WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The possibility that the former Secretary of State may have (accidentally or otherwise) deleted emails relevant to her official tasks is not really a matter of concern, according to the head of the National Surveillance Agency.
Speaking to reporters in a non-attributable background briefing in a rather posh Washington bar, NSA Director Johnny Clodhopper said that it doesn’t matter whether the former Secretary had really turned over all her officially related emails to the Congress. “In fact, it makes no difference whether she sent official messages via her private connection or sent personal messages on the government system.”
The reason, he explained, is simple: “We’ve recorded it all. We record everything. Anyone can delete whatever they like, but we still have it all.”
The reporters present were stunned, especially after their third vodka martini. Did this mean that the NSA surveils not only potential Muslims, but also top levels of the Government?
“It wasn’t deliberate,” Clodhopper explained. “You have to understand, we were this organization of klutzes, basically; many of our top operatives couldn’t adapt to using push-button phones. And then the government sent us all these computer whiz-bangs, and they overwhelmed us with 40 quadrillion megaparsecs of data per second.
“We would have liked to delete the phone calls and bathroom noises of the President and other Government officials – not to mention the pictures. But to do that, we would have had to listen first, to find out what was relevant and should be deleted, and what was irrelevant and should be saved. It was all too hard, so we haven’t done anything. But it’s all still there in our database.”
When a journalist who had not coped well with his fourth vodka martini expressed skepticism about what Director Clodhopper had just said, the latter reacted indignantly: “Why would I lie to nobodies like you? I can go and lie to Congress if I want to. Get real!”
Asked whether the NSA’s recordings contained any relevant information that had not been provided to the Congress, Clodhopper explained that US laws didn’t allow him to provide such information.
“But you guys have already published many times that we send all our stuff to the Five Eyes partners. I’m sure you know how to get a tip by promising to print how much the US President appreciates the local leader, especially when the local leader is not very popular locally. Try the southern hemisphere.”