Candidates argue over whose wall is bigger

(Rooters agency) – An increasingly sharp debate among Republican presidential candidates has been touched off by the pledge of T. Ronald Dump to build an impassable wall along the US-Mexican border.

The proposal has helped Dump (slogan: “Make America a Dump”) to a sizable lead among likely Republican primary voters and to almost universal popularity and support among Mexicans.

However, one of Dump’s competitors soon tried to better his proposal by calling for a wall along the entire US-Canadian border. Governor Posh “Creepy” Crawler (slogan: “My wall is bigger than anyone else’s”) pointed out that the border with Mexico is a bit less than 2000 miles long, while “There is a much greater scope for illegal immigration across the much longer Canadian border.”

The border with Canada, Governor Crawler pointed out, is more than 5500 miles in length. “Just the border of Alaska and Canada is over 1500 miles long, three-quarters of the total length of our border with Mexico, and hardly anyone is watching it aside from a few mooses.”

Canada, he continued, “while usually reasonably friendly,” is sparsely populated, and it would be easy for thousands of unrepentant Communists and Muslims to slip across the Arctic Sea from Russia, filter down through Canada and into the United States, where they could join labor unions and commit other similar acts of terrorism.

The present administration’s criminal neglect of our national security needs to be countered by a President who has a sensible hair style and who understands that the biggest threat to our security comes from the north.”

Governor Crawler pointed out that, even allowing for the fact that a wall wouldn’t be necessary in the Great Lakes, “My wall would be more than twice the length of Mr. Dump’s wall.”

Crawler doesn’t know how to build anything,” Dump responded. “I’ve bankrupted more companies than he’s managed. How does he think he’s going to pay for his Canadian wall?” Dump has explained that he would force Mexico to pay for his border wall, by threatening to cut off the funds being sent home by the undocumented Mexican workers whom he is going to deport.

Dump was partly answered by ordinary Canadians, who began a hugely popular public subscription to raise money for the wall. Further funds, Crawler’s campaign explained, could come from defunding Planned Parenthood and from (tax-deductible) contributions by the well-known patriots the Croc brothers.

A third voice in the debate is that of another candidate, Governor Rick Risky (slogan: “Subordinates did it when I wasn’t looking”). Risky said that his “second act as President” would be to institute a tracking system of potential illegal entrants. (In announcing his candidacy, Risky had already said that his “first act” would be to “pardon myself from false and politically motivated charges” regarding unexpected traffic jams.)

Governor Risky proposed deputizing the CEO of parcel delivery service FedUp to devise a system for tracking all visa holders, who would be tattooed with a barcode, wrapped in a parcel and shipped back to their country of origin by Fed Up when their visas expired, if FedUp could remember what country that was.

This debate was temporarily sidetracked by the comments of the Chinese President to journalists accompanying him on his flight to his state visit in the United States. “You Americans want a wall? No worries, you can have ours if the price is right.”

China’s Great Wall, he said, “isn’t of much practical use to us these days, aside from attracting tourists.” Its length, including branches, is more than 13,000 miles, so it is more than enough to wall off both the southern and northern borders of the United States.

All the candidates immediately agreed that a Chinese Communist wall would be unsuitable. “We tear down Communist walls,” declared Dump. “We want to put up a good American wall.”

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