President to continue religious pilgrimages

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After visiting an Episcopalian church and a Roman Catholic shrine in recent days, President Ronald Dump today said he intends to continue making pilgrimages to various religious sites.

Speaking to reporters in the White House Toad Garden, the President said he intends to visit both a synagogue and a mosque, “because my advisors say I should be excommentical.”

Shortly thereafter, White House press secretary Klueless McNinny said that the President’s additional “deeply religious” pilgrimages would be preceded by tear gas, flash grenades, and mounted police “to show that this administration is broad church and to clear out any Jews or Muslims who might get in the way of the photographers.” However, McNinny said there were “no plans at this time” for the President to visit “a Mexican rapist church.”

On another topic, the President told the same gathering that he had visited the White House underground “bunker” several days earlier, not to hide from possible attacks, but to “inspect it and make sure it was broad churchy but Christian first.” He added that his visit to the bunker had occurred during the day, not at night, as had been reported: “You wouldn’t want to go there at night. It’s too dark and scary.”