NEW YORK (Rooters Agency) – Multinational conglomerate PharmFarm Everything today announced that it had achieved “major breakthroughs” in research on the development of genetically modified people (GMP).
“GMP are the answer to just about everything, including problems that don’t even exist yet”, PharmFarm CEO Dr. Grover Jackalhide told a news conference here.
Most immediately, Dr. Jackalhide explained, the development of GMP should end completely any and all objections to genetically modified plants and food products. “Some people have held irrational fears that GM foods contain greater amounts of pesticides than do the old-fashioned ones. Well, of course that’s true, but those greater quantities of weed-killer and bug poison don’t matter any more.
“The research that we are announcing today means that we can put into human beings the same pesticide-resistance genes that we have been putting into the foods they eat. You – or at least your grandchildren – will think that glyphosate or 2,4-D is the tastiest thing you’ve ever eaten, and it won’t do you any, or not much, harm.”
Dr. Jackalhide said that more testing would be necessary before PharmFarm Everything could be certain that genetically modifying the human race would have no unforeseen consequences, “but we expect our next corporate AGM to approve rolling out the full product by the end of the year – weeks, or even months, before our competitors have done their first live experiments. That means I will get a much bigger bonus than their CEOs do.”
Pesticide resistance is only the beginning, said Dr. Jackalhide. “PharmFarm researchers are already investigating genetic modifications that can help human beings survive climate change. For example, there is concern that rising sea levels will force the evacuation of people in low-lying coastal areas. But our scientists are confident that properly selected fish chromosomes inserted into the human genome will allow GMP to grow gills and breathe under water.
“In fact, we have had to resist pressure to discontinue this research from the CIA, which says that our success may interfere with some of its interrogation techniques.”
It seems the sky’s the limit – quite literally, according to Dr. Jackalhide, who says that one company task force is working to isolate the genes of birds that cause the growth of wings. Another division is looking into putting two or three tree genes into GMP, meaning that they would consume carbon dioxide instead of exhaling it. He continues:
“We see no reason why future generations should retain any of our ancestors’ original genes, except of course those for greed, domination and sucking up to superiors.”