UN votes to relocate

NEW YORK (Rooters agency) – In a voice vote, the UN General Assembly has adopted the Secretary-General’s recommendation to move the international organization to Washington.

The motion to relocate the United Nations to the Washington hotel Dump’s Dump was presented and motivated by the Secretary-General only a week earlier. “First, it’s a matter of practicalities,” he said. “Very many countries already have lodged their diplomats in the United States in Dump’s Dump. With the UN in the same location, many of these countries will be able make considerable savings on personnel, travel, consultation among their representatives, and so on.”

The Secretary-General denied charges by some media that UN diplomats would be wallowing in luxury once they moved to Washington. “We have specifically rejected renting the rooms with the diamond-studded gold toilet roll holders,” he asserted.

On the economics of the move, “It’s an offer we really can’t afford to refuse,” the Secretary-General said. “As you know, our budget has been restrained by the inability of some member states to pay their assessments on time. Under the arrangements proposed, the rental of United Nations facilities in Dump’s Dump will be paid for by the United States government, these payments being regarded as installments to reduce the $3 billion or whatever it is that the US is behind in its payments.”

This meant, as US ambassador Anarki Hailstorm pointed out, that the UN would occupy Dump’s Dump “rent free for a year, maybe even 15 months if you guys don’t call room service too often.”

Meanwhile, the UN would benefit financially from the privatization and sale of the existing UN building in New York. Arrangements for this were already well advanced, the Secretary-General said, but could not be revealed because they are commercial in confidence.

“The President says this is a great deal for both sides,” Ambassador Hailstorm reported. “For the UN and for the American people. And yes, of course President Dump is an American.”

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Alliance wary of Russian military exercises

ESTONIA (Rooters agency) – A high official of the Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization has sharply criticized current Russian military exercises as “outrageous” and “threatening.”

Jan Stutterstop, secretary-general of NETO, spoke to reporters after visiting British troops stationed in Estonia as part of NETO strategy to block any sudden Russian move against the Shetland Islands.

Standing less than half a mile from the Estonian-Russian border, Stutterstop said, “It would be terrifying if I weren’t so brave. If you look east from here with a pair of binoculars, you can see hundreds and thousands of Russian troops. They’re moving around in Russian territory as if they owned the place.

“It’s very provocative. You can see how threatening it is to NETO troops, not only in the Baltic states but also in Poland, Hungary, Romania and all those little places that used to be part of Yugoslavia. And they are perhaps an even clearer threat to the troops we intend eventually to station in Georgia and Ukraine.”

The current Russian exercises involve around 100,000 troops. “That’s nearly one-third of the US land and naval forces scattered around the globe,” Stutterstop pointed out. “If the US is able to defend itself with forces spread so thinly, why would Russia need so many troops concentrated just in its own territory?”

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President calls for more statues

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump has called for a national effort to “preserve America’s wonderful history and wonderful heritage very much” through the building of “very big very beautiful statues.”

Speaking at a press conference called to explain the Administration’s plan to merge the Boy Scouts with the National Weapons Association, the President departed from his prepared remarks to observe that “the alt-left is ripping American history apart” by opposing “statues that present both sides of history.”

Where is the statue of one of our most successful military leaders in the American Revolution, Major General Arnold?” the President asked. “Even the English appreciate his work. Why is the alt-left afraid of this? There were many very fine people helping General Arnold.”

President Dump also criticized “the Washington swampy elite who want to centralize and destroy your rights” for opposing his proposal to “erect a statue of George Wallace, a fierce defender of the rights of the states,” in front of the Supreme Court.

The President announced that he was creating a new Presidential Advisory Panel. This was necessary because of the loss of all the previously existing Presidential Advisory Panels, which puffed off into irrelevance when they discovered that the President wasn’t interested in advice from anyone about anything.

President Dump said that the new Presidential Advisory Panel on Statues (PAPS) will be tasked with considering “historical heritage people of our very American history” who could be the subject of new statues. He had himself already nominated Father Charles Coughlin, because of his “historic historical role of bringing religion into government.”

Other names reported to be under consideration because of their undeniable role in American history include Lee Harvey Oswald and Charles Manson.

Rooters has so far been unable to confirm a leak from within the Administration that PAPS will also be asked to recommend whether and how Mount Rushmore “could be updated with more modern Presidents.”

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President reveals his philosophical bent

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After the proven success of banning use of the term “climate change” by government departments and agencies, the Administration of President Ronald Dump has decided to broaden the policy.

It was recently discovered that staff at USDA have been told to avoid using the words “climate change”, replacing it with “don’t know” or “nothing to see here.” (USDA, formerly the Department of Agriculture, has been renamed the Department of Agnosticism.) Staff have also been told that “carbon dioxide” should be called “plant stuff.”

The success of the renaming was cited in a memorandum to the President that has just become public despite being written several weeks ago by Stark Puerile, the head of the Environmental Prevention Agency. Puerile apparently forgot to mark the memo “Top Secret,” which is why it was not reported earlier.

The memo, headed “A Powerful Blow Against Political Correctness,” noted that, “within only a few days” of the ban on the phrase, “snow fell in many parts of Antarctica and, according to reports we are investigating, in some other areas of the world as well.”

Inspired by this development, the President ordered that the example be followed by other government bodies. Among the changes already implemented, “southern border” and “Mexican border” have been replaced by “The Wall,” and “coal” has been changed to “diamonds stock.”

The Bureau of Labor Statistics is said to be debating whether “unemployment” should become “extra leisure time” or “searching for improvement.” The State Department has begun referring to North Korea as “Country Double Plus Bad,” while both Russia and China are “To Be Announced.”

Professor Jack Derringdo, author of the best-seller Postmodern Presidency, commented that President Dump’s changes of terminology “confirm the philosophical influences outlined in my very perceptive book. It is clear that the President accepts that things can be changed by changing their names.”

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