USA in turmoil as President-elect misses inauguration

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) January 24 – The nation continues to be caught up in a political and constitutional whirlpool after President-elect Ronald Dump failed to show up for his inauguration four days ago.

Initially, it was assumed that the Presidential Transition Team, under its seventh Director since Dump’s election, had neglected to inform the President-elect of the date and venue.

But the current Transition Team Director, former Governor and unsuccessful Celebrity Approximation semi-finalist Shirley Flailing, in interviews with both Pox News and Batshit News – the only media allowed direct access to the incoming administration – insisted that Dump had been thoroughly briefed, and she was able to show emails and copies of printed memos to the President-elect giving a detailed schedule, with locations, for January 20.

This evidence of course did not completely stop the conspiracy theorists who suggested that Vice President Mickey Tuppence – the second and sixth Director of the Presidential Transition Team – had arranged for President-elect Dump to be given instructions to appear for his inauguration in Mexico City or some equally friendly location.

But most serious commentators feared or hoped that the President-elect had been assassinated or kidnapped. Likely culprits were: (1) Islamic terrorists, who wanted either to eliminate an enemy or to win support from a large part of the US population; (2) anti-Islamic terrorists, who expected the deed to be blamed on Muslims; (3) the Republican Party, seeking revenge for having been replaced by the Dumpsters; (4) security forces from his home planet, taking him back for reprogramming not to interfere in other solar systems.

All these theories were overturned when Dump himself tweeted, “Contrary to @lyingawfulnytimes, I did attend my inauguration in Washington.” Authorities immediately began scanning photos of the crowds that had assembled to watch the inauguration, hoping to catch a glimpse of the President-elect. However, only an hour after the previous tweet came a second: “Did not attend @presidentialinauguration because I had more important business. Will be sworn in later.”

Linguists who have intensively studied Dumpspeak concluded that the mutually contradictory tweets created a 98.69% certainty that both had indeed come from Dump. But what was the unspecified “more important business”?

Within 12.5 seconds of the question being asked, a large majority of the experts dealing with the situation shouted out, “The business of Dump is money!”

The National Surveillance Agency then conducted a rapid search through the 478 billion email messages and internet postings it had accidentally collected in the previous week and found several clues.

One was a widely distributed message encouraging recipients to enroll in the President of Great America University and Casino in order to “Earn an Avdanced [sic] Degree and Become Rich!”

The advertisement offered “introductory courses” leading to “doctorate degrees” in 37 variously priced fields, including real estate, “dealing,” and “self-promotion.” Students who enrolled in PGAUC and paid their full tuition before the end of February were offered “huge discounts” on accommodation in the university’s “luxurious and prestigious dormitories,” which were pictured.

Students were also offered a discount on casino chips and the chance to place bets on the Roulette Wheel of Great Fortune, where they might win the degree of their choice without the need to pay further fees.

However, FBI agents dispatched to the PGAUC to attempt to persuade the President-elect to come to Washington reported that cyber-terrorists must have hacked and altered the PGAUC message, because the address turned out to be an alligator hole in the Florida Everglades.

Another possible clue was an unsigned and unsent message that the NSA accidentally collected from a coffee shop computer. Addressed “Dear Billy,” the incomplete message included the remark, “You know what you can do when you’re a star. Imagine if you’re President!”

An anonymous source indicated that the search for the President-elect has been expanded to include beauty pageants.