Cabinet decides on renaming months

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Rooters has obtained a transcript of the most recent meeting of the President’s Cabinet. This account is based on that transcript.

“Brilliant! A stroke of genius! We’re honored to hear of it! Perfect timing! Deal making beyond compare! Moral guidance equal to the Bible!” There was clear and unanimous support from the Cabinet for President Ronald Dump’s declaration that “We should get rid of those old-fashioned months. The ones named for Roman kings. And their gods too. We are a republic. Christians.”

Having approved the idea, the Cabinet meeting immediately set to work implementing it. The President led the way:

“Why call this month June? Probably named for that Emperor Junius Caesar.”

“Very likely, Mr President,” declared Blazes Banshee, who, as Chief Rasputin, attends Cabinet meetings. “The one that Shakespeare wrote about.”

“Shakespeare?!” said the President. “That guy who’s putting out Democrat fake news? Get the FBI to put him in jail! Ring James Combi!”

“He’s not answering, sir,” reported White House Press Secretary Evan Spicier.

“June is the month you were born in, Mr President,” said Education Secretary Bitty DeVoid. “I think we should change its name to reflect that. We could call the month ‘Ronald’.”

“The best idea ever in the history of the world!” the President responded. “I knew I made the right decision in picking you. Now, what about other months?”

“This is a good opportunity to win friends internationally,” suggested Rexxon Pillager, the Secretary of State. “I think Russian President Vladitude Buttinsky would be flattered if we named a month after him. I think he was born in October.”

“He can’t have October,” the President replied. He pointed out that October was the birth month of his first daughter, Vankilla, and should be named for her. To this objection, Banshee added the further consideration that October was also the month of the Russian Revolution, and Buttinsky wouldn’t want to have his name associated with that.

After considering possibilities such as “Vankilla” and “Ronald’s Daughter,” the meeting settled on “Princess,” because, as the President remarked, “Everyone will know that’s her.”

Vice President Mickey Tuppence then proposed that the meeting consider renaming April for the First Lady, Millennia Dump, but the President said they could discuss that another day, because he wanted to see what was happening in the world on Pox News.

“Besides,” he added, “we’ve only got 10 of them left, and we might want to put them up for sale.”

Posted in Julius Caesar, Shakespeare | Leave a comment

President acts to block terror tourists

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today announced “very very necessary” measures to counter “the threat of radical Christian terrorism.”

The President was acting in response to a terrorist attack in the Barely United Kingdom in which a Christian terrorist deliberately drove a van onto a crowded sidewalk, striking numerous innocent civilians, at least one of whom died at the scene.

“It’s shocking,” President Dump declared at a signing ceremony in the Elliptical Office. “Shocking. Young people. Old people. Shocking terrorism. Very very necessary do something. Do. Me.”

The President was signing a new Executive Order intended to stop potential terrorists from entering the country. The order is directed against visitors from not only the BUK, but also France, Germany, Norway, and a number of other European countries whose population is majority Christian.

A White House insider who spoke on condition of anonymity said that President Dump has been increasingly concerned about radical Christian terrorism since several years ago, when he saw a TV program about Anders Breivik, the Norwegian terrorist who in 2011 used bombs and firearms to kill 77 people. Breivik had joined a Christian church in Norway at the age of 15, but there is no clear narrative of how he became radicalized.

Rooters asked White House Press Secretary Evan Spicier if the President was concerned about the possibility of the courts blocking his latest travel ban. Spicier, all of whose remarks are now officially off the record, replied, “It’s not a travel ban. All it says is that, at the border, we’re going to do extreme vetting. And to anyone from these countries who is extremely vetted, we’re going to say, ‘No, you can’t come in.’”

Posted in Anders Breivik, terrorism, travel ban | Leave a comment

Cuba announces sanctions to defend human rights in US

HAVANA (Rooters agency) – The Cuban government has announced the imposition of sanctions intended to persuade the US government to relax its attacks on human rights, less than two years after relations were relaxed in an agreement with the previous US administration.

The Cuban move had been informally foreshadowed by officials here, who were clearly unhappy with the undemocratic and inhumane practices of the new Ronald Dump administration.

