Drones inflict crushing blow on enemy

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – “The age of entitlement is over.” “The end of the welfare state as we have known it.” “No free lunch – or anything else.”

This was the overwhelming response of politicians and media across the United States after a drone attack two days ago wiped out a nest of workshops at the North Pole. The strike was the biggest victory yet in the War on Handouts.

In keeping with its usual policy of not commenting on intelligence or military matters, the White House declined to make any official statement. However, sources in the administration confirmed that the discovery of the workshops, believed to include the central headquarters of the Handout conspiracy, was only partly dependent on electronic intelligence.

The main evidence came from an ordinary mail watch. Agents in the US Postal Service noticed an unusual spike in the number of letters sent to an address at the North Pole, many of them written in a childish scrawl. Suspicions were confirmed by a check of internet metadata, which showed a similar spike in the number of emails sent to an IP address in the same region.

According to some accounts, the surprise attack succeeded in eliminating the Handoutists’ bushy-bearded central leader. As well, reconnaissance aircraft reported straggling groups of singed and disheveled Handoutist troops or “elfen” fleeing southward and called in further drone strikes after securing permission from Canadian authorities.

Politicians in both parties hailed the successful drone strike as a turning point in the 45-year-long struggle against Handoutism. Republican Governor Rick Risky said, “I congratulate the President on this devastating blow against the main source of some Americans’ belief that they can get something for nothing.”

Senator Harvey Pooka, the Minority Leader in the new Senate, declared, “It is only fitting that this victory comes in a Democratic administration, because Democrats have always supported targeted assistance for the less fortunate, in contrast to the Handoutists’ false promises of something for everyone.”

However, a note of caution was sounded by Senator Much McCoalface, the new Majority Leader: “If the Handoutist conspiracy has been weakened as much as we believe and hope, it may be necessary to provide tax or other incentives to ensure that the American private sector can replace the enemy in delivering lumps of coal to deserving children.”

Congratulating the administration, Democrat Senator Daphne Soapstone said, “The whole operation shows that it is possible for our forces to wage a successful struggle against the enemy without resorting to either abusive treatment of prisoners or illegitimate invasions of Americans’ computer privacy. It also appears that there was very little collateral damage, other than a few polar bears and some reindeer.”

But a spokesperson for Human Rights Which? in New York cast doubt on part of Senator Soapstone’s statement, saying that HRW had received reports that information about the location of the Handoutist headquarters had been provided by captured elfen rendered to Somalia several months ago.

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