Researchers on track of reason for USA’s disappearance

BRUSSELS (Rooters agency) – Scientists and police and military technicians are still investigating, but they believe they are on track to finding the fundamental reason for the sudden disappearance of the entire United States population in the autumn of 2022.

Because of the wall around the United States built soon after President Gunshot’s inauguration, it was not until well into 2023 that the rest of the world realized that something was amiss. By the time the first daring Red Cross workers scaled and peered over the wall, much of the evidence of what had happened no longer existed.

It appears that some 330 million US residents ceased to exist over a period of only one to three days. Investigators are now inclined to the theory that the timing of this catastrophe was related to the coming into force of the Sure Arms For Everyone Universal Safety Act (SAFE USA) three months earlier.

Once the Supreme Court upheld the validity of SAFE USA (called “the Guns for Everyone Act” by its critics), the mandated possession of at least one firearm by every man, woman, and child at all times was implemented swiftly.

“Not long after that,” said a high-ranking investigator who requested anonymity because the investigation is not yet complete, “it appears that they all shot each other.”

It is not known with any certainty what might have touched off this mutual slaughter. According to the investigator, it was probably mostly accidental. “Maybe a parent forgot to set the safety on the baby’s pistol. But even if the first shots were fired deliberately, someone nearby who was not really the target thought they were under attack and so responded with a few blasts, and then others around them – you get the idea: it was soon falling dominoes all over the country.”

An important piece of evidence is a CCTV recording of the last meeting of the US Congress, which appears to have involved the last two surviving US residents. Congressman Blowback, chairman of the House Second Amendment Protection Committee, is addressing the Speaker of the House: “Hey, I think we’re the only ones left. That must mean you’re the President, and I’m the Congress. We can do whatever we want!”

The Speaker, off camera, appears to say something that might be “You don’t have a quorum,” to which Blowback responds, “Traitor!” He grabs his AK-47 and guns down the Speaker, before pausing a moment and then turning the gun on himself.