Taliban welcome extension of US presence in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON and KUNDUZ (Rooters agency) – The Taliban has welcomed the decision of the US President to extend the stationing of US troops in Afghanistan until sometime in 2017, or possibly until the Greek calends.

“We were seriously worried that we were going to run out of foreign targets to shoot at,” said a Taliban spokesterrorist, who declined to give his name “because I don’t want to be hassled when I go back to university in Iowa.”

“If there are no Americans to shoot at,” the spokesterrorist continued, “our guys don’t have much chance to keep up their sharpshooting skills.

“It’s true we can shoot at Afghanis in the government or people in the village who work for them. But, you know, sometimes they’re our relatives. Even if we don’t know them personally, shooting other Afghanis makes us unpopular with some locals. If we shoot Americans, everyone’s happy: no problems.”

The Taliban are not the only people in Afghanistan pleased by the extension of the US presence. Several members of the parliament pointed out that the US is of crucial importance for Afghanistan’s economy. “They couldn’t leave while my house is still in such disrepair,” said one.

“The US needs to do more to build up our economy and infrastructure,” said another MP, who asked not to be named. “For example, if I have to leave the Green Zone, sometimes there’s not a Humvee available to take me. I am delighted that there will be more than 5000 American troops here until whenever, and I hope and demand that there be an equal number of Humvees.”

The President’s decision to extend the US troop presence has not been officially announced yet, but was leaked to selected journalists on the understanding that those who fail to enthuse about it when reporting can be indicted under the Espionage Act.

Defending the as yet unannounced decision with apparent legal impunity, Defense Secretary Ash Crash said that withdrawing all US troops while some were still alive would mean that “we were not taking advantage of the successes we’ve had so far. In fact, if we leave in 2016, we probably still won’t even know what those successes are.”

He added that a troop presence in Afghanistan “has training benefits for us too. How many other countries are there where we could practice bombing hospitals?”

At the end of the Taliban press conference, reporters asked the spokesterrorist a personal question about the apparent contradiction between his hostility to the United States and the fact that he was attending a US university.

He responded: “I don’t hate the United States. I’m not actually an Afghani, or a Muslim. The Taliban don’t mind as long as I don’t go around doing things like drinking booze in public. The thing is, they pay well, and this may be the only chance I will ever have to pay off my student debt.”