The President’s speech

[The following is an unofficial transcript by Rooters agency of President Ronald Dump’s July 4 speech in Washington.]

My fellow good people Americans on both sides – you know who I mean:

Today is an important anniversary of the day that our forefathers – and our foremother, Betsy Ross, and to hell with Adidas – the day that they signed the Declaration of Independence, and one of the delegates, John McHenry, signed his name in big writing, like I use when I sign an executive order, so that the King of England, whose name was John Bull, could read it without a translator, because King John Bull was English and John McHenry wrote his name in American.

That Declaration they signed changed the history of the universe and even the galaxy. Because it said that all men are created equal, and of course we know that things from other parts of the galaxy or the planet are not men and therefore they aren’t equal, it’s in the Constitution only three-fifths and women not at all except Betsy Ross.

But while the Continental Congress was meeting in Pittsburgh, the things that really matter, which isn’t Congress, was in the army in New York. This by the way is the patriotic reason that I built apartment blocks in New York that didn’t rent to things from other galaxies. And they should still execute those five alien rapists, what do the courts know they weren’t there with General Washington.

General Washington was our country’s greatest general, almost as great a general as I was except I couldn’t do that army thing because I had bone spurs. But General Washington saw that the British, who were allies of the English, wanted to send paratroopers to invade New York and our other cities, so he ordered the army to seize the airports and put a tariff on paratroopers, so that King John Bull would have to pay to invade us and so they gave up. It just shows how our side should never give up the fight like no hero John McCain did, whose name is already in that book of the Bible, where McCain killed McAbel.

So our nation, the world’s greatest nation for the last two years, will continue to be the greatest there is. We are going to plant the American flag on Mars. In fact, not what the fake news tells you, we have already done it. You’ve seen the pictures of Neil McHenry unfurling the Apollo 11 rockets red glare flag on the moon under President Reagan, and the moon is part of Mars. So we’ve done it already. But the previous administrations wouldn’t tell you. Shame on them.