support for our wars.”

On another controversial aspect of Auktopus, Australian Prime Minister Dunder Fella has responded to Chinese charges that the pact is intended to create a new cold war. “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “We wouldn’t be buying submarines – from anyone – if we didn’t intend to use them. So you don’t need to worry about a cold war. That would be a waste of taxpayers’ money.”

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Surprise disruption of MLB playoffs

TAMPA BAY (Rooters agency) October 7, 2021 – The Major League Baseball playoffs were thrown into confusion today when the opening game of the American League divisional series here was abruptly discontinued in the first inning.

The Rays pitcher had just begun his windup for the second pitch of the game when a dozen or more Florida state police burst onto the field, stopping play.

The police quickly handcuffed the home plate umpire and the Tampa Bay catcher, photographing both of them wearing protective masks.

At the same time, police used the stadium’s public address system to announce that the wearing of masks in public was a violation of a lawful order by Florida’s Governor, Rump Dunceitis. The game would be allowed to continue only if all involved promised that there would be no further use of “illegal” face-wear.

However, the umpires and the managers of both teams agreed that not using baseball’s traditional protective masks would be dangerous, and possibly illegal, so the game was abandoned.

MLB officials are now in conference about how to proceed. It seems most likely that the series will be moved out of Florida as quickly as that can be arranged, to a location less likely to suffer unexpected disruption. Colombia has been mentioned as one possibility.

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New party plans road freedom protests

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – America’s newest political party has announced plans for protests on roads in major cities and at strategic locations on the interstate highway system.

A spokesperson for the Complete Liberty Party said that “thousands, or dozens, of our supporters” would demonstrate their opposition to “governments’ unconstitutional and socialistic attempts to destroy our freedoms by banning us from driving on parts of the roads that our own taxes have paid for.”

They would do this by driving their vehicles “on the right side, left side, or middle” of roads and expressways, “including switching sides whenever it suits us.”

The spokesperson declined to specify when the protest actions would take place. “We are for complete liberty, so we would not presume to tell our supporters when to do something. We will back them whenever and wherever they defend their God-given freedom to defy dictatorship over our roads.”

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President comments on Cuba

WASHINGTON (Reuters agency) – Following is the text of a statement issued by President Joe Notrump on the situation in Cuba:

“We stand with the Cuban people and their call for relief from the tragic grip of the coronavirus pandemic. The pandemic is of course due to socialism, as proved by the fact that it has had almost no impact in the United States.

“We also support their call for relief from the decades of repression and economic suffering to which they have been subjected by the Cuban regime’s refusal to follow our orders. Their rights, including the right of peaceful protest and the right to freely determine their own future, would be respected if only they would exercise them by inviting United States corporations to retake control of their economy. If not, the blockade will continue.

“The United States (that is, me and my sponsors) calls on the Cuban government to serve the needs of its people by following our instructions, since we know better than anyone else what is good for them. After all, was Batista really all that bad?”

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NATO: What’s in a name?

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – To the surprise of many geopolitical scientists who weren’t paying attention, a big issue at this week’s NATO summit has been names.

NATO of course stands for North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Even when it was first formed – to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe, in case you’ve forgotten – the name was a bit odd, since it implied that Italy was a North Atlantic country, something that most Italians had probably not previously believed.

A few years later, NATO expanded to include Greece and Turkey. Aside from the inconvenience of a military alliance including members in the habit of shooting at each other, this further implied that the designation North Atlantic included pretty much all of the Mediterranean. Libyans and Serbians therefore couldn’t really say they hadn’t been warned when the bombs started falling – in order to forestall a Russian invasion, just in case the Russians might have been thinking about it.

Over the years, the North Atlantic, according to the US definition of NATO, has expanded to include the Baltic Sea and the Black Sea.

So NATO’s name has been increasingly inappropriate. When this week’s summit heard the proposal of US President Joe Notrump that the South China Sea be included in the definition of North Atlantic, at least one European leader is reported to have raised an objection. While he had no problem about engaging in a nuclear war with China, he didn’t want his country’s children miseducated about geography: If the kids thought parts of Asia were in the North Atlantic, wouldn’t that make it harder to raise fears about Asian refugees?

This leader therefore proposed that NATO stand for North of Antarctica Treaty Organization. With this definition, it would be considered quite normal if NATO decided to set up bases, or drop bombs, just about anywhere.

President Notrump was reportedly attracted by the proposal and sent it for evaluation by his advisors. However, the CIA raised the objection that the proposed name implied that the alliance had no military role in Antarctica itself. But the CIA had already found signs of terrorist propaganda among the continent’s penguins. And, even more seriously, the likely prospect of the Antarctic being ice free in a century or two made it imperative to ensure that the continent had a security environment suitable for the protection of the American Way, which would probably have to relocate there.

President Notrump therefore proposed a name change that also involved a slight change in the alliance’s initials. It will henceforth be NETO – the Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization. (The “Nearly” was important, the President pointed out, aside from minimizing public awareness of the change. “If everywhere was included,” he asked, “who would be the necessary enemy?”)

