WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “We never comment on such things and they can’t possibly be true,” said White House deputy press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders, responding to reporters’ queries about the latest release of documents by whistleblower website StickyLeaks, which included what appear to be discussions of possible bombing attacks on and/or invasions of other countries.
President Ronald Dump backed Wannabe Slanders’ statement, sort of, tweeting: “More FAKE NEWS. If didn’t prepare for trouble, wouldn’t be doing my job.”
The most controversial document in the StickyLeaks release appears to be a memo for the President from Blazes Banshee, the administration’s Chief Rasputin. It discusses how the President should respond to the uproar caused by the firing of James Comfy as director of the Frequently Bungling Inquisitors (FBI).
“No point arguing facts (I know no-one has suggested that),” the memo said. “Last time Russian stuff came up, bombing Syrian airfield produced 100% turnaround in fake news media. They called you Presidential – which you are, of course, but they never admitted it before.
“Comfy problem needs some kind of repeat, but don’t know if we can persuade Basher al-Desade to provide another atrocity in time.
“Whatever, we need to attack someone …”
Other documents in the StickyLeaks release appeared to be evaluations of the political usefulness or otherwise of attacking specific targets. They included:
“Iraq: Have done a lot of killing already, so it wouldn’t look like a new, decisive, Presidential action.”
“Afghanistan: Same problem as Iraq.”
“Pakistan: Characteristics making target attractive: Muslim, sectarian, dictatorial, nuclear armed, unpredictable, dangerous. Characteristics against targeting: It’s on our side.”
“Israel: Except it’s not Muslim, same evaluation as Pakistan.”
“Russia: Some areas have mostly Muslim populations, could be bombed without arousing too much protest.”
“Western Europe: Many of our voters already think the French are sissies, so knocking down the Eiffel Tower would get applause. Germany: We could say that flattening Berlin had been indicated when President Dump refused to shake hands with Chancellor Muckle; also, Muckle has let in lots of refugees, and targeted bombing could get some of them. England: Hard to attack here after President’s hand-holding with Prime Minister Tiramisu Might. But could be presented – before BUK [Barely United Kingdom] elections – as necessary to stop communist Geoffrey Coldcut from coming to power.”
UPDATE: President Dump moments ago tweeted a declaration of war and an invitation to meet in New York for a hamburger to North Korean dictator Kim Jung-il Jim. It is not clear how this will affect the demands for the appointment of a special prosecutor to look into possible Russian government links with the Dump campaign.