President calls for Middle East peace, ‛like it used to be’

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The President today called on “the warring parties” in Gaza to agree to an “immediate ceasefire.” But hostilities nevertheless continued as Israel shelled another Palestinian hospital, and Hamas refused to jail Palestinian children who threw stones at tanks or incoming shells.

Israeli intelligence officials, speaking anonymously, said they had convincing evidence that Palestinian terrorists were launching rockets from within hospital operating rooms. Similarly, Hamas did not deny that it was refusing to jail child stone-throwers.

Israeli authorities said that the Palestinian death toll was expected to pass “two or three MH17s – even six or ten if we’re lucky” before major TV networks turned their attention to Gaza. In the interval, the Israeli Destruction Force (IDF) would do everything to stop further Palestinian terrorist intrusions. “We have found tunnels through which Palestinians intended to return to places where they were born,” said an IDF spokesperson. “Even more shocking evidence of their evil is that we have discovered very open, visible, above-ground roads on which they would be able to invade if we don’t destroy those pathways first – and we will.”

The spokesperson added that Israel had time and again demonstrated its sincere desire for peace: “We surrounded the whole place with barbed wire to protect them from troublemakers and gun runners. We pushed them off their farms so they could gather together in cities and feel secure together. We cut off the electricity so they couldn’t see to go out at night and get in trouble. We stopped food supplies so that they wouldn’t have the energy to fight. We bombed their schools if we thought an agitator had entered to stir things up.

“Again and again, we have bent over backwards to keep Gaza peaceful, to help the Palestinians, but what thanks do we get? The kids throw stones at us! What can you with ingrates like that that doesn’t involve advanced weaponry?”

In Jerusalem, the Israeli Ministry of Truth issued a commentary on UNICEF’s statement that around a third of the Palestinian fatalities in the current fighting are children. “This refutes the anti-Semitic slander that Israel targets children,” the commentary declared. “As everyone knows, the world’s population consists of men, women, and children – one third, one third, one third. One third children: it shows Israeli bombs don’t discriminate.”

Rooters also phoned Hamas for a comment on the situation, but the noise of exploding shells and missiles and collapsing buildings made it impossible to hear the response.

In his press conference, the President urged both sides to “stop shooting, stay in your present positions, and maintain the peaceful situation that we had for 60 years before this outbreak.”

Sources in the State Department said that the President was becoming increasingly frustrated by the Palestinian-Israeli intransigence and other problems in the wider Middle East, and was thinking of abandoning the region entirely as soon as all of its recoverable oil was removed.

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