Alliance attacks Russian aggressiveness

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – The headquarters of NETO has accused the Russian government of “aggressive military posturing.”

The Nearly Everywhere Treaty Organization was responding to what it called “the provocative stationing of Russian missiles in parts of Russia.”

NETO was referring specifically to Kaliningrad, a part of Russia that “is provocatively near to NETO military bases and naval ships. Moreover,” the statement continued, “that part of Russia, and western Russia more generally, is getting closer to our bases and ships almost by the day.”

NETO’s deputy commander in Europe, General Sir Agonistes Broadsword – knighted by the Queen of Airstrip One for both militarism and service to redundancy – has called the Russian threat “an obvious existential threat to our whole being.”

In a background briefing for journalists, NETO headquarters pointed out that Russia’s thrust into its westernmost territory has given the Kremlin a beachhead in the rear of NETO’s Baltic member states – Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.

The officer conducting the briefing explained that this meant that NETO maneuvers in the Baltic states, perhaps rehearsing a response to Russian aggression that would involve a lightning armored thrust towards St Petersburg, would have to take account of a possible Russian attack from the rear. “It’s the sort of cowardly, unchivalrous behavior the Russkies are capable of,” he said, “and a major reason we are going to insist that Russia withdraw its military forces from Russian territory that is close to our forces.”