In its statement announcing the sanctions, the Cuban Foreign Ministry sharply criticized:

  • “increasing brutality against minority populations, including murders carried out with impunity by US police officers”;

  • “the world’s second highest imprisonment rate* at 0.9%, and another 1.9% of the population under punitive judicial control”;

  • “aggressive military assaults on helpless civilians in many countries”;

  • systematic invasions of the on-line privacy of US citizens”;
  • major elections in which a candidate with fewer votes is declared the winner”;
  • trampling on the rule of law by interference with criminal investigations”;
  • plans to deprive millions of citizens of the human right to medical care”;
  • stepped-up legislative and administrative restrictions on the right to vote”;
  • attempts to institutionalize discrimination against members of a particular religion and against persons whose sexual orientation is not approved by the government”;
  • a crime against all humanity by denying, and attempting to prevent any action to reduce, human-caused climate change.”

The Ministry stressed that its sanctions were targeted so as not to affect the US populace, but only “members of the US government and the private antisocial interests that control them.” Hence, no Ronald Dump hotels or golf courses will be established in Cuba, the most expensive Cuban cigars will not be exported to the United States, and US citizens who feel entitled to assault other people sexually will not be granted visas to Cuba.

A spokesperson for the Cuban Foreign Ministry said that Cuba recognizes it has only very limited power to force the US to improve its behavior. “We hope that other countries which say they are worried about US actions might follow our example. But we’re not holding our breath.”

_____

* The only higher imprisonment rate is in the Seychelles.

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President’s Qatar move hailed

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “Brilliant! A stroke of genius! We’re honored to hear of it! Deal making beyond compare! Moral guidance equal to the Bible!” The reaction to President Ronald Dump’s latest move in regard to the Qatar crisis was unanimous within the Cabinet.

The President’s master stroke left Secretary of State Rexxon Pillager literally at a loss for words. “Mffxmp ksgltmrp,” was all he could manage, and Blazes Banshee, the President’s Chief Rasputin, had to thump Pillager on the back to stop him choking on his coffee.

When President Dump endorsed the blockade of Qatar by Saudi Arabia and its friends and clients – “Those guys have been funding the bad guys. Bad guys got to stop” – most commentators assumed that the administration would downgrade its ties with Qatar, perhaps by restricting the amount of money that the 11,000+ US soldiers stationed there are allowed to spend on their weekend leave in Doha.

So it surprised many people when, only a few days later, Defense Secretary P. Ray Mantis signed an agreement to supply Qatar with “a whole lot” of fighter jets valued at $12 billion more or less, depending on exchange rates and who is getting kickbacks.

Qatar is not a very big country, and it is difficult for a fighter jet to take off from Qatar without flying into the airspace of one of the countries blockading it. This fact added to the surprise at the agreement in the media, Congress, and the White House, in all of which it was speculated that the President had approved the deal under the mistaken idea that Qatar was a province of China.

However, as the President today explained to anyone who would listen, and many who didn’t want to, “This deal is brilliant. Told you I would. I did. Brilliant.”

As eventually deciphered by Banshee and Presidential Counselor Kelly Anna Conda, President Dump was saying that the sale of billions of dollars worth of fighter planes to Qatar would deprive Qatar of precisely that much money, which therefore could no longer be given to the bad guys. “Who could argue with that?” was the universal response in the Cabinet room and the Republican Congressional caucus.

According to a highly placed source who insisted on anonymity, the President may be considering a similar strategy to counter North Korea’s nuclear weapons program. It has been suggested that, “over a hamburger,” North Korean President Kim Jung-il Jim might agree with President Dump to buy “20 or 30 – depends on the price” US hydrogen bombs.

“They wouldn’t have enough cash left to pay for a missile,” the source explained. “You gotta be clever to make good deals.”

Posted in Qatar, Saudi Arabia | Leave a comment

Extreme vetting catches three suspected terrorists

ROME (Ordinatio Fabula), December 26, 753 Years Since the Founding – A curious tale has emerged out of Judea province on the eastern coast of Our Sea.

In a small town not far from Jerusalem, Imperial Immigration and Customs Enforcement (IICE) agents apprehended three illegal immigrants who, unlike most illegal immigrants, appeared to be wealthy.

