President denounces ‘lies’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “Lies, lies, lies,” President Ronald Dump tweeted today. “It’s all lies. I never did anything. And I’m the BEST DIDN’T DO IT.”

The President was so annoyed that he barely paused to acknowledge that, because of his consistent tweeting, a poll of the internet had awarded him the title of Chief Twit. “I deserve it,” he tweeted, “but everything else is fake news.”

President Dump added that fake news included the idea that President Africa had been born – anywhere – that his daughter Vankilla was actually married to Middle East Mastermind Jaded Kumquat, or that anything a President said could be taken seriously in a criminal trial, especially if there was a tape recording of what he was sorry for having said but he didn’t say it.

The President was also questioned today about former National Secrecy Advocate Mickey Finn, who yesterday pleaded guilty to inconsistent lying. At breakfast this morning, the President’s wife Vanilla asked whether Finn’s action had any implications on where they should enroll their child for school next semester.

President Dump responded that there was nothing to worry about. The special prosecutor was part of a Chinese conspiracy to make people believe that ice melts at temperatures above 0 degrees.

The President concluded the day by warning he was losing patience. His last (437th) tweet of the day was: “If they keep this up, I’m going to nuke Rocket Man, with BOTH HANDS.”