Introduction to Globalgrip

Our origin

All of us here at Globalgrip Corporation are grateful for and inspired by the genius of the company’s founder, Josiah Gripper.

It was in 1778 that Josiah, sailing as an able (or possibly semi-able—the records are not precise) seaman aboard the merchant ship Grubber, got his first views of some of the lands that were later to thrive thanks to his vision.

“Money trees!”, Josiah wrote in his diary on 12 May 1778, as the Grubber sailed along the coast of west Africa. “Be there Man who can imagine a Land in which such Arboreals might grow more prolifically?”

Much later, in old age, Josiah wrote: “I have all ways held that it be obvious, that our Wealth, which cometh from Nature, must come most from where Nature be most fecund”.

The Grubber was at the time involved in the transportation of involuntary immigrants from Africa to the Americas, an activity which, we can conclude from a careful study of Josiah’s diary and written meditations, was completely contrary to his outlook. “If they be not Christians”, he wrote in one passage, “then what Harm in selling them, like Trees or Stones or the like?” While it was somewhat lacking in religious tolerance by modern standards, the passage indicates that Josiah held no racial prejudices, and would have opposed the involuntary transportation of Africans who were Christians.

This may be why, when the Grubber returned to England in 1780, Josiah left its employment and, after securing some funds for investment from his family and other acquaintances, signed up to sail on the HMS Petulant, which was assigned to check up on what the French, Dutch and other possible competitors were doing in Asia.

En route to Asia, the Petulant docked at several ports in west Africa. At each stop, Josiah sought out local entrepreneurially inclined individuals to establish and manage local money tree plantations with the funds he provided. In those days, before internationally enforceable contracts, Josiah typically took along one or two of the local manager’s children as security. This of course should not be misunderstood as comparable with the earlier activities of the Grubber, as some unfair critics of Globalgrip have tried to imply—especially since the Petulant, as a military vessel, was not involved with commerce.

Unfortunately, a small fire in the Admiralty in the mid-19th century (according to some reports, caused by a clerk smoking hashish and passing out while the drug was still burning) destroyed much of the record of the Petulant’s voyage.

Nevertheless, it is clear that Josiah Gripper’s vision of a tropical world filled with money trees must have begun to become reality at this time. Before the end of the 18th century, money tree plantations were thriving in nearly every country of Asia and Africa fortunate enough to have relations with England: British West Africa, British East Africa, Ceylon, India, Burma, and the Etceteras.

Globalgrip does not claim that all of these plantations were established by Josiah Gripper. Some of them may have been set up in imitation of the plantations he was creating. Those imitations do not, of course, in any way weaken our claims for global patents on money trees.

Early progress

In most of the African and Asian countries where Josiah Gripper exercised his entrepreneurial skills, money trees typically were not considered important, compared to crops providing food or raw materials for such things as medicine, tools, clothing, etc. As a result, money trees (if they even existed in the country, which often they did not until imported by Globalgrip or one of the entrepreneurships now included in it) were not well developed and could perhaps produce only one currency, and then only in small denominations.

The introduction of money tree plantations brought about great changes, first of all for the locals. Here, for example, is the story of Meng, a 34-year-old Indian woman interviewed for a sociological study in 1823: “Before, when I small, we grow much rice but have no much money. Now money trees, many money trees, but we have no much rice.” (The temporary difficulty Meng referred to has by now been overcome by the Green Revolution.1)

More importantly, modern science and technology could now be applied to money tree cultivation. Whereas money tree fruit had previously been quite limited in size and variety, careful breeding soon led to significant improvements. From a scientific standpoint, perhaps the most important early development was the cultivation of an Indian money tree that produced Burmese kyat.

After that breakthrough, it was only to be expected that others would follow. Soon, there were few places in Asia or Africa where Gripper money trees didn’t grow, or where they couldn’t produce pounds or dollars or whatever was wanted, and in appropriately large denominations.

To manage the money tree plantations he was establishing, Josiah created the firm Gripper and Sons Ltd in 1793 (although, as was later ruled in an appeal to the House of Lords, Josiah Gripper had no offspring until after his marriage in 1804).

International expansion

While the firm prospered initially, it was of course subject to the same external influences as other businesses. Disturbances in India and China sometimes cut into the profits of Gripper and Sons, and later events like the world wars, while they may not always have stopped money tree cultivation, often prevented transport of the fruit.

In 1951, the descendants of Josiah Gripper decided to merge Gripper and Sons with Beestly Brothers, a US money tree company that had pioneered money tree plantations in the western hemisphere, to form the Globalgrip Corporation.