The three reportedly were carrying items of considerable value, including gold, frankincense, and myrrh. They were therefore initially suspected of being not merely illegal immigrants but also of attempting to smuggle these, and possibly other items, into the Empire, to avoid tariffs.

Much more seriously, it seems likely that the three were intending to fund a terrorist plot against the Empire.

Extreme vetting by the IICE soon produced contradictions in the stories of the illegals. For example, they said they had been led to Judea by “a star in the east,” but they admitted to having come from the east (they could hardly have come out of Our Sea!). So, if they had been following a star that was to the east of them, they would have headed to Syria or Persia or some such place, not to Judea.

Even more absurd was their claim that they had come, not to traffic smuggled goods, but to “worship” someone who had just been “born the King of the Jews.” Contacted by our reporter, King Herod said, “I realize that news sometimes travels slowly in the east, but I am 73 years old – in short, not born yesterday.”

King Herod, ruling the Jews under the gracious permission and benevolence of the Emperor Augustus, added that he knew nothing of the three. He said that he was happy to receive gold or other gifts, but givers should of course not assume that his acceptance would grant them favorable treatment in his administration of Imperial justice.

IICE authorities now think it likely that the goods being smuggled by three, once sold, would have been used to fund terrorist attacks in the hope of installing a new “King.”

Asked to point to the star that had “led” them to Judea and the location it was pointing to, the three smugglers said they couldn’t be sure, but it might be Jerusalem or some nearby place. They would have to be allowed to “follow” the star further to be sure, preferably without observers. Of course, our IICE agents didn’t fall for that one!

The three are expected to face court at some time, charged with violating immigration rules. Unless they confess under further questioning in the next few years, there is probably not enough evidence to charge them with terrorism. And they may not be charged with smuggling, because the illegal contraband they were allegedly carrying appears to have been lost.

If convicted on the illegal immigration charge, they could either be deported to wherever they came from or shipped to Rome to provide entertainment in the Coliseum.

As for the new “King of the Jews,” King Herod’s press secretary said, “If someone wants to make a claim for the throne, let them try. We have the Emperor Augustus on our side, and he will not be challenged. Anyone who challenges the authority of the Empire is just looking for trouble.”

Posted in Augustus, extreme vetting, Herod, immigration, Rome, terrorism, three kings | Leave a comment

President pulls US out of United Nations

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – As had been frequently foreshadowed, President Ronald Dump today announced that the United States was withdrawing from the United Nations.

“It’s a bad deal for America. Huge bad deal for America. And New York. I am President of New York, not President of United Nations,” the President declared in the White House toad garden, before flying off for a week at his Florida resort, Mainly Loco.

Influential figures in the Administration including Blazes Banshee, the Chief Rasputin, and counselor Kelly Anna Conda are well known as geography skeptics and accuse the UN of promoting “the unproven speculation that the world is round.” Batshit News, formerly headed by Mr Banshee, frequently runs articles by correspondents from the southern hemisphere with the theme, “The UN Round Worlders say I’m upside down, so how come I haven’t fallen off?”

During his campaign for the Presidency, Mr Dump several times accused the UN of “promoting a view that belittles America Grate Again.” He expressed particular outrage at the UN emblem: “That’s not what the world looks like. North America is bigger than South America.

  UN emblem, which President says “belittles” North America.

“And Africa. Much too big. Trying to make Americans feel small. But I have great hands.”

Another complaint against the UN has been raised by Attorney General Jeff Balderdash Symptoms, who says it allows too many “illegal travelers” into the US.

However, the President indicated that the United States could rejoin the UN if its founding treaty was renegotiated. “The UN needs a fair treaty that’s fair to America. All those little countries shouldn’t have as many votes as we do. Andrew Jackson never supported giving all those people an equal vote.”

After the US withdrawal, the UN is expected to move its headquarters, perhaps to Geneva. According to an anonymous Administration source-in-law, the existing headquarters building will be converted into luxury apartments under the name Dump’s Dump NYC. Several Middle Eastern governments have already paid holding deposits.

Posted in United Nations, United States | Leave a comment