Thai general explains non-coup

BANGKOK (Rooters agency) – The commander of the Thai military, General Upyurs, today announced that it had unfortunately become necessary to revoke the constitution the military wrote after its previous coup, because of the intransigence of civilians, who couldn’t seem to get the idea of how they should behave. The military would therefore discharge the government and any other bodies that got in the way, and write a new constitution that would make much much clearer just who Thais were allowed to vote for.

Seemingly more in sorrow than in anger, General Upyurs explained: “We did give them a chance. We threw out Thaksin. And what did these silly civilians do? They elected his sister! Did they think we wouldn’t notice?”

In a broadcast on national television and radio, the general sought to bridge the political differences that have split Thai society: “All Thais, whatever the color of their shirts, should come together to solve the nation’s problems by doing what we tell them. If you don’t have a shirt – well, shame on you for being so poor; shut up and get back to work.

“We are all Thais. We are all Thai soldiers advancing the country. But some Thais are more soldierly than others.”

In reply to the question of a foreign journalist (who was immediately dragged away and deported, with bruises) as to whether the military was seeking power for itself, General Upyurs said, “On the contrary. We have been very restrained – it’s been eight years since our last coup. You know, we used to have them sometimes, not because we were dissatisfied, but just to keep in practice. It had been so long since the last one that some of my fellow generals were even suggesting I was a wimp.

“We gave the civilians every chance. There was an election; a government was elected. The opposition demanded that the government get out of the way and let it govern. But, unlike what happens in every other democratic country, the government refused. Clearly, it was up to the military to restore stability and a sense of propriety. And besides, otherwise I would have had to retire in September.”

In Washington, the White House issued a statement asking the Thai military not to US bullets to shoot civilians and to “prepare a prompt return to elected civilian government sooner or later, if it’s convenient.”

General Upyurs agreed with a return to civilian rule, but stressed that it would first be necessary to draft a new constitution “to replace that farce we wrote last time.”

He said that the new constitution would need to be democratic. “While it’s not up to me, I would like to think that the new constitution might allow Thais to vote for which military unit they would prefer to make the next coup.”

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