WEST MAYHEM, NE. (Rooters agency) — The National Weapons Association today announced its “Action Plan to Stop Schoolyard Slaughter”. American schoolchildren will not be safe, the NWA declared, “until every primary school principal is able to deter would-be evildoers with a full complement of tactical nuclear weapons.”
Launching the Action Plan, NWA president Barry Bogus III argued: “Why does your average homicidal lunatic shoot up an innocent American schoolyard instead of massacring a school full of foreign Muslim kids? Is it just because the American school is closer? I don’t think so.
“Homicidal lunatics aren’t so silly. They — most of them, anyway — understand that those foreign Muslim schools are guarded by heavily armed fanatics who wouldn’t hesitate to shoot any Christian homicidal lunatic who came within shooting distance.
“And while the NWA does not at all condone that sort of violation of the human rights of Christian homicidal lunatics, we do believe that there’s a lesson for Americans here. If we want our kids to survive in this dangerous world, we’d better protect them with as much firepower as necessary.”
In response to a reporter’s question, Mr. Bogus acknowledged that some people might consider tactical nuclear weapons as more than is strictly necessary to deter homicidal lunatics from killing schoolchildren. But, he continued, we have to deal with the fact that homicidal lunatics are not always rational.
“For example, you, as an ordinary concerned parent, might visit your kid’s school because you think the teacher has been a bit unfair to your kid and you want to talk about it, and you might take along, say, an AK-47, because you never know what the teacher might be packing. But that’s just for self-defense, and even if the teacher is being rude and unhelpful, you wouldn’t even release the safety, except maybe as a joke to relieve the tension. And even if the teacher was really awful and saying dreadful lying things about your kid, you wouldn’t do anything, because you’re a sensible, law-abiding weapon carrier and parent, and especially you wouldn’t do anything because you know that the guard outside is armed with, say, a Heckler and Koch MP5 submachine gun and you’d look like Swiss cheese before you got out of the classroom.
“But your average homicidal lunatic, he doesn’t think rationally about the odds against him. Maybe he thinks he can get past the guard’s submachine gun. But a tactical nuclear weapon — even the craziest homicidal lunatic is going to think twice about confronting that.”
As for the legality of tactical nuclear weapons in school grounds, or anywhere else, Mr. Bogus insisted that the Second Amendment to the Constitution, protecting “the right to bear arms,” didn’t discriminate against particular types of arms. “If the authors of the Constitution didn’t want us to have the right to carry tactical nuclear weapons, they would have written the Second Amendment to say, ‘the right to bear arms except for tactical nuclear weapons’. They didn’t write that, and we shouldn’t let foreign Islamic Communists convince us otherwise, even if they’re the President of the United States.”
Asked whether the Second Amendment included chemical and biological agents under the term “arms,” Mr. Bogus replied that the NWA “isn’t taking a position on things that don’t go ‘bang’ or ‘boom’. But, personally, I reckon if the terrorists were to get nukes, you’d need something else to scare them with. Especially to protect your schoolchildren.”