Administration raises doubts on policies

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – Announcements from President Dump’s administration have cast doubts over many policies that were considered core goals of the President.

The apparent unraveling of many of Ronald Dump’s pledges during the election campaign began when a reporter asked White House Press Secretary Evan Spicier to clarify any connection between the President’s claim he had been wiretapped and an earlier remark by Presidential Counselor Kelly Anna Conda, who reportedly said that the President’s estimate of 10 million people attending his inauguration was an “alternative fact.”

Spicier gently interrupted the question to state that “you lazy lying scumbags got it wrong again.” Conda had not said “alternative facts,” he explained. She had referred to “alternating facts.”

“Alternating facts means just that,” Spicier said. “Sometimes they are facts and sometimes not. We’ll tell you which it is, if you ask politely and we’ve made up our mind about it.”

Asked for guidance as to which facts are alternating, Spicier replied, “Usually it’s easy to tell. If the President tweets something or says something and there are quotation marks around it, that means it’s an alternating fact. It’s true when the President says it, but later it might not be a fact – depending on, well, you know, things. Stuff like that.”

The reporter persisted, despite being banned from future briefings, by asking, “You can see quote marks on a tweet, but how are we to know if there are quote marks around something the President says?”

“We’ll tell you later if we have to,” Spicier answered. “For now, there were quotation marks around everything the President said in the entire election campaign. That should be obvious: when you guys quoted something he said, you put quote marks around it yourselves.”

“So everything the President said during the campaign was an alternating fact?”

“Yes, dummy. So stop writing fake news that the President is breaking his promises.”

Spicier was also asked if the President “planned to present evidence of his being wiretapped – I mean surveiled – to the House and Senate Insouciance Committees, as they requested.”

“The President would love to do that,” Spicier replied. “However, the charge that so-called President Barack Africa surveiled President Dump during the campaign is being audited. When the audit of the evidence is completed, President Dump will release it to the public.”

(Footnote by Rooters: Our reporter forgot to ask Spicier at the press briefing, so it is not known if the White House has alerted the US Air Force to ignore any nuclear weapon launch orders enclosed in quotation marks.)