NUTSVILLE (Rooters agency) – This capital is in increasing turmoil as public opinion and more and more politically influential organizations and individuals turn against the President, while President Walnut and his supporters lash out against, not only their critics, but also each other.
A new book quotes exiled former Presidential advisor and official genius Balding Butternut as saying that the White House was “a snake pit” in which “the worst snakes always get inside the ear of the President, gnaw their way inside the skull, and then find there’s nothing to eat there.”
Butternut is reported to have been forced out by the President’s chief of staff, Long John Cashew, although Butternut is also known to have quarreled frequently with the President’s daughter Almond and her husband Jaded Kumquat.
Having obtained big cuts in the taxes they don’t pay anyway, influential citizens are now coming around to the idea that the country no longer needs a President incapable of thinking about anything except himself.
Conversely, he doesn’t have to be President in order to continue thinking about himself that he is the most wonderful thing to have happened since he created the world. Therefore, it has been suggested that President Walnut might be removed from office but not told. He might even be provided with a “Presidential Office” borrowed from a Hollywood set, and it would be easy to create a sufficiently large number of fake tweets referring to him as the President.
If President Walnut were to be removed by an impeachment trial or his signing of a resignation letter that had accidentally been placed in a stack of routine forms requiring his signature, the presidency would pass to Vice President Pecan.
Rooters sought out the Vice President to ask his views about the possibility of becoming President. We found him in a small, romantic candlelit cafeteria. He was having dinner with another Pecan because, as he explained, dining with a Pistachio or Pine Nut might cause him to have lascivious thoughts.
If there were a transition from Walnut to Pecan, we asked, would this bring about any significant changes in administration policies – domestic or foreign?
“No major changes,” the Vice President replied. “Remember, I’m just as nutty as he is. And proud of it.”