White House declares support for women

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The White House today unequivocally declared President Ronald Dump’s support for women victims of domestic violence.

Press secretary Sarah Wannabe Slanders said that “the President’s complete sympathy and support go out to those women who have suffered abuse or violence from their partners. If there are any.”

Violence within the home was anathema to the President, Slanders continued. “He believes that violent behavior should always be directed outside the home, towards those who menace our police and don’t respect our flag or demonstrate against the President and things like that.”

Another target for violence that the President considers preferable to wives, Slanders added, is “unfriendly countries, the really hostile ones that won’t do what they’re told.” The President had noticed that many of these countries had acquired, or were attempting to acquire, weapons with which they could harm our armed forces if they came within range of those countries while helping to straighten them out. So it might be necessary to act before those countries became even more dangerous.

A further clarification came from chief of staff General (ret.) Long John Emptybarrel, whom reporters were surprised to find still wandering the White House corridors. Asked by reporters why he often seemed to be defending spousal abusers right up until the moment of their resignation, Emptybarrel said that both he and President Dump sometimes found it difficult to discover what White House staff were really doing – for example, if National Surveillance Administration transcripts of emails or drone audiovisual recordings hadn’t been processed quickly enough.

In such circumstances, the President had to consider the possibility that what appeared to be vicious violence against a wife might really only be the White House staffer in question practicing to help the President carry out his foreign policy.