President reveals his philosophical bent

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – After the proven success of banning use of the term “climate change” by government departments and agencies, the Administration of President Ronald Dump has decided to broaden the policy.

It was recently discovered that staff at USDA have been told to avoid using the words “climate change”, replacing it with “don’t know” or “nothing to see here.” (USDA, formerly the Department of Agriculture, has been renamed the Department of Agnosticism.) Staff have also been told that “carbon dioxide” should be called “plant stuff.”

The success of the renaming was cited in a memorandum to the President that has just become public despite being written several weeks ago by Stark Puerile, the head of the Environmental Prevention Agency. Puerile apparently forgot to mark the memo “Top Secret,” which is why it was not reported earlier.

The memo, headed “A Powerful Blow Against Political Correctness,” noted that, “within only a few days” of the ban on the phrase, “snow fell in many parts of Antarctica and, according to reports we are investigating, in some other areas of the world as well.”

Inspired by this development, the President ordered that the example be followed by other government bodies. Among the changes already implemented, “southern border” and “Mexican border” have been replaced by “The Wall,” and “coal” has been changed to “diamonds stock.”

The Bureau of Labor Statistics is said to be debating whether “unemployment” should become “extra leisure time” or “searching for improvement.” The State Department has begun referring to North Korea as “Country Double Plus Bad,” while both Russia and China are “To Be Announced.”

Professor Jack Derringdo, author of the best-seller Postmodern Presidency, commented that President Dump’s changes of terminology “confirm the philosophical influences outlined in my very perceptive book. It is clear that the President accepts that things can be changed by changing their names.”