President fights back against ‘witch-hunt’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “It’s a witch-hunt,” President Ronald Dump declared yesterday, in defense of his Attorney General Pro Tem, Jeff Balderdash Symptoms.

And I know who’s running this witch-hunt,” he told a late morning meeting of Republican Congressional leaders. “It’s the illegal immigrant drug dealers and rapists and murderers. If we had a wall, they wouldn’t be able to do this.

“They say he lied to Congress. Nonsense! Nobody in my administration is allowed to lie without my permission, and I didn’t even know what it was he needed to lie about. So I didn’t tell him.”

In the afternoon, one of the three reporters admitted to this week’s White House press briefing asked Press Secretary Evan Spicier for details regarding the criminals running the witch-hunt against Mr Symptoms.

“Most of it is still confidential,” Spicier said, but added that the matter had been thoroughly investigated by VICE (Vocal Inane Crime Exaggeration), the division set up in DHS (Department of Hellfire and Surveillance) by the President’s January 25 executive order.

VICE’s mandate is to “make public a comprehensive list of criminal actions committed by aliens.”

Spicier admitted that there had been a few “teething problems” with the new body: the initial list of alien crimes compiled by VICE was mostly about creatures emerging from flying saucers and kidnapping pets or taking carrots from the observers’ vegetable gardens.

“However, we are certain that VICE will now get down to the business of exposing immigrant crime,” Spicier said. “We expect that, by the end of next week, VICE will provide detailed statistics on these crimes for all of 2017 and possibly a large part of 2018. And I can assure you, these figures will be staggering.”

Late last night, the President tweeted another comment, in response to Democratic members of Congress calling for Symptoms’ resignation: “Dems out of touch with reality. World out of touch with reality. Sad. Watch out World! My fingers on nuclear buttons. VERY BIG FINGERS.”