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Secretary of State elaborates on right of self-defense

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Defending the Administration’s refusal to condemn Israeli bombing of Gaza because “Israel has the right to defend itself,” Secretary of State Wynkin Blinkered today argued that “American support for the right of self-defense has a long tradition.”

Think of the settling of the United States West, Blinkered said. “Those brave pioneers in their covered wagons: when they were attacked, they drew into a circle and defended themselves with rifle fire or Gatling guns until the attackers retreated or were dead.”

Earlier in US history, during the American Revolution and even colonial times, Americans firmly exercised their right to self-defense, Blinkered continued, causing surviving hostile Indian forces to retreat westward.

In more recent history, he said, at the end of the 19th century in China, armed terrorists, who initially masqueraded as “boxers”, attacked Europeans and Americans: diplomats, missionaries, soldiers, opium merchants and similar peaceful and lawful residents or visitors. The United States was part of the Eight Nation Alliance that successfully defended international law and the threatened groups, whom the terrorists identified on the basis of race.

In the same period, American troops in the Philippines, who, Blinkered pointed out, were lawfully present to maintain peace and good order in accordance with a treaty between the US and Spain, the previous lawful authority, were attacked by terrorists calling themselves the “Philippine Republic.” The US and its troops defended themselves bravely throughout the subsequent three-year police action that was necessary to suppress the terrorists.

“If you study history,” Blinkered concluded, “America has always stood up for the right of self-defense. Just the last century alone is an almost unbroken record of the United States defending itself against threats and attacks from literally scores of different countries. It would be rank hypocrisy if we were to criticize our ally, Israel, for following our lead in its own, much smaller, way.”

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Business puzzled by part of President’s speech

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – While President Joe Notrump’s speech marking his 100 days in office was welcomed by many parts of the business community, a new and influential business association has expressed doubts about one passage.

The press officer for the recently established organization Billionaires for Prosperity (BFP) told reporters: “We don’t understand the President’s repeated encouragement to ‘Buy America.’

“Our members already own America; we bought it ages ago. We don’t think it would be fair to make us buy it again. Although, if we have to, of course we will.”

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Hackers send ‘up yours’ to US government

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The foreign hackers who are believed to have been hacking into US government systems appear to have escalated their activities in what US security agencies call an “impudent” fashion.

This is the conclusion of a careful study of a message that appeared on a new and untraceable web site last week. The site, bearing the name “Gotcha,” listed some of the recent reports about the hacking of US agencies and then added:

“Remember how you reassured US citizens worried about your phone tapping, email intercepting and other spying activities? If you’re not doing anything wrong, you said, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

“But now you’re very worried about people reading your emails. After we’ve had a look at some of them, it’s clear why no one in Washington is repeating that ‘nothing to worry about’ line any more.”

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Surprises on casualties in Pentagon study

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – A still classified study for the Pentagon is reported to suggest some major strategical changes that might significantly reduce American military casualties in the Middle East.

The study, coming after the recent rocket attacks on American forces in Iraq, which provoked President Notrump’s order of retaliatory bombing raids on Syria,* has revealed some surprising information: of all the US service people killed or wounded in Iraq in the last five years, none have been killed or wounded in the United States.

Even more striking is the study’s finding that, during the same period throughout the broader Middle East, the statistics were identical: none of the American casualties occurred in the United States.

According to a source in the Pentagon, the study has not yet been thoroughly reviewed by top layers of the Department of Defense, so it is not known whether the findings will have any significant ramifications for US policy in the Middle East. It is also unknown whether similar studies are planned for other areas of the world.

* At Rooters, we are reporters. We tell you what happened. Don’t ask us to make sense out of it.

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Cryptocurrency rise solves nearly everything

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – The executives in charge of the cryptocurrency Barnumcoin have announced that they will renounce their entitlement to untold wealth in order to benefit the entire world.

Last week’s speculative rise in the value of Barnumcoins took the total value of all the world’s Barnumcoins to around $270-280 trillion. This is more than three times the annual gross world product – the value of all the economic activity on the planet.

P.T. Bespoke, on behalf of a collective of Barnumcoin investors, has announced that the group, which owns about 60-62 percent of the world’s Barnumcoins, after reserving $5 trillion of the currency for its members, has decided to distribute all the rest of its Barnumcoins equally to the entire population of the Earth.

They calculate that this means every human being will receive Barnumcoins to an approximate value of $30,000. (People who have incomes from other sources would of course continue to receive them.) But that is only the beginning: there is no reason why the bonus to everyone cannot occur annually, provided only that people generally continue to invest in this golden goose.

With every individual guaranteed an income of at least $30,000 a year, there would no longer be any economic compulsion for anyone to work at any task they didn’t want to do. In such a situation, it should be easy to smooth out and eventually overcome hostility and conflicts between groups that in the past often felt the need to compete for economic resources.

It is clear, Mr Bespoke concluded, that we are on the threshold of a perfect world – as long as we all continue investing in Barnumcoins.

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