Australia announces final solution to refugee problem

CANBERRA (Rooters agency) – “We’ve made it clear in the past that refugees and other riffraff who try to reach Australia by boat – if they weren’t riffraff”, they’d arrive by air business class – will never be allowed into Australia,” Prime Minister Mangle Turnbuckle said today.

“However, there’s really only one way to guarantee that these unwanted won’t eventually find a way to sneak into Australia. It’s not really enough that we send them back where they came from to be tortured some more. Some of them might escape from their dungeons and make another attempt to get here.”

To prevent Australia from being overrun by “dungeon dwellers,” Turnbuckle announced, the government had decided it was necessary to go beyond turn-backs and the confining of refugees in concentration camps forever (“because they might escape”).

Those measures, while necessary, were clearly insufficient, the PM said. What was going on here was a “battle of will” between the Australian government and people with dark skins who objected to being tortured and/or killed.

Therefore, the government had decided on the only “permanent, final solution” to the problem, Turnbuckle announced. From this time forward – and retrospectively if the Navy could manage it – unauthorized vessels carrying human beings and approaching Australia would be blown out of the water “by all means necessary.”

“If you want to protect human life, you have to counteract the people smugglers,” Turnbuckle explained. “Once we have killed all the refugees or driven them back into their dungeons, the people smugglers’ business model will be destroyed. They will have to look for other business, such as flying parliamentarians around by helicopter.”