My fellow Americans – and Democrats too, my advisors said I should be excommentical:
Tonight, and maybe tomorrow too but we hope not just in case, we face a terrible foreign virus, colonicalvirus, but it’s not too bad if everyone does as they are told and we plan to tell them what to do as soon as we finish our plan. But don’t buy up all the toilet paper and flush the toilet more than five times.
Right now today and already months ago our scientists were hard at work to develop a vaccine that can change a dangerous foreign Chinese virus into a good safe American virus. That vaccine will soon be available at a reasonable price and until then you have to be cautious. Unfortunately, the vaccine will not be covered by insurance because if you have the virus it is a preconditioning existence, and former President Africa’s horrible health plan wants you all to die.
Don’t go overseas and waste your money at foreign resorts to catch colonicalvirus, you can stay right here in America, for example at my wonderful Mainly Loco Florida resort. We are building another Big Beautiful Wall around Mainly Loco to keep out all unAmerican viruses, so you will feel quite safe from that and also no Fake News Democrats there.
Also, to protect the American people from foreign Chinese viruses, we will not allow any Europeans into our country. Many people don’t know that China is one of the biggest countries in Europe.
Many doctors say that for now you should stay home and not go into crowded places except beautiful American resorts which aren’t really crowded very relaxed and reasonable prices and no foreign viruses. And I don’t want to argue with medical science except when it’s Fake Medicine.
So we need to avoid lots of people together when we don’t have to. Like two years ago during the Congressional elections, and in 2016, there were many people standing in line together waiting to vote. And in 2020, we’ve made sure that the lines in many places will be even longer.
Therefore, I have decided to postpone the elections that were scheduled in November. Until the virus threat is defeated, if necessary with the greatest fire and brimstone the world has ever seen, current office holders should continue in their present positions – except for Fake Speaker Natty Petunia, who my doctors tell me is already infected with the colonicalvirus and is therefore to be quarantined on Guam or Bikini atoll.
My fellow Americans – and Democrats too – let us together defeat this aggressive foreign virus by spending our money at good clean American resorts and not worrying about minor things.