My fellow Americans, tonight I want to speak to you about what we and our allies will do to destroy the terrorist group known as al Qaeda – uhh, no, that should be the Mahdi Army … no, it’s the Baath Party and Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction … Damn it! Will someone bring the teleprompter up to date!
Thank you. That’s right now: We and our allies will destroy the terrorist group known as ISOS, which stands for Insanely Saving Our Sectarianism.
As your Commander in Chief, I would like to tell you what I have commanded to make you feel more secure, if large numbers of explosions in many parts of the world make you feel secure.
We took out Osama bin Laden. And we took out a number of al Qaeda leaders or militants or sympathizers or their children in Yemen and Somalia and Pakistan and Afghanistan. That’s a good phrase, I think: “took out.” It makes killing people sound more like a sporting event. The same with “game plan” for the list of people we’re planning to kill. Here I would like to pause to thank the presidential speech writers for their tireless devotion to finding euphemisms that make our wars safer.
But despite all our successes in leveling the landscape for many miles around the earlier terrorists, these new ISOS terrorists have popped up in almost exactly the same places. How they did that is a mystery, but we can certainly conclude that it’s a sign we should have used more and/or bigger bombs. This time we will.
ISOS is sometimes described as “Islamic,” but that is not accurate. It kills innocent people, and no religion does that – not Islam, not Christianity, not Judaism or Hinduism or Buddhism or Shintoism or Voodoo. It’s mainly due to the influence of religions that hardly any innocent people are killed anywhere, and America, as a religious nation, never kills innocent people. Collateral damage is a separate question. And anyway, if they’re really innocent, why did we kill them?
Now, I know a few of you are wondering whether ISOS is really a threat to the homeland. You say things like, “Iraq is a long way away, and ISIS doesn’t have intercontinental missiles or anything.” Don’t deny it: that’s what you’ve been saying; the NSA has shown me your emails.
But don’t forget that there are many Americans already in Iraq, potentially within the reach of the terrorists. In fact, I sent several thousand more of them just last week. These brave men and women deserve the full protection of our air power, especially since they have been running around in sandals on Iraq’s hot desert sands.
We have already conducted more than 150 successful air strikes against ISOS. We know that these strikes were successful because, when the bombs hit the ground or anything else, they exploded. That is what bombs are supposed to do, and we can all be proud of our American munitions industry, which consistently provides our brave men and women soldiers with bombs that explode.
These bombs need to explode not only in Iraq, but also in Syria, because members of ISOS are present in Syria. Plus a while back we blew a great opportunity to bomb the place because Congress got cold feet.
But this is not our fight alone. American power can make a decisive difference, but we cannot do everything for our local generals and dictators. There are some things that they must do for themselves, like keeping everyone in their countries in line, or in prison; if they can’t do that, they aren’t much good to us. That’s why I’ve insisted that additional US action depends upon Iraqis forming an independent government that includes all of our friends and anyone else we think might accept our backhanders.
So tonight, with a new Iraqi government in place, and following consultations with our allies, I can announce that America will lead a broad coalition to roll back the ISOS terrorist threat. The members of this broad coalition include … well, they include … Congress! And this administration. And all the television networks, if they know what’s good for them. And our democratic allies, such as Egypt and Qatar and Saudi Arabia.
Our objective is clear. It is, well, you know … we’re going to drop a lot of bombs to see if that takes out all the ISOS. And if it doesn’t … well, we’ll drop more bombs. We’ve got lots of them – you wouldn’t believe how many bombs we’ve got. I wish I could tell you, but that’s classified information.
America, our endless blessings bestow an enduring burden. There are bad people out there who want to take back some of the endless blessings we have relieved them of. It’s an enduring burden to stop them and keep what we have. Whenever and wherever such a threat to our blessings arises, I will act. This is a core principle of my presidency: Do as I say, not as I do.