Republican establishment finds answer to Dump

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – With a sigh of relief almost loud enough to be heard around the world, the Republican Party establishment appears to have found the one candidate who it believes has what it takes to overcome the current front runner for the party’s presidential nomination, hair stylist T. Ronald Dump.

The new contender, a Republican insider told Rooters on condition of anonymity, “has everything Dump has, plus more.” The backers of the new candidate say that he “will out-dump Dump.” Dump, they say, “has given his supporters at best only 40 or 50 percent of what they are really looking for. Our boy will give them 100 percent – or maybe 120.”

For example, the new candidate calls Dump’s plan for a huge wall on the US-Mexican border “pacifist bullshit.” The wall, he says, “would just get in the way of our troops when I send them in there to sort the place out.”

He says he plans to move the border southward “to the Panama Canal, or maybe Bogotá.” This, he says, “will make more room for Americans when we move out all those foreigners who are there now.”

However, the current residents would be held as security (and temporary laborers) until the Mexican government has refunded, with interest, the “outlandish sums that Democrat President Franklin Pierce stupidly paid” for the Gadsden Purchase in what is now New Mexico and Arizona. After taking inflation into account, the new candidate calculates that repaying the initial “illegitimate purchase of what already belonged to us by Manifest Destiny,” with interest at 5% per annum, would come to around $433 billion today.

And then there’s Canada. They already have a couple of professional baseball teams, which indicates that they would really like to be part of us. (How could they resist?) And they owe us for – oh, this and that, like 54-40 or fight. Constitutional arrangements would not be a problem: “They can have as many senators as they like, because I don’t imagine the Senate will ever be silly enough to reject anything I propose.”

On other issues, such as inequality, the new candidate says, “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it. When I’m in charge, everyone will be equal. If they step out of line, that’s it, they’re done for, doesn’t matter who they are.”

Without modern technology, the new candidate, who has not yet been named, would have been impossible. He was cloned from combined DNA samples taken from the current candidates, plus a particularly robust bit of DNA found during excavations for a new skyscraper in Berlin.

This foreign admixture is not expected to produce any serious challenge regarding the candidate’s citizenship. As he says, “Once I’m elected, I can appoint as many Supreme Court judges as I need. I don’t imagine I would need many.”