Republican candidates call for Constitutional changes

DREARY, NEW HAMPSHIRE (Rooters agency) – Republican presidential candidate T. Ronald Dump yesterday called for Constitutional changes, including doing away with the 13th Amendment.

Perhaps stung by the words of candidate Jeb Noname, who claimed that Dump was “not a real conservative” because of his hair style, Dump said, “I stand well to the right of just about anyone born since 1800. And I have more money than most of them too. So why wouldn’t I be conservative?”

He cited, as evidence of his conservatism, his opposition to the 13th Amendment. Acknowledging that it could take a considerable time to pass and ratify a repeal amendment, Dump said that, as President, he would appoint to the Supreme Court “judges who respect the Constitution and who therefore will declare the 13th Amendment to be an unconstitutional infringement of property rights.”

If an insufficient number of sitting judges died “during the first three or four Dump administrations,” he said, “I can make it worthwhile for the survivors to see reason. I’ve got billions of dollars, you know.”

Dump, campaigning under the slogan “Make America a Dump,” has consistently outpolled other Republicans, except for William McKinley and Calvin Coolidge. However, some presidential hopefuls criticized aspects of Dump’s proposal.

Former Governor Mike Wannabe said, “It’s not good enough to get the Supreme Court to change just one provision. We need to follow the instructions of the Supreme Nobodaddy, which He regularly delivers to me.

He wants us to get rid of all the amendments, except possibly the Second and the 18th. After all, amending the Constitution implies that the Supreme Nobodaddy left something out, or that the Founding Fathers weren’t listening properly, when He dictated the Constitution to them in 1776. If the Supreme Court doesn’t like that, well, they can go back to Russia or Gomorrah or wherever they come from.”

Another contender, Dr Bent Colonoscope, said that if he becomes President, he will get Congress to sack Supreme Court Justices who won’t do the right thing. “If Congress won’t sack them, I’ll sack Congress.”

In a probably related development, the American Federation of Entertainers, on behalf of its Clowns Division, has threatened to sue for defamation cartoonists who continue drawing the Republican presidential candidates as clowns. “Real clowns make you feel good,” the Federation declared.