LOS ANGELES, January 30, 2019 (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump will be challenged for the nomination of the Republican Party in next year’s presidential election. Ending months of speculation, animated film star Donald Drake today officially announced his candidacy and also cast doubt on the legitimacy of the President’s 2016 nomination.
Political analysts say that Drake’s candidacy must be taken seriously. Drake has a huge following among Americans of all ages, who have been viewing his on-screen adventures since before World War II. He has been especially popular with children, but polls show that young followers retain their affection for him long after reaching voting age, and a majority would seriously consider voting for him.
Drake is favored by many prominent film stars, particularly stars of animated films. He has already been endorsed by Ricky and Renee Rodent, and many further endorsements are likely.
But Drake insists that he wants to serve all Americans, not just the film industry. In his opening campaign speech, he said: “Babba kwock amok dumpf …” and considerably more, which Rooters has not been able to transcribe. Drake’s campaign office provided a transcript: “President Dump has made America a laughing stock. Take his silly Mexican wall: I can fly over it in a single bound. It needs to be extended at least to the stratosphere.
“Or take education. Despite all the President’s talk of success, some 7% of American children still attend a public school – more than the number enrolled in private schools. Those numbers can and will be reduced by a Drake administration.
“Or the environment. Despite the best efforts of President Dump’s supporters, it is unmistakable that an environment still exists in many parts of the country.
“President Dump has had his chance, and he’s blown it. It’s time to get serious. Dump has made a dump. When I am President, I will Make America Quack Again.”
Drake’s campaign organization is very much a family affair. The leading roles in it are filled by his three nephews, Hooey, Phooey, and Gooey. Donald Drake has said that, if he is elected President, his nephews will be appointed to White House posts but will also manage his movie career in their spare time.
The campaign will not lack funding. Donald’s uncle, Stingy Drake, is a multi-billionaire and the director of the Super PAC QuackAmerica (no relation to the American Medical Association).
Asked about Drake’s view of his chances of defeating the President, Drake’s campaign quoted him as saying, “I will win if the election is fair. Not like 2016, when 4 million Russian soldiers disguised as American civilians entered the country and voted multiple times for Dump in Republican primaries.”
Reporters asked if there was any evidence of this Russian intervention, to which the campaign replied, “You couldn’t tell they were soldiers because they were dressed in quotation marks. When Drake is President, we will have a proper investigation. In the meantime, please cite this information widely, because we have put it on the internet.”
President Dump, asked for his reaction to the Drake candidacy, said, “It’s a free country, and anyone is entitled to run, if we decide to hold an election.”