General unclear on President’s nuclear order

FARTBLASTER MISSILE BASE, NORTH DAKOTA (Rooters agency) – Air Force General Buck Turgidpop has asked for clarification of President Ronald Dump’s tweet ordering an immediate nuclear strike.

The President’s tweet, which aroused considerable interest around the world, said, “China not helping NK nuclear/missile prob. Launch our missile to wipe out capital. 20 megatons should teach a lesson.”

General Turgidpop, in response to a telephoned query from Rooters, said the President’s order was slightly ambiguous. “Does he want me to nuke Pyongyang? Or Beijing? Or both?”

He pointed out that, if he misinterpreted the President’s wishes, he could expect to hear “You’re fired” from the White House, and he had spent too many years serving the country in the military to enter a new career path now.

General Turgidpop explained that he had therefore filed a request for clarification with the Pentagon, which replied that it had not received an official order from the President, but would inform him promptly if and when it did. Until then, it added, General Turgidpop should “exercise due caution and diligence while obeying all lawful instructions and regulations.”

The General said that, while he certainly would never disparage, or even question, instructions from the Pentagon, he was still rather uncertain about how many missiles to launch at what target or targets.

While he was sorting things out, Turgidpop said, he hoped that China, North Korea, and any other countries that might be concerned would be “sporting” about his dilemma and not take precipitate action in response to whatever he eventually decided to do, “which might turn out to be not what they expect.”

Multiplying the ambiguity described by Turgidpop, a political analyst in Washington, who didn’t pause to give his name as he fought traffic to get out of the city, said it was possible that Dump did not mean either Beijing or Pyongyang, but might have meant Washington – “if he happened to be at one of his resorts at the time.”