President responds to latest mass killing

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “We’re Number One! NUMBER ONE!” the President tweeted this morning. “USA! USA! Better than anyone!”

Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders later told reporters that, while she couldn’t be certain, it appeared that President Dump was referring to the latest statistics on mass shootings of civilians, which revealed that in 2018 the United States was again leading the rest of the world.

It was true that the USA had led in this area even before President Dump took office, but he was proud of the fact the nation’s lead had increased significantly in his first year.

The President is said to believe that “guns go off sometimes,” and that the number of casualties is therefore a rough but reliable indication of the number and distribution of guns. Further, since gun ownership is a measure of a people’s freedom, mass killings are likewise a measure of a country’s degree of freedom. And certainly no one can dispute that, by this measure, the US is the freest country in the world.

Questioned by reporters, Slanders said that she thought the President was opposed, at least today, to proposals to prohibit psychopaths from purchasing military-grade weapons. She said that President Trump had been heard to declare, “Barry’s right on,” after watching a televised speech by Barry Bogus III, the president of the National Weapons Association, delivered to the NWA’s annual general klavern.

In that talk, Bogus vigorously defended “the constitutional right of the mentally deranged” to carry as much firepower as they needed to make them feel secure.

He pointed out that the constitution doesn’t ban mentally deranged people from holding office, so it made no sense ban them from owning rapid-fire weapons, which can’t cause nearly as much damage as an office holder can cause just by doing nothing.

Slanders said that President Dump found Bogus’ logic on this question unchallengeable.

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