Successful candidate declares it’s not really him

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – In a new surprise in a political season full of surprises, the Know Nothing Party’s candidate for President revealed today that he is not the real candidate.

In an interview on Pox News, T. Ronald Dump, who easily won a majority of the delegates to the party’s upcoming convention, disclosed that he was merely lending his name to the eventual candidate.

Dump explained that this was his standard practice, his “successful business model.” Normally, he said of the various resorts and businesses that bear his name, “I have nothing to do with them. I don’t run them, I don’t own them. The owners just give me money to put my name on it.”

Once he has taken possession of the Presidency, Dump said, there was “no good reason not to do the same as in my other businesses. Remember, I’m very smart because I’m very rich.”

Asked why resort owners paid to use his name, Dump said, “I’ve never really figured that out. Maybe they like having their places called ‛Dump’ so they can’t be accused of false advertising. Come to think of it, the same reason could be why I won all the party primaries.”

Dump said he had not yet decided who would be the real candidate and real President “after I win the election.” But, he said, “whoever pays the most” would be decisive. “I’ve had a lot of people express interest, people with money: Shaggy Angeltoes, the Croc Brothers, Michael Bombast, the Malwart family.”

Corporations could also be involved in the bidding, since “the Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are people.” But Dump refused to name any that had expressed interest, “because it’s commercial in confidence.”

Similar plans for a future Dump administration, he indicated, include renaming the White House as Dump House.

And, in a sign of a heated presidential campaign, Dump threatened to sue anyone who used a name gaining popularity among his opponents: “Dopey Dump.” “It’s not fair and not true,” he said. “I don’t do drugs.”