The merger not only eliminated unnecessary and damaging competition between them, but also spurred the science of money tree cultivation at an opportune time. As inflation spiraled upwards in many economies, particularly in the tropics, the produce of money trees often could not keep up with the currency, and many plantations became unprofitable. The greatly enlarged R&D section of the new corporation soon produced the technological breakthroughs that allowed the growth of denominations bearing almost unlimited numbers of zeroes, restoring the industry to health.

In the modern age, the economic importance of paper currency has declined as more and more monetary transactions are conducted electronically. While we are certain that paper currency will continue to be used for many decades to come—perhaps forever—Globalgrip recognizes its obligations to its shareholders and to its employees in the developing world to continue to be at the forefront of pioneering monetary technology.

Globalgrip is both green—cultivating hundreds of thousands of hectares of money trees sustainably—and high tech. Early investment in ICT ensured that Globalgrip has not been left behind by globalization, but has continued to move forward in the spirit displayed by Josiah Gripper more than two centuries ago, establishing patents on numerous forms of internet commerce, which will be enforced to the maximum extent allowed by law.2

Today Globalgrip has money tree plantations in 83 countries and is looking to develop them in previously inhospitable climes such as Scandinavia, Alaska and possibly even Antarctica, utilizing both modern genetic technology and the fringe benefits of global warming.3 Following are answers to some frequently asked questions about money trees and the Globalgrip Corporation.

Frequently asked questions

 Has money tree cultivation changed the species?

Indeed it has, and for the better. We have already mentioned the early breakthroughs that led to larger denominations of money tree fruit. In the 20th century, careful cross-fertilization between different varieties of money trees produced an increasingly similarity of money tree varieties all over the globe. At Globalgrip, it is a standing jest that money trees pioneered globalization, but perhaps it is only partly a jest.

Is there a relationship between money tree plantations and banking?

Both industries deal with the same commodity, money. At Globalgrip, our job is to produce the money. The job of bankers is to lend it. If we didn’t produce money, bankers wouldn’t have anything to lend. If bankers didn’t lend money, we wouldn’t know what to do with the produce of our plantations. It’s a symbiotic relationship.

Are money trees harmful to the environment?

This accusation has been raised from time to time by environmentalists and unrepentant communists. What the accusers refuse to recognize is that money trees were not invented by Globalgrip: all we have done is to encourage their growth in as many places as possible.

It is an undisputed scientific fact that all trees, including money trees, remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere as part of the process known as photosynthesis. To calm unfounded fears about environmental harm, Globalgrip sacrificed potential profits for the greater public good4 by assigning some of its scientists to examine this question instead of doing their normal work. Their report confirms that money trees do in fact consume carbon dioxide. Of course, as the productivity of money trees has improved, there is less carbon dioxide removed from the atmosphere for any given sum of fruit currency, but it is always the case that, the more money trees there are, the more carbon dioxide they consume.

We have now assigned some of the same scientists to look into the possibility of treating our money trees with natural fertilizers. When we receive their report, this information will be updated. In the meantime, we are using the best technology available to minimize chemical fertilizer run-off. This makes business as well as environmental sense, because those fertilizers cost money.

Does the spread of huge money tree plantations carry environmental dangers?

At Globalgrip, we think some people are getting themselves unnecessarily worried about what they call “mono-culture.” We prefer to regard our large plantations of nearly identical money trees as what Darwin called the “survival of the fittest.” Those trees are there because they are the best at producing what money trees are supposed to produce, which is money. Less efficient trees have been dying out, but that is how nature operates.

Are there social dangers from large money tree plantations?

Again, this is an unscientific complaint sometimes raised by professional malcontents, radical greenies, Islamic fanatics, hungry peasants, and the like. We don’t deny that there may be some hunger around the fringes of some of our money tree plantations. But if Globalgrip weren’t there, who else would give them occasional charity donations?

Nearly everyone gets hungry again only a few hours after eating (especially if it was Chinese food). This is just a fact of life, not something created by Globalgrip. By employing gardeners, harvesters, and so on on our plantations, Globalgrip gives villagers the possibility of buying food.

Does Globalgrip interfere in the politics of the countries where it has plantations?

No. Naturally, as a responsible corporation, we try to encourage conditions that are favorable to increasing prosperity where we have investments. Globalgrip is a good corporate citizen, not an outsider interfering in local concerns. As a good citizen, we always give our political support to the candidate who seems most likely to increase the country’s welfare by increasing GDP.

Does Globalgrip plan to expand into other types of production?

Our business philosophy is that the intended final product of any company is money. We are already producing great quantities of that directly, so it would probably not be in the best interests of our shareholders to invest in more roundabout methods of reaching the goal.

Notes

1. Copyrighted and patented.

2. Including execution in some countries.

3. This, of course, does not mean that Globalgrip is less opposed to climate change than anyone else. It only means that we are doing our best to respond to it in a far-sighted way for the benefit of our shareholders.

4. Which we probably would have done even without the resulting tax benefit.

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