Party leaders take their distance from candidate, in millimeters

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – The Ronald Dump campaign for President and the Reactionary National Committee today announced the formation of a new organization of Reactionary politicians supporting the election of Mr Dump even though they disagree with many, or all, of his publicly announced positions.

The new body, Reactionaries for Dump Despite Everything, is open to Senators and Congresspeople from the Reactionary Party. It has not yet been decided whether Reactionary members of state legislatures will also be eligible to join.

The members of the organization, calling themselves Dumpsters, are pledged to support Dump’s candidacy, “no matter what”. Said leading Dumpster, Senator and former Presidential candidate Jimmy McGuns, “Yes, Dump’s remarks are mostly stupid, but lots of people say stupid things. Probably not as often as Dump, but who’s counting? There’s nothing in the Constitution that bans stupidity from the Presidency.”

McGuns added, “I hope the voters understand that the fact that the Reactionary Party has nominated Dump, and that Reactionaries like me urge a vote for him, doesn’t really mean that we think Dump should be President. Ronnie Raygun or Dweeb Ironhammer would have been my choice, but unfortunately neither of them was a candidate this year.”

Another Dumpster, Senate Majority Leader Mulch McCoalface, said he often disagreed “with that guy, the candidate, Whatshisname, you know – the one you should vote for. But the Reactionary Party is a broad Judeo-Christian church, with room for everyone from Senator Texas Crude to Jefferson Davis. That includes people who dislike minorities like Mexicans, Blacks, women, Muslims, and non-bigots.”

“I do wish he would learn to keep his mouth shut,” McCoalface admitted, “but since he won’t, maybe we can train him to obfuscate a bit better.”

The Speaker of the House of Representatives, Dumpster A. Pall Rainman, said he “took exception” to Dump’s view that American soldiers killed in battle had let their country down by not sticking around for the victory parades.

Furthermore, many in the party felt that Dump was not really a committed Reactionary, but more of a – well, you know, something else. Nevertheless, it was clear to Rainman that a President Dump was more likely than a President Hermione N. Clement to approve Reactionary Party legislation, such as bills to repeal Isis, climate change, the Thirteenth Amendment, and the 1960s. Therefore he urged a vote “to make America a Dump.”

Meanwhile, Dump himself said that he had been “savagely attacked” by people who voted for someone else in the Reactionary Party primaries, and allowing such people to vote in November would be rigging the election against him.