Division of tasks in new administration: who will grope?

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Ever since T. Ronald Dump won the US presidential election by receiving fewer votes than Hermione N. Clement, the media have been abuzz with speculation about who will be appointed to which positions in the Dump administration.

Because it appears that Dump’s chief qualification for elective office, to the minority who voted for him, was the fact that he had never held one, it is generally expected that he will not risk alienating his supporters by trying to run significant parts of the government – aside from suppressing all information about income tax returns that have been audited, giving businesses a 120% refund on any taxes paid, and launching the occasional nuclear strike at any country that doesn’t honor his plan to make it easier to sue newspapers that write things he doesn’t want them to write.

Part of the business of government will be outsourced to those of his children who aren’t too busy running his business affairs. These appointments have the added advantage of not being subject to congressional scrutiny, since the Constitution guarantees the President and everyone else the right to have children.

Some other tasks, like forcefully deporting suspected undocumented migrants, will be left to voluntary civic organizations like the Ku Klux Klan.

The major dilemma concerns Dump’s role as Groper in Chief. The dilemma is this: When Dump was just a businessman, he could count on the President and Congress of the day to ensure things were managed in a way to guarantee the profits of everyone who had received a certain amount of inheritance or loan from a parent. This meant that business executives had plenty of free time to spend groping.

But if Dump, as President, now has to spend a large part of his waking hours ensuring that things are managed in a way to guarantee the profits of everyone who has received a certain amount of inheritance or loan from a parent, will that leave him sufficient time for groping female lobbyists, members of Congress, and occasional passers-by?

Nobody is proposing that President Dump should give up the formal title of Groper in Chief. But it has been suggested that the new administration could create subordinate positions that would leave President Dump time to do at least some of those things that Presidents are traditionally supposed to do.

For example, there might be a Deputy Groper in Chief, a First Assistant Deputy Groper in Chief, a Second Assistant Deputy Groper in Chief, and so on. A large number of members of the Dump Party (“Dumpsters”) have already nominated themselves for these positions. Unfortunately, the possibility that President Dump’s planned changes to libel laws will be made retroactive means that we can’t take the chance of telling you who they are.

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