French secularism on the march

PARIS (Rooters agency) – In what is being called “a massive breakthrough for secularism,” from tomorrow, France has banned the wearing of clothes in public. The new law was introduced earlier in the week by Prime Minister Manly Balls and quickly approved by a large majority of the National Assembly and the Senate.

President François Hollandaise announced the legislation after conferring with conservative presidential candidate Old Nick Sarcophagus in order to ensure bipartisan support.

All three of the politicians said they had been “inspired” by seeing film footage of French police forcing a Muslim woman to undress on a public beach. “I was applauding the scene,” President Hollandaise said, “when it suddenly occurred to me: the good French people around her were also wearing clothes. They were somewhat more revealing than a burkini, but the point is that wearing at least some clothes is prescribed by religions.”

“You never see nude people in church,” Balls pointed out. “All the world’s religions expect their followers to wear clothes in public. This is an unacceptable affront to French secularism.”

There will be some partial, non-religious, exceptions to the clothing ban. Police will be able to wear as many belts as are needed to hold their guns, batons, and pepper sprays, and military personnel will be allowed body armor in dangerous situations, provided it is removed as soon as the threat recedes.

While objections from some religious leaders were only to be expected, the new law was enthusiastically welcomed by the Devout Secularists and the French Society of Nudists. However, the latter may face a hurdle.

French nudists generally say that they practice nudism for its health benefits. But a lawyer believed to be acting for one or more churches today filed a suit claiming that nudism is “based on emotional attitudes akin to religious belief.” If the State Council agrees that nudism is really a form of religion, this would probably dictate an amendment to the anti-clothing law to require nudists to wear clothes in public.