CANBERRA (Rooters agency) – Australia today renewed for the 10th or 20th time its participation in the US campaign against ISOS (Insanely Saving Our Sectarianism) and other terrorists by outlawing the possession of iPhones.
After Prime Minister Rupert Menzies II last week pointed out that possession of a knife, an iPhone and bad intentions was enough to make possible a terrorist incident, it was clear that iPhone restrictions were inevitable.
In subsequent days, probably numerous deaths were prevented by security guards ejecting “Muslim-looking” individuals who were observed texting messages at major sporting events. In response to this escalating threat, many coffee shops in urban centers had begun requiring patrons to dunk their iPhones into a bucket of water before they were allowed to enter.
“It doesn’t work very well now,” said Canberran cucumber-sexer Andronicus Tidepup, 38, referring to his water-logged iPhone. “But, as the Prime Minister said, we have to establish a new balance between security and that other thing – I forget what it was.”
Meanwhile, Billionaires United Party Senator Josie Brightstar said she “will not be intimidated by facts” and will continue her campaign to ban “foreign-looking clothes worn by sharias or anyone else who looks Muslimic.”
Despite misgivings expressed by her party leader, Cecil Billions, Brightstar has expanded her campaign, which began by saying that the burqa worn by some Muslim women would make it easier for a terrorist to conceal a weapon.
When a foreign journalist pointed out that the right to carry weapons, concealed or unconcealed, is considered the standard of democracy in the United States, and then asked whether Brighstar’s position implied that the BUP had doubts about Australia joining in the war against ISOS, the senator replied:
“I am not against all weapons, just sharia weapons which might be used to create terrorism. Because they are hidden and that’s not in the Bible – you know, when Goliath killed David, he didn’t hide his sword, did he?
“So the reason against burqas is that you can hide things under them. And someone said that other kinds of clothes can hide things too, and I accept that. So what we really need to do is ban clothes. If nobody wears clothes, there will be nowhere for the terrorists to hide their weapons. And then we’ll all be able to see who is a Islam sharia and who isn’t.”
In response, PM Menzies said that, if public nudity was the position of the BUP, he was willing to consider including it in the government’s legislation in exchange for the BUP’s support for budget measures that meant that most people wouldn’t be able to afford clothes anyway.