Welcome to the website of the American Lunacy Expansion Conspiracy. If you are not (1) very wealthy, (2) a member of a state legislature or of Congress, or (3) someone willing to do anything to get into the second category: please go somewhere else. Immediately. Do it now, damn you, or we’ll send drones.
Now that we’ve disposed of the riff-raff, welcome to our organization. The American Lunacy Expansion Conspiracy has two main departments. These sections of course collaborate but have distinctive roles. They are:
Spending Money to Assist Reactionary Toughs (SMART ALEC). The role of this section is to provide funding for politicians, regardless of party, as long as they are willing to help the human race go backwards as quickly as possible.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that SMART ALEC automatically throws money at anyone who says he thinks that Hermann Goering and Dubbya Bush have been unjustly maligned by the left-wing media. Not at all.
As well, they have to commit to support specific legislative measures, such as repeal of minimum wage laws, environmental protection laws, child labor laws, the 13th and 19th amendments to the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Thomas Paine, common sense (not just Paine’s), and the Magna Carta.
They also have to pledge to support goodness, which we define for them from time to time as necessary.
So, yes, if you’re a legislator or aspiring legislator with a chance of making it and are willing to meet our very reasonable conditions, SMART ALEC has campaign funding for you.
If we can, we’ll also be funding your opponent, thanks to the generous donations from our founders, the Chalk cousins. If you object to that, you don’t understand how democracy works.
Deliberately Underpinning Maniacal Beliefs (DUMB ALEC). This department is not directly involved in electoral politics, but rather supports the spread of ideas that will aid our candidates and/or the suppression of other ideas.
Worldwide, DUMB ALEC is a leading funder of climate-change denial information. (We spend nearly all of it in the US, the only place that matters.) So, if your business would be harmed by a legal requirement to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, send us your donation today: you can count on a ten-fold return.
But we are not discriminatory: almost any crazy idea will gain our support, as long as it has sufficiently reactionary implications.
Is air that lacks sufficient quantities of hydrocarbons harmful to your health? We can provide studies that prove it: old ones properly interpreted or new ones (starting tomorrow, for a slight surcharge).
Does paying workers limit the number of jobs available? Our economic researchers can provide any number of quotations indicating this.
Is it possible to pump millions of gallons of carcinogenic chemicals into the ground without fumes drifting into the surrounding air? Who cares? The fumes are harmless.
What about those chemicals seeping into aquifers? What about them?
Is the increase of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere likely to cause any changes? We might get more plants as a result, because plants live on carbon dioxide.
Do public school teachers indoctrinate your children in terrorism/communism/Islam/drug use. Of course: that’s what they’re paid to do.
Can the human race ever return to the Garden of Eden? Yes, but neoliberalism by itself isn’t enough. In the Garden originally, there weren’t any black people: you’ve seen the paintings. Support your local police.
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